Question about masking and etiquette / politeness

This is, of course, only my experience but pre diagnosis I have always for most of my adult life seen my blunt honesty as just that. My worldview had been that people run around being openly dishonest with no real reason to lie. I've always valued people willing to hear honesty and honest opinions without the baggage of 'oh but that isn't very nice'.

My family honestly were some of the ones most impacted by this - I hate birthdays and christmas and always have. I'll put endless effort into looking for gifts for people important to me, but beyond giving a gift I don't want to receive gifts, nor do I want to engage in any celebrations. Despite this you still get family members claiming 'its the thought that counts' when they've put no thought into the purchase of a gift that was just a waste of money. Then they get all offended when I tell them as such. To me, this all make logical sense. It's all obvious. That said I'm aware that to other people it comes across as rude without a diplomatic phrasing. Over time my go-to became 'I don't like Christmas and Birthdays, save your money and spend it instead on something bigger for someone more important like my siblings'.

I've done this in so much more of my life too in different ways though. And like you I will have done more research on most matters I'm willing to converse about that I'll know that I'm most likely correct. Despite this, people don't want to hear it. Instead preferring to trust more in what feels correct to them. 

I turned 39 in the last week and was diagnosed a little over a month ago. My viewpoint now is honestly - to hell with it. Masking brought burnout, which thankfully brought with it the assessment for and diagnosis of autism. I don't care any more if people see me as rude. I genuinely don't think that I can afford to mask up any more. Not if burnout is the cost of masking. 

For additional context, I masked very heavily after the lockdowns lifted. Having lost my job, I was solely focused on working toward moving in with and getting married to my fiancee. So, I began to try doing all the 'normal' and 'sensible' things. For that I received more frequent anxiety attacks, pretty heavy depression and fatigue. It all started bubbling and building under the surface until I got covid. Which was like being forced to stop everything. I hit a metaphorical wall and came to a total stop. That was nearly three years ago now. I am only just beginning to feel like I understand what caused me to burnout so severely.

So I say again - for me - if burnout is the cost, then masking is not worth it to me. The world and people in it can either accept me or not.

martintheactor said:

I hate birthdays and christmas and always have. I'll put endless effort into looking for gifts for people important to me,

Do you understand why people buy gifts for one another though?

It is an ancient cultural tradition that has 3 element, the giving, the receiving and the reciprocation.

The first act of giving establishes the virtues of the gift giver. They express their generosity, kindness and honor.

The act of receiving the gift, in turn, shows a person’s willingness to be honored. This is a way for the receiver to show their own generosity, that they are willing to accept what was offered to them.

The third component of gift giving is reciprocity, returning in kind what was first given. Essentially, the person who received the gift is now expected – implicitly or explicitly – to give a gift back to the original giver.

(taken from  https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-do-we-give-gifts-an-anthropologist-explains-this-ancient-human-behavior/ )

Now you know the reason and the rules, it is like driving. You know what the colours of a traffic light represent and you drive respecting these because it is in the hightway code.

Do you choose to disagree and don't stop on red because you don't want to? No - and the refusal to participate in the gifting cycle is a bit like that - you are disrespecting those who are honouring you with gifts.

It is still a valid choice but I though you may appreciate the understanding of why people include you in it and what it means to refuse it.

Yes, it's a cultural tradition. So have been certain religions in the UK, or even regions of England. We don't criticise those who celebrate different cultural festivals, or even those who simply don't engage with religion at all. Frankly the anthropology of it all is - at best - on shaky ground when one looks at the interface between cultural differences.

My point wasn't the act of giving/receiving gifts itself. My point was that if one's beliefs are different then it is the respect of the individual belief systems that become more important that the social dogma. The respect is a two way street. I won't and don't criticise anyone for taking a position or opinion on where you place the importance. My opinion is placed upon the side of respecting the individuals stance and beliefs on gift giving rather than social convention due to my own biases. Yours may be different and I do recognise that as valid.

I base this opinion on years of having tried to force myself to fit into the social convention and it having obliterated my ability to function, work, and even do day to day things. As I say, the benefits of 'fitting in' and going along with social convention does not for me work. For others, I'm sure it is - something which I entirely respect.

Frankly, bringing the law into a conversation on social convention is a false equivalency. Especially, when your response has been received on my end as a simple statement about why I am incorrect. While, yes, laws are socially created they are codified, debated, and written in publicly accessible forums. There are also mechanisms by which laws can be changed or influenced by large scale public opinion. There are no statute books for social interactions. I could continue and pull on any number of published thesis (I read academic research for pleasure), but let us instead agree that we see things in different ways.

I would also say, with regards to societal rules,  my observation and analysis tells me, there are rules but nobody plays by them.  Its not that black and white and it's confusing as hell. You have to learn when people say "oh I don't want anything" means they do. And it's this song and dance a lot of us find hard.

Edited for my own sanity. I'm wasting no one else's time except my own.  

I would also say, with regards to societal rules,  my observation and analysis tells me, there are rules but nobody plays by them.  Its not that black and white and it's confusing as hell. You have to learn when people say "oh I don't want anything" means they do. And it's this song and dance a lot of us find hard.

Edited for my own sanity. I'm wasting no one else's time except my own.