Published on 12, July, 2020
This is a controversial topic, but I wonder how many adults with autism are experiencing the consequences of parental emotional neglect? Emotional neglect can be subtle and insidious. It has been called an 'invisible force'. Of course, with autism, it can be hard to give and receive affection, so a parent will try and bond with their child. However, bonding is transactional, it works both ways, and if the child, because of their autism, has problems forming secure attachments, this can make the parenting job a lot harder. Coupled with this is the fact that autism is usually genetic. If a parent struggles with empathy, they may unwittingly emotionally starve their developing child.
This is not about blame, it is about understanding. I have never received real love or acceptance from either parent. They love me and I have never been abused. To all appearances I had a good childhood, a stable home, and all my material needs were met. I spent a lot of time outdoors, and had good holidays. But my parents have never truly understood my condition. As a child I had no label for my difficulties, and so I was punished and blamed. Consequently, to this day, despite now having a diagnosis, I feel a low sense of self worth. I crave love and affection, but my parents just cannot empathise with my problems, particuluarly my father. His mum had chronic mental health problems and no doubt emotionally starved him as he was growing up. My mum lived in a stiff upper lip household where emotions were not talked about. Both parents are prone to stress and often argue. I am blamed for their problems.
Are autistic children/adults suffering from emotional neglect?
I was reading my diagnosis report last night, and there was a paragraph in their that dicussed this on similar lines as I had mentioned that I was emotionally abused by my father in my childhood. I am going to follow this up in my post diganosis review in January. In my case I am convinced I have not mis-interpreted this, Although there was no awareness of my asd, I do blame my father for his actions and calculated manipulation of my low confidence, shyness, anxiety, and social problems that he was aware of.
My mother was great, but our relationship changed when I was around ten. I dont know why, but I know she did love me. I guess there may have been some unintentional emotional neglect. She tried to help me make friends, but I always struggled. In my adult years, I really wanted her to visit me on her own, that happened maybe 2-3 times. She said, I lived too far, but was only about 20 minute drive, she regularly visited my Sister, and she lived further away.I feel my brother and sister had a closer relationship with her.
Although my mother has passed away, I have similar problems with my brother and sister. My brother has only visited me once, and that was with my sister and confronted me over a dispute with the inheritance after our mums passing.
Maybe depression has played a part, I was down for a lot of time, and just was not in a happy state of mind, on top of my lack of social skills