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Emotional neglect

Hope

This is a controversial topic, but I wonder how many adults with autism are experiencing the consequences of parental emotional neglect? Emotional neglect can be subtle and insidious. It has been called an 'invisible force'. Of course, with autism, it can be hard to give and receive affection, so a parent will try and bond with their child. However, bonding is transactional, it works both ways, and if the child, because of their autism, has problems forming secure attachments, this can make the parenting job  a lot harder. Coupled with this is the fact that autism is usually genetic. If a parent struggles with empathy, they may unwittingly emotionally starve their developing child.

This is not about blame, it is about understanding. I have never received real love or acceptance from either parent. They love me and I have never been abused. To all appearances I had a good childhood, a stable home, and all my material needs were met. I spent a lot of time outdoors, and had good holidays. But my parents have never truly understood my condition. As a child I had no label for my difficulties, and so I was punished and blamed. Consequently, to this day, despite now having a diagnosis, I feel a low sense of self worth. I crave love and affection, but my parents just cannot empathise with my problems, particuluarly my father. His mum had chronic mental health problems and no doubt emotionally starved him as he was growing up. My mum lived in a stiff upper lip household where emotions were not talked about. Both parents are prone to stress and often argue. I am blamed for their problems.

Are autistic children/adults suffering from emotional neglect?

Parents

  • Ah! I'm having another one of those "it's not just me, then" moments. A lot of what you say could be describing my childhood:

    • The material needs met
    • The being told I was loved, but otherwise complete absence of emotional support
    • Absence of any real attachment to parents
    • Being blamed for being under stress or upset or being difficult
    • Mother with her own problems

    It's caused monumental issues for me over the years. I always felt I was not what was required in a daughter, that they thought everything about me was defective and it must be some awful terrible chore for them to have to love me. Long story, but I forgave the emotional 'neglect' when I discovered what was in my mother's past and had let it go.

    Now that ASC is on the agenda, I'm re-evaluating. I think in fact there is the "double empathy" problem at work here. And possibly also that my mother has some traits herself.

    She did love me, but couldn't understand me. She was a war baby from an era when tragedies were not spoken off. She could not verbally express support for others or her own needs and I cannot understand either unless it is verbally expressed. She needed a daughter to be close to and I was rejecting her hugs and her attempts to play with me. I could not read her and she thought me cold.

    We neglected, even damaged, eachother because we had no hope of ever understanding what the other needed.

    She has been great over the information for the developmental part of my assessment. She is a woman who never talks about feelings, but I sent her a copy of Attwood's book. I will tell her whatever the diagnosis is. Maybe she'll get some healing from that too.

Reply

  • Ah! I'm having another one of those "it's not just me, then" moments. A lot of what you say could be describing my childhood:

    • The material needs met
    • The being told I was loved, but otherwise complete absence of emotional support
    • Absence of any real attachment to parents
    • Being blamed for being under stress or upset or being difficult
    • Mother with her own problems

    It's caused monumental issues for me over the years. I always felt I was not what was required in a daughter, that they thought everything about me was defective and it must be some awful terrible chore for them to have to love me. Long story, but I forgave the emotional 'neglect' when I discovered what was in my mother's past and had let it go.

    Now that ASC is on the agenda, I'm re-evaluating. I think in fact there is the "double empathy" problem at work here. And possibly also that my mother has some traits herself.

    She did love me, but couldn't understand me. She was a war baby from an era when tragedies were not spoken off. She could not verbally express support for others or her own needs and I cannot understand either unless it is verbally expressed. She needed a daughter to be close to and I was rejecting her hugs and her attempts to play with me. I could not read her and she thought me cold.

    We neglected, even damaged, eachother because we had no hope of ever understanding what the other needed.

    She has been great over the information for the developmental part of my assessment. She is a woman who never talks about feelings, but I sent her a copy of Attwood's book. I will tell her whatever the diagnosis is. Maybe she'll get some healing from that too.

Children
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