Published on 12, July, 2020
This is a controversial topic, but I wonder how many adults with autism are experiencing the consequences of parental emotional neglect? Emotional neglect can be subtle and insidious. It has been called an 'invisible force'. Of course, with autism, it can be hard to give and receive affection, so a parent will try and bond with their child. However, bonding is transactional, it works both ways, and if the child, because of their autism, has problems forming secure attachments, this can make the parenting job a lot harder. Coupled with this is the fact that autism is usually genetic. If a parent struggles with empathy, they may unwittingly emotionally starve their developing child.
This is not about blame, it is about understanding. I have never received real love or acceptance from either parent. They love me and I have never been abused. To all appearances I had a good childhood, a stable home, and all my material needs were met. I spent a lot of time outdoors, and had good holidays. But my parents have never truly understood my condition. As a child I had no label for my difficulties, and so I was punished and blamed. Consequently, to this day, despite now having a diagnosis, I feel a low sense of self worth. I crave love and affection, but my parents just cannot empathise with my problems, particuluarly my father. His mum had chronic mental health problems and no doubt emotionally starved him as he was growing up. My mum lived in a stiff upper lip household where emotions were not talked about. Both parents are prone to stress and often argue. I am blamed for their problems.
Are autistic children/adults suffering from emotional neglect?
Hi Hope,
Yes, some autistic people, particularly those being brought up in autistic households will not get the sort of emotional comfort that other people might get. My father and his siblings grew up in that atmosphere and the damage and strife that came out of that damaged their lives.
Being married to an undiagnosed autistic person can be extremely stressful - I read somewhere that the divorce rate for undiagnosed adults is very very high. Some parents stick together out of duty but the emotional atmosphere in such a family is going to be fraught.
You are likely to feel blame (even when it isn't directed at you) and likely to misinterpret expressions and the end result is you feel emotionally assaulted and starved. Your parents are not likely to be able to cope with a child who does not behave in the way that they anticipated. Their expectations may have been badly formed due to growing up in a similarly disfunctional household.
There is a no-one in any of this that deserves blame. It isn't your fault, it isn't your parents fault, it is a series of events and unavoided consequences that hasn't been deliberately set in motion by anyone.
The only way forward is to decode the puzzle that we find ourselves in and work out how to make the future better. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to your parents. In time, you can be part of a solution.