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Question about masking and etiquette / politeness

Samuel50

I'm a bit new to this, but I've been reading a lot about masking, and most of the comments are about avoiding it in order to reduce stress.

I have observed my own behaviour, and there seem to be some circumstances where I feel I'd actually like to cover up my autistic traits more rather than less, now I'm aware of them.

For example, by default I am convinced in my head that if I just explain how I am right about something, and provide sufficient (at least 18 bullet points) steamrolling evidence then everyone else will fall into line.

In the real world, this doesn't work. People think I'm dominating and don't think they get a word in. So I think I'd like to take a step back and think about how my communications might be received by others.

I suppose I'm asking where the line is between masking autistic traits and just being seen to be a bit more reasonable.

Implied in the question is my assumption that I can be both autistic and rude at the same time!

Thank you.

Parents
  • Samuel50 said:
    where the line is between masking autistic traits and just being seen to be a bit more reasonable

    You normally work this out by observing the behaviour of others and analyse their behaviour using your very thorough mind.

    If you can turn it into a special interest it gets so much easier to do.

    You can also read a bit about it although it probably won't give you the granular detail you are adter - this is a good guide:

    The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships - Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Temple Grandin, Sean Barron (2005)
    ISBN: 9781941765388

    So through a mix of education and observation you should be able to see what is expected, but the hard part is recalling it when you need it - this takes practice and a lot of patience.

    To move seamlessly through social groups does require masking as you have seen - it take practice to know when to let this relax and be more authentic and I found the best way was to only do it around people who understand and accept me. This is a small group so I choose not to socialise too much if I can help it just because it takes so much energy.

    I found being authentic all the time just gets you socially exiled which is a bit more permanent than choosing when to participate.

Reply
  • Samuel50 said:
    where the line is between masking autistic traits and just being seen to be a bit more reasonable

    You normally work this out by observing the behaviour of others and analyse their behaviour using your very thorough mind.

    If you can turn it into a special interest it gets so much easier to do.

    You can also read a bit about it although it probably won't give you the granular detail you are adter - this is a good guide:

    The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships - Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Temple Grandin, Sean Barron (2005)
    ISBN: 9781941765388

    So through a mix of education and observation you should be able to see what is expected, but the hard part is recalling it when you need it - this takes practice and a lot of patience.

    To move seamlessly through social groups does require masking as you have seen - it take practice to know when to let this relax and be more authentic and I found the best way was to only do it around people who understand and accept me. This is a small group so I choose not to socialise too much if I can help it just because it takes so much energy.

    I found being authentic all the time just gets you socially exiled which is a bit more permanent than choosing when to participate.

Children
  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you, I will study the book soon

  • in reply to Iain

    ANY post, citing Temple G, gets a massive THUMBS UP from me.  If I could vote for a "queen of me", she would be mine! (most especially BECAUSE she would HATE that personalised accolade from me!)  Class!!

  • in reply to Iain

    In recent times I've simply found social interactions very tiring (resulting in a series of minor burnouts rather than one big one). Part of my job is to travel quite a lot with work colleagues. They are great people but they don't know I'm autistic and they would have no idea about things like 'The Double Empathy Problem', for example. Just lately they've commented on how I tend to sleep a lot during travel. It's because I can only manage a certain amount of interaction with them before I literally nod off. I guess this is masking on my part but I'm not really sure how else I can concentrate on conversations and respond usefully. I find myself having to listen very carefully then choose my words in response with precision. It's very frustrating.

    But to pick up on one of the points above: Christmas cards. Why? I've never understood them. You either see people regularly all year or you never see them at all then once a year you are kind of compelled to send a piece of card with your signature on to them. It's never made sense to me but I guess that kind of rather brutal logic is what gets us labelled as rude or aloof.