Relationships

Heya,

I have a couple of relationships. I have a boy friend (who i met in college and have been with for 6 years in November) and two best friends.

My relationship with BF has had its ups and down. He is 2 years younger than me, but due to my delays we were in the same year at college.

When I went to college I was openly autistic and for a long period non verbal. However, I had been running a software company for 8 years and had good IT skills. 

On my third day at the college, I had already figured out how to get my Mac to work on the college wifi when I saw someone else was having trouble.

Looking back, I did something really really stupid. I very rudely lent over him and fixed the problem.

He was... Surprised but was a nice geeky type who already knew I was autie. We became good friends and I became part of the geeky / gamer  group. (Even though I don't play video games)

Another member of the game group liked me and a year into college asked me out for a date. We went to see wall•e the film and I explained to him about how it feels to be non verbal and stuff. He asked me out then. 

I didn't know if I was gay. I didn't have a problem with it so I figure it was worth a try. 

He is a gamer (he plays video games all the time!) but he is also an academic studying philosophy. He has an interest in language. 

We are exact opposites. He is all emotional and touchy feely and wooly and I am not. We work really well together. 

When I finished college I moved out of supported living into my own flat with some support. I was not coping so well, and my current BF moved in to help me out. 

We have lived together since. He is still studying and works part time. I work full time, but he handles most I

Of the day to day complexities (like food shopping! And sensory stuff). 

The balance moves around a bit and there were times when he took advantage but were now it quite a good place.

He is very caring and he actively likes my autism traits. He does not really care how age appropriate I am being or what I do for fun.

He has a good deal as we use my income to provide his living costs. He pays a very small contribution to living costs (he pays 1/6th of total living costs, but I entirely self funded the mortgage and entirely own he flat)

I have a sexual relationship with my BF. Its difficult but it's improving and we have spent all of time figuring it out.

My best friend I have known even Longer. (11 years?) We met online and he is not diagnosed but somewhere near the spectrum.

He is also an IT type but many years ago he got into law and it now an international expert in financial crime. He works for various banks etc to stop fraud etc. He is 5 years older than me but he is super caring and we get along super super well.

It's sometimes joked he's like my dad (its a running joke, even his parents basically consider me his kid!  My parents have him as thier emergency contact) 

like a parent, we have agreed goals he helps me to achieve. For example learning to do shoes laces, or building up my confidence traveling.

For example, we recently went on holiday for a week with some other friends and I was super spaced out. I stopped speaking and spent most of the week super relaxed but really struggling with functioning. 

We went to the beach and did things all week. He does not mind if I hold his hand, he's the one the tends to 'take' me places (swimming, biking, kayaking, hair dressing). 

I was always curious why he spends effort on me when often I am so much if a chore. He said that it's okay. When I am spaced out i am easy to look after and he likes knowing that something small for him (visiting every Tuesday and helping me sort my post) is huge for me. He says its rewarding and I am interesting / fun and playful. He said its like having a playful 5 year old always up for an adventure, but without the tantrums

All my other friends I met through him. They all get to know me and know am an autie and how he looks after me a bit. 

Another good friends of mine is a more recent friend. He builds motorbikes and works in IT and is super super thoughtful. He works in tech support and he has incredible social skills. He is great at explaining things. 

That's about it really, those two people are about 85% of my social interactions outside of work. 

Cheers,

Jamie + Lion

(PS: I have permission from everyone mentioned above to post this!)

I was friends with him.  I found him easy to talk to and I was there if he ever wanted a chat.  Because of my social understanding I thought this was what friends did, I never ever realise if people fancy me.  I get on well with my manager and he took a few of us out for a meal one night (I don't like eating out in front of others but I was in good company and I didn't have to pay :) ), and my now partner wasn't there that particular evening, and my manager mentioned he thought the guy fancied me.  I really didn't believe him, I had no idea what he was on about.  He was pretty sure he did, and even bet money on it.  I had never thought of him in that way before, never had to.  I don't really remember what happened after that (it was over a year ago).  I think about a month after we just got more friendly when chatting to each other by messages and then I think he mentioned he liked me, but I really couldn't say.  We then just started spending more and more time together.  I mentioned I was not long out of a long term relationship (actually, it was about a year since it happened) so I didn't want to rush into anything, and I thought that if he was serious then he would stick about.  And he did. I was really nervous that he could be like my ex, but luckily he's absolutely nothing like him.  And neither are his parents.

