Emotional neglect

This is a controversial topic, but I wonder how many adults with autism are experiencing the consequences of parental emotional neglect? Emotional neglect can be subtle and insidious. It has been called an 'invisible force'. Of course, with autism, it can be hard to give and receive affection, so a parent will try and bond with their child. However, bonding is transactional, it works both ways, and if the child, because of their autism, has problems forming secure attachments, this can make the parenting job  a lot harder. Coupled with this is the fact that autism is usually genetic. If a parent struggles with empathy, they may unwittingly emotionally starve their developing child.

This is not about blame, it is about understanding. I have never received real love or acceptance from either parent. They love me and I have never been abused. To all appearances I had a good childhood, a stable home, and all my material needs were met. I spent a lot of time outdoors, and had good holidays. But my parents have never truly understood my condition. As a child I had no label for my difficulties, and so I was punished and blamed. Consequently, to this day, despite now having a diagnosis, I feel a low sense of self worth. I crave love and affection, but my parents just cannot empathise with my problems, particuluarly my father. His mum had chronic mental health problems and no doubt emotionally starved him as he was growing up. My mum lived in a stiff upper lip household where emotions were not talked about. Both parents are prone to stress and often argue. I am blamed for their problems.

Are autistic children/adults suffering from emotional neglect?

  • I am late diagnosed at 56yo. Now 59yo. This and a few other events over the past 3 years have forced me to look into my past. I certainly have all the symptoms of childhood emotional neglect but is it because I was undiagnosed AS or just a co-incidence. My mother is overbearing which is also a sign she also suffered childhood emotional neglect...... 
    Is the emotional neglect simply a result of them not being able to understand or to relate to my needs?

  • I am here because I am asking the same question. I am late diagnosed at 56yo. Now almost 60yo. It has caused me to look at my life and I certainly have an over bearing mother who emotionally neglected me. I have all the symptoms but is the emotional neglect caused by my autism? Is the question or am I an isolated case or? 

  • probably... i was looking into schizoid personality disorder and that did mention it is due to emotional neglect when raised, lack of emotional expression by parents, and also abuse from anyone when growing up. id recommend looking into that disorder as it does run very close to autism to the point id say theres a high chance of misdiagnosis between sdp and asd.

    my parents never really showed emotion, never did any of that hug stuff that is common for other kids, its probably a british working class thing where you dont show emotions. so you grow up desensitised to any emotion or physical touch. ofcourse my dad always liked to show the emotion of anger, that was apparently ok to show all the time lol

  • i was definitely emotionally neglected/emotionally abused,, narcissistic family dynamic, both parents, dysfunctional family crap, so, aside from the mental health problems it helped cause (one factor of many), and high functioning autism being likely in me, alongside undiagnosed dyspraxia and probable dyscalcula, even possible tourettes, likely got the brunt of theyre crap

    i cant imagine all autistic people are from those backgrounds though, its impossible, but those that are, or from worse, then, yeah, it helps mess people up .more

  • I hate my parents I truly resent them ! I have Aspergers and I've taken a test to see my IQ and I'm not a genius but I'm slightly above average smart . My parents doped me up on every antidepressanPillever and it made my brain foogy and I felt as if I was possessed! I told my folks about how the meds made me feel but they were like your still a kid keep taking them, and I have known my body and mind even when I was only 8 ! My Grandmother on my mom's side had ether bipolar or Aspergers as well and she told my Mom but my mom just said your crazy you don't know what your talking about,so all these  years my parents were like damn are kid is broken so I had brain scans and been probed and poked at and had shrinks all tell me I have add and adhd or bipolar or borderline skitzo wtf ! Then I decided to do my own research on every possible mental disability and I found Aspergers and I went to my shrink and said you have degrees on your walls but you diagnosed me wrong ! Then I took my pills and told her ,here is your pills back and I'm done with a ignorant person!  My parents refused to let me stop meds they said keep taking them we're adults we know what's best ! My parents also could not except that I got A, B and one C"s so they put me in a retarded class called basics skills ! I found out I was not getting a GED and I told my mom and she blew me off like my thoughts don't matter ! I wish there was a agency that can help kids that have aspergers or autism be adopted by real people that know how to love someone like us ! Many of us suffer and not given  the same choices as a non disability person all because are parents can't see us as a individual that has really good qualities to offer the word vs just seeing disability!  The bad part is since I can't find work my ass still lives with them and it's hell every day ! I know this is bad thinking but when I can move out I'm disowning them ! I'm also changing my name so they can't find me ! 

