'What do you do?' Being defined by your job

I dread this question when meeting people for the first time, what do I say? I'm not working and haven't for a while due to all my health probems ganging up on me, so do I say that, (usually) do I say what my last job was, self employed hairdresser, what my current and over riding interests are gardening, cooking and history, so should I say I'm a gardener, a cook or an historian? Do they count as I'm not paid for any of them. Or should I say that I'm a human being rather than a human doing?

Why is it so important to NT's to know what work you do, what your profession is so as they can decided whether to talk to you or at you or walk away and ignore you? The only equivalent I can think of for ND's would be 'whats your special interest?'

What do you say when asked this question? 

Do you conform and say what your paid work is/was? 

How do you feel about having to play this game?

Does it put you off socialising?

  • I don't use emojis, I can hardly see them and I dont' uderstand what they mean unless its really obvious like a smiley face. If I told someone the most interesting things I'd learned in a day I'd go on so much I'd bore the pants off them. I don't take photos either.

  • The key to avoiding the over use of the dreaded "what do you do?", according to Chris Colin and Rob Baedeker, authors of "What to Talk About: On a Plane, at a Cocktail Party, in a Tiny Elevator with Your Boss’s Boss", is instead ...to ask an open-ended question such as:

    What are you most passionate about?
    What do you like to do?
    What’s the best thing that happened to you today?
    What are you most excited about right now?
    What are you working on?
    If money were no object, what would you do with your life?
    What do you do for fun?
    What’s something you’re really into right now?
    What’s the most interesting thing that’s happened to you lately?
    How do you feel your life has worked out so far?
    What was the best part of your week / weekend?
    What did you want to be when you grew up?
    What are you looking forward to right now?
    What’s the last picture you took on your phone?
    What is your favourite thing to spend money on?
    What’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about you?
    What habit or improvement are you working on?
    What cheers you up?
    What’s your favourite word?
    What cause are you passionate about?
    What’s on your mind lately?
    What personal habit are you proudest of?
    How do you spend your days?
    What problem do you wish you could solve?
    What’s the most interesting thing you’ve learned recently?
    What’s your favourite emoji?
    Whom in the world would you most like to share a meal with?

    Maybe someone would do the World a favour - by printing a t-shirt with such a list down the front ...to provide a suitable prompt for the uninspired folk as they approach people!

  • I find myself entirely unable to give and straight and simple answer to that question "What do you do for a living."

    I do what I do.  I'm good at some stuff and bad at others.  Most of my "doing" requires an equal amount of stuff I'm good at, and stuff I'm not good at.  I bring in some money for some of those things and I spend that money on life.

    I like it when people ask me more appropriate and interesting questions, like "Are you living a happy life?" or "What do you love to do the most?" or "What is the most interesting thing you think you know?"

    I like people who ask the unexpected and unusual.  It is more interesting.

  • that’s a bad question as well, I’ve learnt that it’s just like saying hello nobody is interested in how you actually feel. Sometimes falling into the trap of properly answering….

  • I always say 'not a lot' which isn't true but it's like the simplest answer I can come up with on the spot. I just want to get away as quickly as possible when people put me on the spot like that, it's like when someone asks 'how are you?' I never know what to say, just want to run and hide.

  • I can relate to what you say here - it’s a difficult question to answer when you don’t have a conventional paid job. It doesn’t seem right to have to immediately start sharing health info with people you barely know (unless you’re comfortable with that of course). For myself I’d probably say something vague like ‘lots of things - none of which are exactly a conventional job’. Which is true :) The important thing to remember is that you don’t have to answer a question just because somebody asks it :)

  • A thing I will never understand is that if a differing opinion comes up I have to accept the other person's opinion but if I give my opinion it's arguing and I will never understand the difference but NTs seem to categorically agree on that point.

  • understood - other people's perspectives can be tricky. Especially when they sometimes appear irrational.  Lots of times assumptions that other person knows what is meant -even using the same language!  The "back story" behind each persons perceptions can be confusing and confounding.

    ]

  • Isn't not playing liberating, it's such a relief although it does cause a different set of problems with people getting cross, but I'd rather be authentically me with few friends and aquaintances than have to do through all the masking and other nonsense to have a life full of people who don't really know me and live in fear of being found out as some kind of fraud.

    ************

    Sorry Phased I didn't really understand your dance metaphor at all

  • I don't think they necessarily want a specific answer but I think a lot of the time the question is just a niceity and the person asking doesn't care that much so is probably expecting a ye good thanks, I did.... Not a story about my mental health.

    I'd imagine it does get a lot easier in that respect but my self esteem with socialising is so low I can say I've experienced feeling good about myself in that situation.

