Question about masking and etiquette / politeness

Thank you so much, especially for the reading list!

I have been trying to wrap my brain around this topic too.  I have been working my way through some books etc. on the subject area, including:

Ellie Middleton - book - Unmasked

Autism and masking: how and why people do it, and the impact it can have, Helen Ellis, with Dr Felicity Sedgewick and Dr Laura Hull

Taking Off the Mask: Practical Exercises to Help Understand and Minimise the Effects of Autistic Camouflaging, Dr Hannah Belcher

Autistic Masking: Understanding Identity Management and the Role of Stigma, Dr Amy Pearson, Kieran Rose

Unmasking Autism: The Power of Embracing Our Hidden Neurodiversity, Dr Devon Price

I have found the last book on this list thought-provoking (by Dr Devon Price) as they challenge the reader to really do some proper homework (in a good way) about which things you value (discover or re-discover). 

From there, they help the reader to decide what is non-negotiable (essential as part of "you" and what you stand up for, versus, what might need to be masked for safety (or expediency) in certain situations.

When I was working on something tricky, (supported by a professional), I showed them some book-marked pages from the Unmasking Autism chapters (to help them see what I was thinking about masking at the time.

When I got s copy of the book by Dr Devon Price, it was only available in hardback.  Now it looks to be / about to be available in paperback (September 2025), eBook and Kindle too.  Hopefully that might mean copies, in different formats, might have started finding their way into public Libraries.

I agree with a quote extract from a reader's review:

"I like that the author explains different autistic people’s experiences too and that the author is autistic themselves, I could empathise with the author as it mirrored much of my own experiences."

By that I mean, they approached the issues while acknowledging each Autistic person's experience of masking may be different (and the circumstances and safeguarding of their environment and relationships might vary too).  It is not assuming people have been identified formally as Autistic during their childhood.  There are different strategies / approaches as a route map to consider (rather than an instruction manual "...of course, what you should have done was ...".

I have been taking some of the ideas on board and have then tried out some of them (if I felt comfortable about the people around me and was prepared to chance an experiment).

My feeling is that reading the book and thinking about it has helped me devise so of my own ideas too.  

I have also been experimenting with a few different visual clues to help people to understand / remind them from where I might be approaching things.  I carry these things with me when out of home or on a virtual course etc. (but I am very selective about deployment).

Things like a Sunflower Hidden Disabilities Lanyard or Wrist Band (vague but an alert, one supermarket seems to need the prompt from this!), a small badge mentioning Neurodiversity (getting more specific, and good when delegates on a multi-part course are trying to get to know each other), and a larger badge which clearly says "I am Autistic, Thank You For Understanding" (short of a flashing neon light on top of my head, I don't know how much pointed I could be without being rudely direct!  This one has sometimes helps matters in Hospital Clinic waiting areas as I let the badge "do the talking" on my behalf).

Thanks, over 50 and just learning about this stuff. You're right about it being militant - expecting the rest of the world to be okay with all my behaviours all the time seems rather unrealistic.

I will strive for a bit of balance. My family know what I'm like and let me get on with it in good grace.

I am so grateful for all of the replies to this post AND I can't help thinking some of it goes into exhausting detail (especially where people disagree). It makes me wonder - is that what people think I'm like all the time :) ?

If you haven't yet seen it, you might find this resource (which includes contributions from other autistic people) helpful:

NAS - Masking

I always understood Christmas Cards to have originated from being absent at Christmastime. As a result if you were not going to see someone, you would send them season's greetings. Which to me always made perfect sense. It's the extension out to buying christmas cards for people you are going to see at Christmas which always baffled me.

Thank you, I will study the book soon

A great post - particularly the 18 bullet points part "Here's why you are wrong..."

As a fellow lifelong and high masker, I can say that I find it both tiring AND useful. So like anything, I suppose, it needs a cost/benefit analysis.

If I could give any youngster advice it would be "learn how to smile convincingly, and then use it sparingly". But I guess that you are not a youngster. Maybe don't be suckered in by the militant don't mask at all - that seems a bit like "cutting off your nose to spite your face" to me - but then again just whatever works for you.

I would also say, with regards to societal rules,  my observation and analysis tells me, there are rules but nobody plays by them.  Its not that black and white and it's confusing as hell. You have to learn when people say "oh I don't want anything" means they do. And it's this song and dance a lot of us find hard.

Edited for my own sanity. I'm wasting no one else's time except my own.  

The concept I raised about Freud is still very much alive and well today. It's a Defence Mechanism called Sublimation. And so why I added in several other names. In fact, this is something that makes communication between Autistic and non-autistic a complete mismatch.

As for Freud? You'll find all of his concepts built upon and expanded on ad infinitum. the Ego, Oedipus, the unconscious and so on. Attachment theory was based on Winnicot who expanded on Oedipus from a different angle. In fact, most have misinterpreted Freud. It's good to first go to a source - read him and his students/contemporaries. He's reasonable and humble, acknowledging his limits. The problem with Freud is the problem with all of us: we only have so much time in life.  Thus why his daughter carried on his work & her foundation is actually doing some good with 'Autism reasearch'. He laid a LOT of groundwork. Like Kant did. The fact that we're still reading articles about him today says enough. 

If it's of interest, Deleuze and Guattari's Anti-Oedipus series are mind blowing. 