  • I hate my parents I truly resent them ! I have Aspergers and I've taken a test to see my IQ and I'm not a genius but I'm slightly above average smart . My parents doped me up on every antidepressanPillever and it made my brain foogy and I felt as if I was possessed! I told my folks about how the meds made me feel but they were like your still a kid keep taking them, and I have known my body and mind even when I was only 8 ! My Grandmother on my mom's side had ether bipolar or Aspergers as well and she told my Mom but my mom just said your crazy you don't know what your talking about,so all these  years my parents were like damn are kid is broken so I had brain scans and been probed and poked at and had shrinks all tell me I have add and adhd or bipolar or borderline skitzo wtf ! Then I decided to do my own research on every possible mental disability and I found Aspergers and I went to my shrink and said you have degrees on your walls but you diagnosed me wrong ! Then I took my pills and told her ,here is your pills back and I'm done with a ignorant person!  My parents refused to let me stop meds they said keep taking them we're adults we know what's best ! My parents also could not except that I got A, B and one C"s so they put me in a retarded class called basics skills ! I found out I was not getting a GED and I told my mom and she blew me off like my thoughts don't matter ! I wish there was a agency that can help kids that have aspergers or autism be adopted by real people that know how to love someone like us ! Many of us suffer and not given  the same choices as a non disability person all because are parents can't see us as a individual that has really good qualities to offer the word vs just seeing disability!  The bad part is since I can't find work my ass still lives with them and it's hell every day ! I know this is bad thinking but when I can move out I'm disowning them ! I'm also changing my name so they can't find me ! 

  • Ah! I'm having another one of those "it's not just me, then" moments. A lot of what you say could be describing my childhood:

    • The material needs met
    • The being told I was loved, but otherwise complete absence of emotional support
    • Absence of any real attachment to parents
    • Being blamed for being under stress or upset or being difficult
    • Mother with her own problems

    It's caused monumental issues for me over the years. I always felt I was not what was required in a daughter, that they thought everything about me was defective and it must be some awful terrible chore for them to have to love me. Long story, but I forgave the emotional 'neglect' when I discovered what was in my mother's past and had let it go.

    Now that ASC is on the agenda, I'm re-evaluating. I think in fact there is the "double empathy" problem at work here. And possibly also that my mother has some traits herself.

    She did love me, but couldn't understand me. She was a war baby from an era when tragedies were not spoken off. She could not verbally express support for others or her own needs and I cannot understand either unless it is verbally expressed. She needed a daughter to be close to and I was rejecting her hugs and her attempts to play with me. I could not read her and she thought me cold.

    We neglected, even damaged, eachother because we had no hope of ever understanding what the other needed.

    She has been great over the information for the developmental part of my assessment. She is a woman who never talks about feelings, but I sent her a copy of Attwood's book. I will tell her whatever the diagnosis is. Maybe she'll get some healing from that too.

  • I used to dream of being neglected!

    I was whipped with a horsecrop fairly regularly from 7 to 15 (when the thing finally broke across my back) in an effort to "cure" me. 

    Strangely enough, I didn't turn out super evil, but I do get flashbacks, and have had issues arise with my questioning authority figures ever since. But hardly anyone does that, these days, so I guess I serve a purpose... 

  • There's a good book on emotional neglect that I can recommend: "Running on Empty: Overcome your childhood emotional neglect" by Jonice Webb. It's not easy to read but I found it very helpful.

  • I do agree. My father and mother are both on the spectrum. My mother has co-morbid BPD/C-PTSD and she actively pursued my father as a "rescuer" from her own abusive home. They got along extremely well due to them both being on the spectrum and both wnti g nothing to do with the outside world. Both had parents (my grandparents) that carried and coddled them. )

    However my dad lacks empathy and is sexist, so when my sister and I reached Jr. High, my mother became misogynistic and reversed back to her trauma through dissociation and emotional abuse. She "split" my sister from me and my dad from both my sister and I. 