    I think I enjoy a debate. I like the back and forth of it and the passion of an argument for or against. But subjects that matter get too heated and although I like the debate, I really struggle with the other person's opinion being different to mine. It makes no sense to me that they see it so differently because to me my opinion makes so much sense. But with a daft question it doesn't really matter, I enjoy it but a passion for the subject doesn't take over and make it frustrating. I also think I enjoy really thinking about stuff like that. Not sure how to explain that better.

  • so do you find people often want a particular answer?

    I have issues and beating myself up psychologically for not achieving too.  I don't personally recommend lying to others unless essential for safety _  keeping insight and track of my life reality is hard enough let alone fictionalising it as well! 

    What and how one revealing oneself to others / masking it from them is all a complex issue.  It goes loads easier when one feels good about oneself do you think?

    The random question stuff you tie your brain up fascinates me - a special interest in questions which have no definitively correct answer perhaps?

  • Surely humans would win that fight because they'd just eat them.

  • I agree all that "what do you do" is maybe it is all shim sham anyway. 

    To explain:

    "The Shim Sham is 10 phrases of choreography (each phrase lasting four 8-counts), so it does not usually take up an entire song. After the Shim Sham was over, the dancers then would exit either stage left or right, depending on what was agreed upon for that show..

    Like the shim sham, "what do you do?" is a part of the social "dance" of people moving and communicating that both parties are meant to understand doesn't last long perhaps? 

    "What" is a question that makes good anthropological sense.  Perhaps accumulating knowledge about a lot people that we now and/or need .  I guess in that in a community of a lot of people finding and knowing "someone who can" or "someone who knows" is really important.  Perhaps people rely upon direct acquaintance less in several ways today than we might have in the past? Perhaps autistic people more likely so? 

    Personally I also dread this a bit too because I don't like defining other people or myself by "what".  It seems to me that the inherent social assumptions and role playing games that go with "what" are not good for individuals, a healthy society and maybe even the planet in the long run.  Also because I worry so much about me and social communication and I think that other people often haven't done right with me ( an idiom could be "'I've got a big chip on my shoulder" about society!) !   (cue: end the first act with a stirring rendition of "I am what I am"  :-)  )

    "Why" and "How" I suggest are more layered and even more useful questions.  Also a way to better defining "what" - if such a thing is necessary.  So I tend to work towards conversations in "why" or "how" mode if given the chance.  Why and, how are more interesting and perhaps more relevant to understanding and communication for people .  Why and How are not shim sham - they're "dancing" with the other person and staying together.communicating longer in more of the "song"  of social communication.   This sadly often confuses the sort of people who ask "what?" more than those who ask "how?" or "why?" in my experience.

    I hold my hand up that social communication by and involving me is often not "normal" to neurotypical people.  This is  something I believe I have observed of myself and others "like me" for a long time. Even tho' I don't properly understand differences between normal and not and I everyone is different others have told me I am more different than most.  Perhaps regretfully not in a way that a lot of people  want to socialise with me!   Sometimes this puts me off being sociable - mostly fear of making a mistake. being stupid and the ensuing consequences of ill judged social behaviour.

    Anyway I am sure that there are may answers to the question "what do you do?".  If I'm astute enough at the time I would answer the question with another that asks for clarity about what is meant by it and list e.g. work, hobbies, passions and see if there were mutual similarities or things of special interest to talk about.  Hehe, a lot of times this confuses the sort of people that just want to pigeon hole and rank off further questions anyway...  If someone is genuinely interested they seem to put the work into the conversation further.  If not then hey! Maybe there's something else more interesting to do and someone else more interesting to do it with...

    If I'm not feeling astute or genuinely feel I can trust the person then I tell them what I'm doing with my life at present and thank them for asking while observing and responding to their reaction and response.as much as my autism allows.  How much I say depends upon the social cues I pick up and to a certain extent how much I am able to hold the others attention and/or how interested they are.  At some point I naturally move the question around and engage in a reciprocal conversation as comfortable and enjoyable.  That's a best case scenario!

    Anyway these days I very seldom get into social situations where this is a question of me - most likely to happen in context of work where I kind of have to say (until I don't have to do that work).  Much more likely I ask "what do I do/" of myself!!

    Maybe i should get out more!

    Thanks for the topic and thanks for asking :-)

    To sum up:

    once you know a shim sham it's always a shim sham!

    And anyway as the expression has it: 

    'Tain't What You Do (It's the Way That You Do It) :-)

     

  • who would win in a fight 20 chicken sized dinosaurs or 1 dinosaur sized chicken or if you could only eat 1 meal for the rest of your life what would it be.

