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Question about masking and etiquette / politeness

Samuel50

I'm a bit new to this, but I've been reading a lot about masking, and most of the comments are about avoiding it in order to reduce stress.

I have observed my own behaviour, and there seem to be some circumstances where I feel I'd actually like to cover up my autistic traits more rather than less, now I'm aware of them.

For example, by default I am convinced in my head that if I just explain how I am right about something, and provide sufficient (at least 18 bullet points) steamrolling evidence then everyone else will fall into line.

In the real world, this doesn't work. People think I'm dominating and don't think they get a word in. So I think I'd like to take a step back and think about how my communications might be received by others.

I suppose I'm asking where the line is between masking autistic traits and just being seen to be a bit more reasonable.

Implied in the question is my assumption that I can be both autistic and rude at the same time!

Thank you.

Parents

  • I have been trying to wrap my brain around this topic too.  I have been working my way through some books etc. on the subject area, including:

    Ellie Middleton - book - Unmasked

    Autism and masking: how and why people do it, and the impact it can have, Helen Ellis, with Dr Felicity Sedgewick and Dr Laura Hull

    Taking Off the Mask: Practical Exercises to Help Understand and Minimise the Effects of Autistic Camouflaging, Dr Hannah Belcher

    Autistic Masking: Understanding Identity Management and the Role of Stigma, Dr Amy Pearson, Kieran Rose

    Unmasking Autism: The Power of Embracing Our Hidden Neurodiversity, Dr Devon Price

    I have found the last book on this list thought-provoking (by Dr Devon Price) as they challenge the reader to really do some proper homework (in a good way) about which things you value (discover or re-discover). 

    From there, they help the reader to decide what is non-negotiable (essential as part of "you" and what you stand up for, versus, what might need to be masked for safety (or expediency) in certain situations.

    When I was working on something tricky, (supported by a professional), I showed them some book-marked pages from the Unmasking Autism chapters (to help them see what I was thinking about masking at the time.

    When I got s copy of the book by Dr Devon Price, it was only available in hardback.  Now it looks to be / about to be available in paperback (September 2025), eBook and Kindle too.  Hopefully that might mean copies, in different formats, might have started finding their way into public Libraries.

    I agree with a quote extract from a reader's review:

    "I like that the author explains different autistic people’s experiences too and that the author is autistic themselves, I could empathise with the author as it mirrored much of my own experiences."

    By that I mean, they approached the issues while acknowledging each Autistic person's experience of masking may be different (and the circumstances and safeguarding of their environment and relationships might vary too).  It is not assuming people have been identified formally as Autistic during their childhood.  There are different strategies / approaches as a route map to consider (rather than an instruction manual "...of course, what you should have done was ...".

    I have been taking some of the ideas on board and have then tried out some of them (if I felt comfortable about the people around me and was prepared to chance an experiment).

    My feeling is that reading the book and thinking about it has helped me devise so of my own ideas too.  

    I have also been experimenting with a few different visual clues to help people to understand / remind them from where I might be approaching things.  I carry these things with me when out of home or on a virtual course etc. (but I am very selective about deployment).

    Things like a Sunflower Hidden Disabilities Lanyard or Wrist Band (vague but an alert, one supermarket seems to need the prompt from this!), a small badge mentioning Neurodiversity (getting more specific, and good when delegates on a multi-part course are trying to get to know each other), and a larger badge which clearly says "I am Autistic, Thank You For Understanding" (short of a flashing neon light on top of my head, I don't know how much pointed I could be without being rudely direct!  This one has sometimes helps matters in Hospital Clinic waiting areas as I let the badge "do the talking" on my behalf).

  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25

    Thank you so much, especially for the reading list!

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