    My dad being naive and trusting, always believed my mom (us against the world) and I became estranged from both of them as a result.I became "all bad" in my mother's eyes and she presented me as such my entire life. The reality is that my.mom was unfit for parenting due to autism and co-morbid BPD. She was "cracked glass" when she met my dad so motherhood was what shattered her in the end. 

    My mom felt that she could live in a closed off "Utopia" of sorts where my dad "would provide" and all my mom had to do was stay at home and "raise the kids" and basically hide from the world. (I grew up on a cattle ranch miles from the next town.)that turned out to be false when she had to work to provide additional income to support 3 kids once my brother was born (again, my parents choice to reproduce) 

    I resent my mom for doing this very selfish thing....using her autistic husband to live a coddled autistic female life.....

    I'm on the spectrum too but more so PDD-NOS, than Asperger's (my mom) or further on the spectrum like my dad (pure autism) Because of this, I was right to socialize and went into speech and debate to better strengthen my social skills. 

    I absolutely do NOT like being social most of the time, for I find it to be a drain, but "pass for neurotypical" so I balance my obligations with solitude, and personal creative pursuits...

    I have great empathy for people, but feel as if I was emotionally neglected growing up and therefore I resent other manipulative spectrum folks who enter work environments wanting it to completely cater to their desire to hide from the social aspects of their job (which also include the basic expectations of actually speaking to their coworkers, ahem.....) So when I see what I call an "autistic weasel"....I don't bother to connect with them because I see a very selfish person, lacking empathy, who wants to just hide from responsibility and hopefully find a "cradle space" for their difficulty functioning and get paid in the process.

    I find "autistic weasels" to be extremely difficult to work with because their whole focus is to try to get as much as they can from their job and provide none of the interaction or additional responsibilities that neurotypicals have to take on. Because I am accepted as "neurotypical"  and have a healthier perspective of what's "owed" to me as someone on the spectrum, I don't have anything to do with other autistics in the work-social space ...they drag me down and try to get me to be the "front of house" person so they can live a "back of house" lifestyle at work. 

    I've stopped engaging in cultures that autistics gravitate towards like D&D and videogaming, simply because I get dragged down by those who want an income to support their reclusive lifestyle but do not want to put out the effort that neurotypicals have to in order to gain a decent income. I want functional friends without mental health issues that can engage and possess empathy.

    Neurotypical carry stresses that autistics try their DAMNDEST to avoid. So I tend to side with the neurotypical in this argument....although I can understand why these people act the way they do (in theory)....

    I do absolutely believe that I approach other autistics this way due to my own experiences with having an "autistic weasel" for a mother 

    Because of this....I self segregate from the autism spectrum, pass as neurotypical and went to therapy for survivors of cluster B abuse so that I can move forward without the emotional difficulty of living an emotionally starved life.

    So that's my experience. I wish I could show more support for higher functioning autistics and aspergeans, but it's the high functioning ones who I find to be the most manipulative of work/school environments,and befriending these people inadvertently forces me into a "caregiver" role and I can't live my life that way..  

    Its very sad that the neurotypical mothers seem to be getting most of the attention for lamenting about this awkward connection....they too are extremely selfish in only wanting their voices heard and it's their disconnection to their children that has them acting this way....

    But it takes effort on both sides to form connection....those who can't find a solution to that will end up living an emotionally empty life.

    I wish it was different....

  • I do agree. My father and mother are both on the spectrum. My mother has co-morbid BPD/C-PTSD and she actively pursued my father as a "rescuer" from her own abusive home. However he lacks empathy and is sexist, so when my sister and I reached Jr. High, my mother became misogynistic and reversed back to her trauma through dissociation and emotional abuse. She "split" my sister from me and my dad from both my sister and I. 

    My dad being naive and trusting, always believed my mom (us against the world) and I became estranged from both of them as a result.

    My mom felt that she could live in a closed off "Utopia" of sorts where my dad "would provide" and all my mom had to do was stay at home and "raise the kids" and basically hide from the world. (I grew up on a cattle ranch miles from the next town.)that turned out to be false when she had to work to provide additional income to support 3 kids once my brother was born (again, my parents choice to reproduce) 

    I resent my mom for doing this very selfish thing....using her autistic husband to live a coddled autistic female life.....