    It has to be - dino chicken nuggets. with cretaceous barbeque sauce,

  • I don't play it. I tell them the truth, and if I'm not working (like now), I tell them that, too. If they judge me for it, I won't be seeing them again anyway. I'm only interested in forming relationships with people who accept the real version of me, so I've stopped playing NT games, I'm not rude, just honest when it comes to personal questions. It's quite liberating.

  • I try to avoid socialising where possible and yes this is quite a common question. I tend to provide a vague answer as I am not not keen on disclosing information about myself really. I tend to talk about the company I work for, not what I do. If I was braver I would make something strange up just to see their reaction...maybe like a clown or other circus act maybe?

  • I hate being asked this question, but I don’t get asked as often as I used to. I don’t know if that is because I’m older and retired, or if it is because I don’t socialise apart from an occasional lunch with one friend at a time. I tend to meet some people on walks with my dog but I don’t recall being questioned recently about what I do. The last few times I was questioned, I smiled and said ‘it’s a secret’ - I think that’s inoffensive and it makes clear that I don’t want to discuss ‘what I do’.

    Over the years other responses have varied depending on my circumstances, ‘I’m retired’ or ‘I’m a retired teacher’, ‘I be’, I’m unwell’, ‘I’m a student’, ‘I’m an archaeologist’, ‘I’m a volunteer’. I find it hard to tell if people are genuinely interested in me as a person, so I would err on the side of caution, as I have a tendency to say the wrong thing. On more than one occasion I’ve retorted ‘I beg your pardon!’.

    Unfortunately social structures have dictated the preoccupation with occupation for centuries, and it is a worldwide phenomenon. Human beings are defined by their employment or lack of, rather than more importantly, their innate value as human beings. The information we can deduce from historical censuses is largely defined by the person’s occupation. People are valued by the productivity of their lives, and that productivity is defined by how much they contribute to society through not only personal endeavour, but more significantly through financial contribution by way of financial self sufficiency and contribution to the state through income tax. 

    My grandfather had a certain way with words when he was asked a question that he considered rude, eg, ‘I deal with nosy people’. 

  • If I say I'm a hairdresser then people ask me all sorts of hair related questions, I learned early on never to say I was a counsellor or I'd get a life time of trauma told to me, or the reverse and people would think I'd be taking a punishing role, especially as I used to counsel young people. Saying I was a retreat leader gains eye pops and some very strange questions, sometimes interesting ones but often quite a bit of mockery too. Saying I've cooked professionally, tend to get me tales of how poorly so many people feel treated by restaurants or how they can't cook. Gardening get me loads of questions. When I worked in a wholefood shop I got a whole load of weirdness, from conspiracy theories about the food industry, mockery from some and others wanting advice and support.

    I don't socialise anymore either, I really can't be bothered, partly because of questions like this and just because I feel like a fish in a tree.

  • Interestingly, (I guess mostly because I do have a job) what do you do? is one of the questions I can comfortably answer because I work with neurodivergent kids and I'm passionate about it. I'm not that comfortable talking about myself but I am comfortable talking about my job. I think I annoy some people because it tends to be a default topic that I do talk about.

    I can totally see the difficulty when not working though. I do generally find people asking me questions about me difficult. It feels intrusive and I don't like it. I prefer the more random questions like who would win in a fight 20 chicken sized dinosaurs or 1 dinosaur sized chicken.What I find more difficult is people asking me about my weekend or when we've been off for a holiday (it's a school). My truthful answer to that is I've done nothing and it was probably quite rubbish because my mental health dips when I'm not in work. This probably isn't the answer that people are looking for and isn't something I'm particularly comfortable sharing. So what do I do, lie? Make up some interesting things that I did. I'm not comfortable lying either so that's not a great solution. It's hard and this really does put me off socialising.

    I prefer the more random questions like who would win in a fight 20 chicken sized dinosaurs or 1 dinosaur sized chicken or if you could only eat 1 meal for the rest of your life what would it be.

  • I know what you mean. But there may be various reasons why people ask this question. They may be looking to find common ground, they may be trying to find out if they will find you boring (because your job sounds boring to them), they may be trying to work out how much respect they think you're worth, they may be comparing you to themselves, trying to ascertain your education level. Many humans are impressed by high earners, because they admire wealth, power and the ability to "succeed" .

    I'm retired now, so I'd just tell someone that. But then sometimes people ask what you used to do. I'd then say I have worked in accounting, taught English as a second language, and been a special needs teaching assistant during my lifetime. Then if they want to talk about any of those, it's up to them, I'd rather talk about what people enjoy.

    I don't really like "socialising" at all. I can do it, I've learned how to do small talk and sometimes I can even turn the conversation to something that interests me. But I don't see the point any more and it's tiresome. I'd rather chat with my partner or dip into conversations on this forum.