Published on 12, July, 2020
This is a controversial topic, but I wonder how many adults with autism are experiencing the consequences of parental emotional neglect? Emotional neglect can be subtle and insidious. It has been called an 'invisible force'. Of course, with autism, it can be hard to give and receive affection, so a parent will try and bond with their child. However, bonding is transactional, it works both ways, and if the child, because of their autism, has problems forming secure attachments, this can make the parenting job a lot harder. Coupled with this is the fact that autism is usually genetic. If a parent struggles with empathy, they may unwittingly emotionally starve their developing child.
This is not about blame, it is about understanding. I have never received real love or acceptance from either parent. They love me and I have never been abused. To all appearances I had a good childhood, a stable home, and all my material needs were met. I spent a lot of time outdoors, and had good holidays. But my parents have never truly understood my condition. As a child I had no label for my difficulties, and so I was punished and blamed. Consequently, to this day, despite now having a diagnosis, I feel a low sense of self worth. I crave love and affection, but my parents just cannot empathise with my problems, particuluarly my father. His mum had chronic mental health problems and no doubt emotionally starved him as he was growing up. My mum lived in a stiff upper lip household where emotions were not talked about. Both parents are prone to stress and often argue. I am blamed for their problems.
Are autistic children/adults suffering from emotional neglect?
Hi Hope. 'YES' to your question. This is one of 'those' subjects really.
In the way that you speak of, I was emotionaly neglected as a person, stemming mostly, I think, from no-one understanding or talking to me. My parents are gone now, and I got my diagnosis when it was too late for them to know, which means that they both died with this great puzzle unresolved, and that makes me sad for all of us.
I've read a lot on here that is posted by parents of AS children. I read about how, with their own child(ren) they struggle to interact with them, 'understand' their needs and behaviours, and, often, explain and defend their child's 'oddness' to other, sometimes close, family members, strangers, and even teachers!
I've been using this to take a whole new view of my history, both to gain an understanding of me now and to re-evaluate my entire history from a better perspective.
Although I grew up feeling much abused and ignored, I also have to remember that they couldn't have known, and certainly no-one could have told them, what a special little one they had. They were left to struggle with an 'alien' and could only bring me up according to what they, in turn, had learned of parenting from their own childhood and family experience. Indeed, this applied just as much to my immediate and extended family as it did to society as a whole.
Now, because of this new knowledge, it is my, and mine alone, responsibility to understand and accept these things. I will, of course, never know if this knowledge would have helped us towards a new understanding and forgiveness, and it doesn't give me any greater ability to feel something that I never felt and don't understand - how to feel loved.
I was punished and blamed all the time, but for what I have no idea, and it left me thinking that I was just 'born bad' and didn't deserve anything other than to be blamed for being born. Much of my own legacy is exactly as you so eloquently describe.
OK, it's too late for me, but I want to put my experience for others to learn from. The thought that any AS child is going through the same experience horrifies me, hurts me, sometimes makes me cry with frustration and anger, and makes me determined to write thise things down so that everyone can understand and, hopefuly, change things for the better for themselves and their own. I suspect that the more thoughtful parents and AS people will - I hope so, anyway. Some of the glaring ignorance displayed in these posts by so-called 'concerned' parents leaves me wanting to bang their heads together, but other parents are absolutely wonderful and I respect their attitude enormously.
I just pray that we are going to leave the planet a better place than the one we came into. The nice thing is that amongst us, we know each other and our shared experiences, so we can't change them but we can comfort each other because we understand them. So I send you my comfort, if it helps?
Love and cuddles, just because you're worth it