    I'm on the spectrum too but more so PDD-NOS, than Asperger's (my mom) or further on the spectrum like my dad (pure autism) Because of this, I was right to socialize and went into speech and debate to better strengthen my social skills. 

    I absolutely do NOT like being social most of the time, for I find it to be a drain, but "pass for neurotypical" so I balance my obligations with solitude, and personal creative pursuits...

    I have great empathy for people, but feel as if I was emotionally neglected growing up and therefore I resent other manipulative spectrum folks who enter work environments wanting it to completely cater to their desire to hide from the social aspects of their job (which also include the basic expectations of actually speaking to their coworkers, ahem.....) So when I see what I call an "autistic weasel"....I don't bother to connect with them because I see a very selfish person, lacking empathy, who wants to just hide from responsibility and hopefully find a "cradle space" for their difficulty functioning and get paid in the process.

    I find "autistic weasels" to be extremely difficult to work with because their whole focus is to try to get as much as they can from their job and provide none of the interaction or additional responsibilities that neurotypicals have to take on. Because I am accepted as "neurotypical"  and have a healthier perspective of what's "owed" to me as someone on the spectrum, I don't have anything to do with other autistics in the work-social space ...

    I've stopped engaging in cultures that autistics gravitate towards like D&D and videogaming, simply because I get dragged down by those who want an income to support their reclusive lifestyle but do not want to put out the effort that neurotypicals have to in order to gain a decent income. I want functional friends without mental health issues that can engage and possess empathy.

    I do absolutely believe that I approach other autistics this way due to my own experiences with having an "autistic weasel" for a mother 

    Because of this....I self segregate from the autism spectrum, pass as neurotypical and went to therapy for survivors of cluster B abuse so that I can move forward without the emotional difficulty of living an emotionally starved life.

    So that's my experience. I wish I could show more support for higher functioning autistics and aspergeans, but it's the high functioning ones who I find to be the most manipulative of work/school environments,and befriending these people inadvertently forces me into a "caregiver"role and I can't live my life that way..  

    Its very sad that the neurotypical mothers seem to be getting most of the attention for lamenting about this awkward connection....they too are extremely selfish in only wanting their voices heard and it's their disconnection to their children that has them acting this way....

    But it takes effort on both sides to form connection....those who can't find a solution to that will end up living an emotionally empty life.

    I wish it was different....

  • In my case, although my physical needs were catered for, my emotional ones were certainly not.  Childhood featured an awful lot of bullying at home, whether intimidation, ridicule, humiliation or being snubbed.  Hard to say if that's the cause of my ASD, but it certainly didn't help and caused a number of other psychological problems to become deeply ingrained.

  • This is so true, I think the neglect (intentional or not) somehow triggers the ASD traits/symptoms

  • Hi I can relate to alot of what youve said and your experiences... I am nearing the conclusion of adult assessment and I really feel we need to start living life. Accept our past and that those around us did the best they could in the situation, that we all have needs to a degree, and not to worry about how others perceive us.

    The most important thing is our well being and those close to us. We have to put the past behind us, appreciate what we have now and build on those special gifts and skills for a happier living now and postive future and relationships xxx

  • I was reading my diagnosis report last night, and there was a paragraph in their that dicussed this on similar lines as I had mentioned that I was emotionally abused by my father in my childhood. I am going to follow this up in my post diganosis review in January. In my case I am convinced I have not mis-interpreted this, Although there was no awareness of my asd, I do blame my father for his actions and calculated manipulation of my low confidence, shyness, anxiety, and social problems that he was aware of.

    My mother was great, but our relationship changed when I was around ten. I dont know why, but I know she did love me. I guess there may have been some unintentional emotional neglect. She tried to help me make friends, but I always struggled. In my adult years, I really wanted her to visit me on her own, that happened maybe 2-3 times. She said, I lived too far, but was only about 20 minute drive, she regularly visited my Sister, and she lived further away.I feel my brother and sister had a closer relationship with her.