Iain said:

The chances of being in a situation where the date was only a guestimate are near zero in modern life I think.

You'd be surprised. I come across people who do not have an accurate date of birth.

I thought gift giving was because you want to, not because you have to. 

Forgive me for wading in on someone else's comment but I too do not understand the enforced demand of birthdays. For many aspects not just gift giving. I also don't feel it's for someone else to say "whether or not" this is "PDA related" (yes I am aware this response may also be PDA related but as I do not have a formal diagnosis.......whatever. ...) or what bearing it has on anything. Personal preference doesn't have to be medicalised. Does it?  

It's worth noting........,people have different love languages.  I'm not talking about literal, romantic love but it can encompass "the people in our life". For some, it isn't about gift giving. We have different ways of showing we care or are cared for. 

Maybe someone can find a link about it.

Unknown said:

If we didn't have a watch/i-phone/astronomical observatory, how would we even know the actual date?

This is a reasonable point, but when was the last time society was without a reliable way to tell the date?

Before the internet there as television with the near universally watched news programs that led with the date, before that was radio with similar and before that was newspapers / calendars hung on walls etc.

The chances of being in a situation where the date was only a guestimate are near zero in modern life I think.

Unknown said:

I HATE birthdays BECAUSE of the "enforced" demand to give-a-gift/receive-a-gift on demand

Do you have PDA? This may be a part of the particular reaction here - just wondering.

The commercialisation of sociery does mean there are pressures to give gifts for all sorts of arbitary reasons so it is definitely overdone in my view, but the more personal dates, like birthdays, seem to be held in high regard by many people and missing these often causes upset.

For these sort of situation I always try to keep a stock of basic gifts and use a carefully thought out message in the card to personalise it for them.

I try to treat it as one of those aspects of society that I don't particularly like or agree with but by railing against it I know it will only cause upset so I learn the rules and find ways to make it as little hassle for me as I can.

I am unsure of how to answer your question but for me 50 years of masking has become innate and subconsciously carried out. It is only recently that I became aware of masking when I was diagnosed a 'Lateling'.

It is such a complex nature and in some situations masking is used for basic survival and can be both a subconscious and conscious effort.

Some masking is 'normal' 

You and me both (and plenty others here too.)  Voting whilst on your phone - or looking - or even navigating around - is a frigging nightmare - and frankly not something that I even attempt these days, on a phone screen......with this site!

Misclicks and errant taps on the phone. Hadn't intentionally up or down voted anyone or anything...of well such things happen.

Iain said:

The act of celebrating and gift giving is a societal one with religion giving some occassions when others are universal (e.g. birthdays).

All of these are "date" based - ie arbitary/calendar based.  How can that be deemed appropriate/relevant these days? 

Iain said:

I think focusing on beliefs is a red herring here

That is all humanity has?!

For the record, I HATE birthdays BECAUSE of the "enforced" demand to give-a-gift/receive-a-gift on demand......irrespective of relevancy/applicability.....but purely due to an arbitrary date that has no actual meaning.  If we didn't have a watch/i-phone/astronomical observatory, how would we even know the actual date?

I LOVE to give a gift, when an applicable gift is discovered/made/found......but if the demand is based on an arbitrary date.....what is the point/relevance/significance.

And just so "others" are aware....whilst only "two" voters appear in relation to this "martintheactor" post here.....I was the +1, whereas "martintheactor" had down-voted himself.  Stranger things have happened in this place!

martintheactor said:

Freud's work has been entirely debunked at this point.

The original writing perhaps, but it has evolved a lot over the years and still seems to be taken very seriously by professionals in the field.

From https://journalpsyche.org/is-freud-still-relevant-today/

With the development of several theories of the human personality Freud’s is no longer the only one with validity or relevance. This does not mean that it should be rejected out of hand solely based on how its interpretations impact you.

While no professional is required to blindly accept the key points of any theoretical paradigm, the rejection should be based on solid scientific grounds.

It is quite an interesting read.

martintheactor said:

My point was that if one's beliefs are different then it is the respect of the individual belief systems that become more important that the social dogma

I think focusing on beliefs is a red herring here. The act of celebrating and gift giving is a societal one with religion giving some occassions when others are universal (e.g. birthdays).

To reject these in favour of your own choices (as this is what it is) is seen as being disrespectful to others, especially given whe whole cycle of gifting I explained earlier.

The whole process of choosing a gift can be remarkably simple if you plan well and don't focus on giving the "perfect" gift for the person and situaiton so there is no need to let it become an intrusive force to your thinking.

martintheactor said:

There are also mechanisms by which laws can be changed or influenced by large scale public opinion. There are no statute books for social interactions.

People have managed to bring Pride to be an annual celebration throughout the UK by using the mechanism of being organised and building a positive image for it. 30 years ago it would probably not have worked at all because of societal unspoken rules.

Thats the funny thing about society - if there are no rule books then how does amost everybody else know what to do? Just because we don't get it does not mean it isn't there - we just need to find places where people do codify it for us.

I get the feeling we will not see eye to eye on this subject but I hope the above is some food for thought.

[Edit] After thought I realised that this reply did nothing to add to the conversation of the initial poster asking about masking/politeness. My error and apologies. Original post was asserting a viewpoint about Psychoanalysis, and not relevant to the original question. Happy to discuss PA with others in a thread specifically for that, but edited out my reply so as to not hijack the original post. :)