Risk aversion

impulse control is hard for me but I’m trying to really face it now. and showing up for myself in a healthy way is an almost foreign concept for me. I’m trying with it.

the manifesting thing I’ve found sort of cringy to myself and I have had that advice and not been able to apply it to myself. That’s just a personal thing for me though. Thanks for the message :)

No Iain, its not that at all, I didn't prevent a disaster through my own actions or lack of them. My lack of reward feelings might be because I was never encouraged to do things and rarely praised for the things I did do, I was sort of raised in a bit of a vacumn that way. I was certainly punnished for things I did wrong or just couldn't do, but also things just tend to happen to me, like the seat straps in a fairground ride coming undone and nearly being flung out of the thing, or doing my most successful ski, backwards with no control whatsoever, then there was falling down a rabbit hole whilst thinking about Lewis Carrol.

TheCatWoman said:

I do have a feeling of getting away with something, like a disaster has been averted because nobody was looking. 

So you prevented a disaster through your own actions - sounds like a situation to give yourself a pat on the back and be proud.

I guess it may also be rooted in whether or not you have low self esteem too.

I don't get any reward feelings from doing something out of my comfort zone, I rarely if ever feel any sense of achievement either. I do have a feeling of getting away with something, like a disaster has been averted because nobody was looking. 

Take risks that have reward dont but at the same time take time to think it through impulses can oft mean that you rush things even if it is a good thing to do you may do it bad through impulse

manisfest things you want through self belief “I can do this thing I want to do I have the abulties and skills” snd once yoir believe you can do it the path opens up 

snd most importantly keep showing up this is my favourite phrase becuase it’s so true just keep showing up for your self 

aurelis said:

throwing myself in uncomfortable situations so that I can connect with people.

This is on my list of things to do to, it will feel alien and I will feel like someone else is speaking but I think the experience good or bad could prove useful as a reminder of where I struggle and perhaps how to better that. 

That is so true! I’m making steps to try and do that more 

do you feel any isolation doing that?

This is really true, I think I’ve never had that balance before. Recently I’ve been practicing what I want to practice, and make more the music I want to, and I feel much more relaxed for sure! 

i think because I was trying so hard and putting my all in projects and work that is not necessarily the thing I wanted to do, I lost sense of what I wanted to. Now, I’ve just been digging into more things that I’ve always wanted to spend time with, like the guitar!

aurelis said:

I find it awkward to have to state “let’s meet for two/three hours”

My go-to excuse there is "I can meet you at 12 but need to be back by 3 for a call". If they get nosey as to the subject I'll just say its about a legal case and I have an NDA - that normally gets them to drop it.

I’m happy with my own company. However I feel as if I need to force myself to be in the company of others. Recently that’s felt like a checklist rather than genuinely meeting people to feel refreshed (I.e. can I get through this social interaction with a friend successfully).

One thing that I know helps is having a limit on how long I meet someone. I find it awkward to have to state “let’s meet for two/three hours” but knowing that the interaction is going to be for a certain amount of time helps me to prepare for it mentally. An abstract length of time feels difficult, but on the other hand , to cut interactions short feels artificial and I can feel guilty for doing that. But when I don’t, I feel myself drift and if I’m feeling like that, I struggle to be present.

I've found that dilemma too damo, I think there's pressure from professionals who are supposed to be helping us to socialise. The psychologist who diagnosed me was quite shocked when I said I'd not been to the social group he suggested, I asked him what was in it for me? He was perplexed by this question, because I'd told him, it would mean a 40 mile round trip, wandering around a not very safe area of Bangor to get to the restaurant where the meetings were, then when I got there not being able to have anything to eat because that restaurant didn't cater for my dietry needs and I didn't want to sit there with a glass of over priced watery cola and from what he told me most of the people were young men and what would I have in common with them apart from autism?

I condider going out once a year to socialise to be busy, I can't remember the last time I went out to socialise, unless dog walking counts?

Just keep my distance from others.

Damojo said:

Not sure how to go about that,

The way I did it was to slowly teach myself to choose if I care about what other people think.

If you have a therapist they are best suited to teach this skill.

Mindfulness was a key tool to working out if someone is worth the effort of caring about.

I think sometimes you have to go against the grain to find out who you are. It’s important to be selfish sometimes, love thyself and make finding out who are an adventure, look around you and know that these people are making choices based on their emotions, their wants and needs and you deserve to give yourself the chance to do so also. 

I think there's a bit of a disconnect between what I want/need and what NTs expect. Double empathy problem all the way. I'd like to find some Autistic people to socialise with just to compare the experience. Not sure how to go about that, though.

Oh no, totally not off topic. And I totally get

aurelis said:

“I need to be creating something to stay relevant and share with others that I’m doing stuff to stay relevant”

When I was a professor I felt that same urge. 

Maybe what you need is a balance. A little bit of work on what others will want to hear to stay relevant and a little of what you want to hear. Prince comes to mind when I think of that. He wrote a gargantuan amount of music, but only a fraction of it is available to the public. I’m not saying you need to write a gargantuan amount yourself, not everybody has the productivity that Prince had, just that you might set aside a little time to write things for yourself as well.

This could also work into what Iain mentioned about creating a time table to manage your work. Try to add “write for myself” as part of the time you spend per week.

The time you set aside for yourself might also surprise you; You might end up wanting to share what you make for yourself with others anyways!

I do enjoy socialising, I think that trying to socialise in the way I think I should is the stressful part. The feeling of needing to do “social research” on what’s relevant so I can adapt in socialising or trying to listen in conversation and balance that with enough talking so I’m not passive in the conversation. To be honest there’s times where I’m happier alone, but I’m naturally involved with other people in everyday life so I can’t just drop off, it feels “selfish”.

Okay, I will try this. I’ve been trying to get over the feeling of “missed opportunity” and awful lot recently, and the feeling of “needing to be ready” before mixing with people so I’m “ready and stable”. I know it’s probably not a helpful way of thinking though.

I get that space, but I think I still feel that pressure to keep doing gigs and performances all the time or I will not be considered for work. And I’m it someone who can find it easy to naturally relax. And then there’s the thought of needing to consistently check in with my networks to keep updated with people.