    Although my mother has passed away, I have similar problems with my brother and sister. My brother has only visited me once, and that was with my sister and confronted me over a dispute with the inheritance after our mums passing. 

    Maybe depression has played a part, I was down for a lot of time, and just was not in a happy state of mind, on top of my lack of social skills

  • Hi Hope,

    Yes, some autistic people, particularly those being brought up in autistic households will not get the sort of emotional comfort that other people might get. My father and his siblings grew up in that atmosphere and the damage and strife that came out of that damaged their lives.

    Being married to an undiagnosed autistic person can be extremely stressful - I read somewhere that the divorce rate for undiagnosed adults is very very high. Some parents stick together out of duty but the emotional atmosphere in such a family is going to be fraught.

    You are likely to feel blame (even when it isn't directed at you) and likely to misinterpret expressions and the end result is you feel emotionally assaulted and starved. Your parents are not likely to be able to cope with a child who does not behave in the way that they anticipated. Their expectations may have been badly formed due to growing up in a similarly disfunctional household.

    There is a no-one in any of this that deserves blame. It isn't your fault, it isn't your parents fault, it is a series of events and unavoided consequences that hasn't been deliberately set in motion by anyone.

    The only way forward is to decode the puzzle that we find ourselves in and work out how to make the future better. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to your parents. In time, you can be part of a solution.

  • Hi Hope. 'YES' to your question. This is one of 'those' subjects really.

    In the way that you speak of, I was emotionaly neglected as a person, stemming mostly, I think, from no-one understanding or talking to me. My parents are gone now, and I got my diagnosis when it was too late for them to know, which means that they both died with this great puzzle unresolved, and that makes me sad for all of us.

    I've read a lot on here that is posted by parents of AS children. I read about how, with their own child(ren) they struggle to interact with them, 'understand' their needs and behaviours, and, often, explain and defend their child's 'oddness' to other, sometimes close, family members, strangers, and even teachers!

    I've been using this to take a whole new view of my history, both to gain an understanding of me now and to re-evaluate my entire history from a better perspective.

    Although I grew up feeling much abused and ignored, I also have to remember that they couldn't have known, and certainly no-one could have told them, what a special little one they had. They were left to struggle with an 'alien' and could only bring me up according to what they, in turn, had learned of parenting from their own childhood and family experience. Indeed, this applied just as much to my immediate and extended family as it did to society as a whole.

    Now, because of this new knowledge, it is my, and mine alone, responsibility to understand and accept these things. I will, of course, never know if this knowledge would have helped us towards a new understanding and forgiveness, and it doesn't give me any greater ability to feel something that I never felt and don't understand - how to feel loved.

    I was punished and blamed all the time, but for what I have no idea, and it left me thinking that I was just 'born bad' and didn't deserve anything other than to be blamed for being born. Much of my own legacy is exactly as you so eloquently describe.

    OK, it's too late for me, but I want to put my experience for others to learn from. The thought that any AS child is going through the same experience horrifies me, hurts me, sometimes makes me cry with frustration and anger, and makes me determined to write thise things down so that everyone can understand and, hopefuly, change things for the better for themselves and their own. I suspect that the more thoughtful parents and AS people will - I hope so, anyway. Some of the glaring ignorance displayed in these posts by so-called 'concerned' parents leaves me wanting to bang their heads together, but other parents are absolutely wonderful and I respect their attitude enormously.

    I just pray that we are going to leave the planet a better place than the one we came into. The nice thing is that amongst us, we know each other and our shared experiences, so we can't change them but we can comfort each other because we understand them. So I send you my comfort, if it helps?

    Love and cuddles, just because you're worth it 

  • Yes Hope you are right.

    I think there is an assumption that all autistic people come from this supportive family, and sometimes, maybe even a lot of times this is not true.

    I am also suffering emotional neglect, made worse because my partner is also like my family. I am totally alone.

    I do not hold with the idea that NT people also suffer and so somehow that makes an autists suffering the same. I think if you are autistic then emotional neglect is impossible to deal with, and no therapists are interested in actual real life probelms which are external even if they have the necessary training and/or understanding to deal with autistic people (amd most do not).

    Anyway, I think you are right in your ideas Hope.