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Risk aversion

aurelis

Life is about taking risks and seizing opportunities. I find myself feel as if I’m avoiding taking risks all the time, but still impulsive enough to put myself in situations that don’t suit me. It’s a weird contradiction.

There’s my thoughts and opinions, which I feel as if have lost their sharpness, and it feels more of a situation of code switching to the environment. I hide opinions I feel will be a burden to others and try to comfort everyone’s needs, and the perception that I haven’t suited everyone’s needs in the past keep me in a state of self-hate. 

Good thing is that I’m slowly starting to face these things. It’s so difficult, and it’s hard to convey to people what I want to say, rather than the polished version of events. I guess we keep on moving.

Parents

  • Sorry if this is a bit of a tangent off subject, but:

    So in regards to people pleasing in the field of creativity, one person that has been a huge inspiration for me lately is Henry Darger. He was a Chicago janitor who over decades created a wild fantasy series of art/stories that was kept secret until he had to eventually move out of his apartment. I’m not particularly a fan of his art, but his process was fascinating. He didn’t care if anyone ever saw his work, but his work was still deeply meaningful to himself. He didn’t intend on becoming as famous as he is today.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that you should take a risk and make what you want to make, not take a risk on making what you think other people want. Ultimately, people might like what you want in the end, anyways.

  • in reply to profdanger

    I’ll check him out. Thank you for this. Sometimes I do wish I had a job not related to the arts, so that I could then have the arts as a secret side thing that I could develop on the side. But I think thats something I think I want than what I actually would want.

    i think it’s because the creative side of making my own music is part of my job, I feel the necessity to share this when people ask me what I’m doing. And recently I’m struggling with the social flexibility to talk about anything else outside of that. and then the thought of needing to network all the time about creativity and what’s current in the creative world with others. 

    so I think most of the time my thought process is that “I need to be creating something to stay relevant and share with others that I’m doing stuff to stay relevant” rather than just creating. 

    sorry, I don’t know if this was off topic to what you were saying! 

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  • in reply to profdanger

    I’ll check him out. Thank you for this. Sometimes I do wish I had a job not related to the arts, so that I could then have the arts as a secret side thing that I could develop on the side. But I think thats something I think I want than what I actually would want.

    i think it’s because the creative side of making my own music is part of my job, I feel the necessity to share this when people ask me what I’m doing. And recently I’m struggling with the social flexibility to talk about anything else outside of that. and then the thought of needing to network all the time about creativity and what’s current in the creative world with others. 

    so I think most of the time my thought process is that “I need to be creating something to stay relevant and share with others that I’m doing stuff to stay relevant” rather than just creating. 

    sorry, I don’t know if this was off topic to what you were saying! 

Children
  • in reply to profdanger

    This is really true, I think I’ve never had that balance before. Recently I’ve been practicing what I want to practice, and make more the music I want to, and I feel much more relaxed for sure! 

    i think because I was trying so hard and putting my all in projects and work that is not necessarily the thing I wanted to do, I lost sense of what I wanted to. Now, I’ve just been digging into more things that I’ve always wanted to spend time with, like the guitar!

  • in reply to aurelis

    Oh no, totally not off topic. And I totally get

    aurelis said:
    “I need to be creating something to stay relevant and share with others that I’m doing stuff to stay relevant”

    When I was a professor I felt that same urge. 

    Maybe what you need is a balance. A little bit of work on what others will want to hear to stay relevant and a little of what you want to hear. Prince comes to mind when I think of that. He wrote a gargantuan amount of music, but only a fraction of it is available to the public. I’m not saying you need to write a gargantuan amount yourself, not everybody has the productivity that Prince had, just that you might set aside a little time to write things for yourself as well.

    This could also work into what  mentioned about creating a time table to manage your work. Try to add “write for myself” as part of the time you spend per week.

    The time you set aside for yourself might also surprise you; You might end up wanting to share what you make for yourself with others anyways!