I've always been friends with the guy before going out with him.  It's probably because this person has taken interest in me and I've just been as friendly as I can, not realising they fancy me.  I got told about a month ago that there was this guy who used to work with me and apparently he quite liked me and wanted to ask me out, but didn't have the courage to.  People like to tell me these things because they think it's hilarious that I don't notice.  I suppose some people would find that hurtful, but I can only laugh with them.

Were you friends with your partner first before you developed an intimate relationship? Did he ask you out directly, or did you have to work out his intentions?

I know what you mean.  I'm 27 but I was happily playing in the ball pit with my friend's 2 year old son not long ago.  But I'm mature enough to look after him.

I meet people on the AS who say this sort of thing who are very hard on themselves, who think it's their fault they can't have a relationship etc, but 'normal' people have the same problems too :)  I wasn't diagnosed until my early 20s so when I was younger I did force myself to try and make friends, but most of the people I counted as friend weren't friends at all.  But I suppose a lot of people on the AS risk having these problems.  I once bought a Mars Bar everyday for this guy for about 3 months thinking that's what I had to do to be friends with him.  Looking back it seemed a daft thing to do.

I'm at that stage in my life now I'm happy without friends.  I have people I know through work/family, but no one I will go and see outside of work.  I sometimes can't even be around some family members because I don't know them well enough. I've had a couple of boyfriends over the years, all I've met through school or work.  It's easier bonding with someone when you've got something in common, so I work in mainly male orientated jobs (in IT) and I have interests in gaming and art, so guys I've worked with have had similar interests.

I had a long term relationship with someone I met in college.  We dated for nearly 7 years, but near the end of that 7 years that's when I was diagnosed with being on the AS.  I wasn't happy in that relationship, I stayed in it because I thought no one else would put up with me and my problems (as like other AS people I have bad anxiety issues), and his family were very critical of me, kept trying to 'fix' me, and after being diagnosed I realised there was nothing wrong with me, it's just who I am!  And if I can be happy with being me then others should be too!

I split up with him, which caused much disruption in my life.  I moved in with my brother who lived over 100 miles away and got a new job.  Which is where I met my current partner.  We didn't get together for another year because he was still going out with his long time partner, who he wasn't happy with either.  The most important thing about my relationship is he supports me and appreciates me for who I am.  he is an independent person, and so am I.  I still feel nervous occasionally.  I used to get criticised by my ex and his parents for not doing things the right way or making noises, or being clumbsy, but I get none of that with my current partner.  To him it's not the end of the world if I accidentally drop some food, if I need the volume on the TV turned down, if I need to go home early from the 1 or 2 social occasions I go to a year, and because I need time to concentrate on my own interests he is happy with this as it gives him time to himself without feeling guilty of ignoring me.

Personally I do feel lucky that I've found him.  Someone who appreciates you for who you are, flaws and all.  I wasn't even looking for a partner at the time, so these things can happen when you least expect it.  Especially for me, I can never tell if anyone fancies me, even though the whole world seems to notice.  It's a social aspect I can't get to grips with.

Azalea, i think there can be something childlike in some of our behaviour. It would be totally wrong for a child to have any sense of sexual attraction wouldn't it but people develop from childhood to adulthood and the sexual awareness usually develops at some point - sooner or later. perhaps we are often a bit slow in this department?

Maybe it is possible for me to have kids artifically, as in artifical insemination. I am not ready for kids yet, and need to find a partner first. I am definitely  not heterosexual, but possibly bisexual, and it is the whole social aspect of relationships that is so hard for me to navigate. For example, how do you develop a relationship in the first place?

But the thing is, I am asexual, and I would imagine that there are other people around, a minority no doubt, who also experience limited or no sexual attraction. My ideal of love contains all the ingredients you mention, but minus sex. Maybe it is abit like a vegan cake - a cake with no eggs, milk, or butter, but still a cake, just a different one

In my opinion, a good relationship has a recipe containing respect, trust, love, patience, understanding and some physical cuddles and sex. Everyone has different ideas but those are my essential ingredients. Children are, to me, the icing on the cake and they provide another set of rewards (and challenges) if you are fortunate enough to be able to have them.

if you try and have a relationship without one of these elements it will be like making a cake without an essential ingredient.

The physical side can be a mystery to begin with! If you look at what's involved it is a pretty bonkers (ugly?) mechanism! It takes practice, with all of the other ingredients, before you get any good at it. I suspect most peoples early experiences will be awkward, clumsy and unsatisfying. I found that the Channel 4 series "Masters of Sex" did a pretty good job of showing what it's really about (not sure if this is still available on catchup or anywhere, there is another series coming up sometime). It showed things in a different way to the shiny, idealised, purely physical, pornographic view that a lot of people are confronted with every day. It included a range of characters with different views and needs including some gay, hetero, randy, disinterested, inexperienced etc etc so i'm sure most people could identify with some of the plot lines.

