Risk aversion

aurelis said:

put myself in situations that don’t suit me

Sometimes we have to put ourselves in uncomfortable situations and sometimes we don't. There's probably a fine line between putting in an effort and masking. We all have to figure out where that line is. My guess is that it moves around a bit, depending on my energy/stress levels. Identifying as Autistic does help us to know that the line exists, though. Then we can put our own needs a bit more to the fore and make better decisions.

I’ve been doing both really, throwing myself in uncomfortable situations so that I can connect with people. Difficulty is maintaining that connection indefinitely and building up a list of things to prepare for the next encounter. Or most of the time switching off the uncomfortable switch to put myself in situations that will challenge me socially, only to leave those situations ruminating on whether I met the right social requirements.

however I’ll struggle with facing uncomfortable necessities such as good planning, perfectionism and making decisions without trying to please the other person, and I do need to work on that.

I'm wondering about all of these social challenges that are supposed to make me more sociable. Is that actually something I want for me, or just something that I'm expected to want? Is this just another form of masking? I think I can live quite happily without most of it, really. I consider going out three or four times purely to socialise to be a busy year.

aurelis said:

I find it awkward to have to state “let’s meet for two/three hours”

My go-to excuse there is "I can meet you at 12 but need to be back by 3 for a call". If they get nosey as to the subject I'll just say its about a legal case and I have an NDA - that normally gets them to drop it.

I’m happy with my own company. However I feel as if I need to force myself to be in the company of others. Recently that’s felt like a checklist rather than genuinely meeting people to feel refreshed (I.e. can I get through this social interaction with a friend successfully).

One thing that I know helps is having a limit on how long I meet someone. I find it awkward to have to state “let’s meet for two/three hours” but knowing that the interaction is going to be for a certain amount of time helps me to prepare for it mentally. An abstract length of time feels difficult, but on the other hand , to cut interactions short feels artificial and I can feel guilty for doing that. But when I don’t, I feel myself drift and if I’m feeling like that, I struggle to be present.

I've found that dilemma too damo, I think there's pressure from professionals who are supposed to be helping us to socialise. The psychologist who diagnosed me was quite shocked when I said I'd not been to the social group he suggested, I asked him what was in it for me? He was perplexed by this question, because I'd told him, it would mean a 40 mile round trip, wandering around a not very safe area of Bangor to get to the restaurant where the meetings were, then when I got there not being able to have anything to eat because that restaurant didn't cater for my dietry needs and I didn't want to sit there with a glass of over priced watery cola and from what he told me most of the people were young men and what would I have in common with them apart from autism?

I condider going out once a year to socialise to be busy, I can't remember the last time I went out to socialise, unless dog walking counts?

Damojo said:

Not sure how to go about that,

The way I did it was to slowly teach myself to choose if I care about what other people think.

If you have a therapist they are best suited to teach this skill.

Mindfulness was a key tool to working out if someone is worth the effort of caring about.

I think there's a bit of a disconnect between what I want/need and what NTs expect. Double empathy problem all the way. I'd like to find some Autistic people to socialise with just to compare the experience. Not sure how to go about that, though.

I do enjoy socialising, I think that trying to socialise in the way I think I should is the stressful part. The feeling of needing to do “social research” on what’s relevant so I can adapt in socialising or trying to listen in conversation and balance that with enough talking so I’m not passive in the conversation. To be honest there’s times where I’m happier alone, but I’m naturally involved with other people in everyday life so I can’t just drop off, it feels “selfish”.

Damojo said:

I'm wondering about all of these social challenges that are supposed to make me more sociable. Is that actually something I want for me, or just something that I'm expected to want?

NTs will most likely want you to behave like them as they are the dominant neurotype in the world, so if you want to mix with them then being able to cope is a pretty essential skill.

If you are happy with your own company then it isn't an issue.

You need to decide what you want ultimately, but there will be a degree of needing to mix for most people for shopping, doctors appointments, family, partner etc.

I guess the key to life is finding the right balance for you.

Damojo said:

I'm wondering about all of these social challenges that are supposed to make me more sociable. Is that actually something I want for me, or just something that I'm expected to want?

NTs will most likely want you to behave like them as they are the dominant neurotype in the world, so if you want to mix with them then being able to cope is a pretty essential skill.

If you are happy with your own company then it isn't an issue.

You need to decide what you want ultimately, but there will be a degree of needing to mix for most people for shopping, doctors appointments, family, partner etc.

I guess the key to life is finding the right balance for you.

aurelis said:

I find it awkward to have to state “let’s meet for two/three hours”

My go-to excuse there is "I can meet you at 12 but need to be back by 3 for a call". If they get nosey as to the subject I'll just say its about a legal case and I have an NDA - that normally gets them to drop it.

I’m happy with my own company. However I feel as if I need to force myself to be in the company of others. Recently that’s felt like a checklist rather than genuinely meeting people to feel refreshed (I.e. can I get through this social interaction with a friend successfully).

One thing that I know helps is having a limit on how long I meet someone. I find it awkward to have to state “let’s meet for two/three hours” but knowing that the interaction is going to be for a certain amount of time helps me to prepare for it mentally. An abstract length of time feels difficult, but on the other hand , to cut interactions short feels artificial and I can feel guilty for doing that. But when I don’t, I feel myself drift and if I’m feeling like that, I struggle to be present.

Damojo said:

Not sure how to go about that,

The way I did it was to slowly teach myself to choose if I care about what other people think.

If you have a therapist they are best suited to teach this skill.

Mindfulness was a key tool to working out if someone is worth the effort of caring about.

I think there's a bit of a disconnect between what I want/need and what NTs expect. Double empathy problem all the way. I'd like to find some Autistic people to socialise with just to compare the experience. Not sure how to go about that, though.