I am similar. I prefer what could be called romantic friendships ( as in having one close, intimate soul-mate) over a physical relationship. I would limit myself to warm hugs and holding hands because the thought of sex fills me with dread. I don't really experience sexual attraction; I am more drawn to the Platonic ideal: I value the beauty coming from within, a strong intellect andlove of learning. While appearance plays a part in my attraction, it is secondary to the person's inner self - I often find myself becoming attached to very intelligent and caring people.

I identify as asexual, with a preference for women, however I am drawn to some men as well, but never sexually.

Hi All,

I think that Abi has shown what is possible - I'm glad that you found that finding each other online worked for you. Perhaps you could tell some more, for Hope's benefit really, about how you made it work and if there were any pitfalls along the way. I've seen this work for some people but I've also seen things that made me wonder whether it can work for everyone. The internet didn't really exist when I was working all of this out for myself so I don't have any personal experience to share on that.

Azalea's uncertainty about her sexuality is a normal part of development from childhood to adulthood. I had doubts about myself when I was young. It also wasn't helped by being bullied at school - I was taunted with "you're gay" when what people may have meant was "you're different". People will pick on anything strange and in hindsight I was probably different to most kids. It's odd, I never really thought of myself as different but that may have been an aspie's lack of perception on my part! My experience, and I understand this is common, was that I was uncertain and confused but as I have grown older I have settled down very happily to being a husband, a father and unreservedly hetero. I have a number of gay friends, rels and colleagues so I can see that people are happily different but I would suggest that you don't rush things, try and work out what and who you fancy but don't confuse an immature pupil-teacher crush (I had those too!) for the real thing.

Hello my name is Abi.

I understand what you mean about the practicalities of relationships are frightening. I was unable to even fathom trying a relationship until I was seventeen. Which didn't seem to be how I had hoped. I'm twenty years old now and have been in a relationship for nearly a year. I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was eighteen. Honestly I couldn't consider the physical attributes of a relationship because I feel overly sensitive with people being near me. I dream of having a child one day too but that currently frightens me more than having a relationship did. 

I met my partner online. It may not be a suitable way to however I felt it was the best for me to communicate with the opposite sex by writing which I find easier than general communication. I found similar interests with my partner and his personality seemed to flow with mine rather than finding the conversation stunted or at a dead end. I found myself able to open up about myself. 

I now live my partner after us knowing each other for at least a year I felt comfortable to meet him publically. I think my partner finds it simpler to understand me because he cared full time for his younger brother with a similar condition to mine. What made it less frightening was considering it not as a relationship but a friendship with the attributes of loyalty in a relationship. I know now that my partner and I will be together for a long time. He's seen me at my worst and best and still supports me. 

Friendships are all together more complicated than a relationship for me however because I still can't manage to maintain them except for a friend I have had throughout high school, because I believe above all in loyalty I'm the only friend who did in her life and she accepts me more as her best friend. Together we have been through so much but supported each other. Only consider a friend if they accept you for who you are is something I follow. 

Gosh Hope, where do I start!

Looking back over your posts I think that you have made enormous progress and that you can see that you are on a journey of discovery. Being aspie isn't all bad and it isn't anything to be ashamed of. I have found my recent diagnosis massively liberating and it is enabling me to deal with the inevitable stumbles along the road without getting as angry and confused as I used to.

Somehow, I managed to find a partner and have kids and my family is a source of pride, satisfaction, frustration, confusion and all the other things that are part and parcel of the human condition.

How did it happen? Largely a series of unplanned and accidental stumbling (often embarressing!) encounters in a variety of situations. I don't think that any precise details of how we found each other would be useful to you but suffice it to say that it wasn't planned and plotted in advance, it just kind of happened that we let things happen that we didn't regret.

I think you are doing all of the right things, your activities, voluntary work and meetings are exactly the places where you might find a like minded friend who is probably as shy and awkward as you are. The problem is that you are all being shy and awkward together and nobody is spotting when anyone is making a move. I was never aware of anyone fancying me but apparently people were sending out signals and I was just blithely blind to the whole game.

Dating sites are not the only answer, some people find that it works for them but I suspect that your groups and interests are a better bet. You have more opportunity to learn social etiquette and watch what other people do in real life than you will be able to do online.