Question about masking and etiquette / politeness

This is, of course, only my experience but pre diagnosis I have always for most of my adult life seen my blunt honesty as just that. My worldview had been that people run around being openly dishonest with no real reason to lie. I've always valued people willing to hear honesty and honest opinions without the baggage of 'oh but that isn't very nice'.

My family honestly were some of the ones most impacted by this - I hate birthdays and christmas and always have. I'll put endless effort into looking for gifts for people important to me, but beyond giving a gift I don't want to receive gifts, nor do I want to engage in any celebrations. Despite this you still get family members claiming 'its the thought that counts' when they've put no thought into the purchase of a gift that was just a waste of money. Then they get all offended when I tell them as such. To me, this all make logical sense. It's all obvious. That said I'm aware that to other people it comes across as rude without a diplomatic phrasing. Over time my go-to became 'I don't like Christmas and Birthdays, save your money and spend it instead on something bigger for someone more important like my siblings'.

I've done this in so much more of my life too in different ways though. And like you I will have done more research on most matters I'm willing to converse about that I'll know that I'm most likely correct. Despite this, people don't want to hear it. Instead preferring to trust more in what feels correct to them. 

I turned 39 in the last week and was diagnosed a little over a month ago. My viewpoint now is honestly - to hell with it. Masking brought burnout, which thankfully brought with it the assessment for and diagnosis of autism. I don't care any more if people see me as rude. I genuinely don't think that I can afford to mask up any more. Not if burnout is the cost of masking. 

For additional context, I masked very heavily after the lockdowns lifted. Having lost my job, I was solely focused on working toward moving in with and getting married to my fiancee. So, I began to try doing all the 'normal' and 'sensible' things. For that I received more frequent anxiety attacks, pretty heavy depression and fatigue. It all started bubbling and building under the surface until I got covid. Which was like being forced to stop everything. I hit a metaphorical wall and came to a total stop. That was nearly three years ago now. I am only just beginning to feel like I understand what caused me to burnout so severely.

So I say again - for me - if burnout is the cost, then masking is not worth it to me. The world and people in it can either accept me or not.

martintheactor said:

I hate birthdays and christmas and always have. I'll put endless effort into looking for gifts for people important to me,

Do you understand why people buy gifts for one another though?

It is an ancient cultural tradition that has 3 element, the giving, the receiving and the reciprocation.

The first act of giving establishes the virtues of the gift giver. They express their generosity, kindness and honor.

The act of receiving the gift, in turn, shows a person’s willingness to be honored. This is a way for the receiver to show their own generosity, that they are willing to accept what was offered to them.

The third component of gift giving is reciprocity, returning in kind what was first given. Essentially, the person who received the gift is now expected – implicitly or explicitly – to give a gift back to the original giver.

(taken from  https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-do-we-give-gifts-an-anthropologist-explains-this-ancient-human-behavior/ )

Now you know the reason and the rules, it is like driving. You know what the colours of a traffic light represent and you drive respecting these because it is in the hightway code.

Do you choose to disagree and don't stop on red because you don't want to? No - and the refusal to participate in the gifting cycle is a bit like that - you are disrespecting those who are honouring you with gifts.

It is still a valid choice but I though you may appreciate the understanding of why people include you in it and what it means to refuse it.

Yes, it's a cultural tradition. So have been certain religions in the UK, or even regions of England. We don't criticise those who celebrate different cultural festivals, or even those who simply don't engage with religion at all. Frankly the anthropology of it all is - at best - on shaky ground when one looks at the interface between cultural differences.

My point wasn't the act of giving/receiving gifts itself. My point was that if one's beliefs are different then it is the respect of the individual belief systems that become more important that the social dogma. The respect is a two way street. I won't and don't criticise anyone for taking a position or opinion on where you place the importance. My opinion is placed upon the side of respecting the individuals stance and beliefs on gift giving rather than social convention due to my own biases. Yours may be different and I do recognise that as valid.

I base this opinion on years of having tried to force myself to fit into the social convention and it having obliterated my ability to function, work, and even do day to day things. As I say, the benefits of 'fitting in' and going along with social convention does not for me work. For others, I'm sure it is - something which I entirely respect.

Frankly, bringing the law into a conversation on social convention is a false equivalency. Especially, when your response has been received on my end as a simple statement about why I am incorrect. While, yes, laws are socially created they are codified, debated, and written in publicly accessible forums. There are also mechanisms by which laws can be changed or influenced by large scale public opinion. There are no statute books for social interactions. I could continue and pull on any number of published thesis (I read academic research for pleasure), but let us instead agree that we see things in different ways.

I would also say, with regards to societal rules,  my observation and analysis tells me, there are rules but nobody plays by them.  Its not that black and white and it's confusing as hell. You have to learn when people say "oh I don't want anything" means they do. And it's this song and dance a lot of us find hard.

Edited for my own sanity. I'm wasting no one else's time except my own.  

Iain said:

The chances of being in a situation where the date was only a guestimate are near zero in modern life I think.

You'd be surprised. I come across people who do not have an accurate date of birth.

I thought gift giving was because you want to, not because you have to. 

Forgive me for wading in on someone else's comment but I too do not understand the enforced demand of birthdays. For many aspects not just gift giving. I also don't feel it's for someone else to say "whether or not" this is "PDA related" (yes I am aware this response may also be PDA related but as I do not have a formal diagnosis.......whatever. ...) or what bearing it has on anything. Personal preference doesn't have to be medicalised. Does it?  

It's worth noting........,people have different love languages.  I'm not talking about literal, romantic love but it can encompass "the people in our life". For some, it isn't about gift giving. We have different ways of showing we care or are cared for. 

Maybe someone can find a link about it.

Unknown said:

If we didn't have a watch/i-phone/astronomical observatory, how would we even know the actual date?

This is a reasonable point, but when was the last time society was without a reliable way to tell the date?

Before the internet there as television with the near universally watched news programs that led with the date, before that was radio with similar and before that was newspapers / calendars hung on walls etc.

The chances of being in a situation where the date was only a guestimate are near zero in modern life I think.

Unknown said:

I HATE birthdays BECAUSE of the "enforced" demand to give-a-gift/receive-a-gift on demand

Do you have PDA? This may be a part of the particular reaction here - just wondering.

The commercialisation of sociery does mean there are pressures to give gifts for all sorts of arbitary reasons so it is definitely overdone in my view, but the more personal dates, like birthdays, seem to be held in high regard by many people and missing these often causes upset.

For these sort of situation I always try to keep a stock of basic gifts and use a carefully thought out message in the card to personalise it for them.

I try to treat it as one of those aspects of society that I don't particularly like or agree with but by railing against it I know it will only cause upset so I learn the rules and find ways to make it as little hassle for me as I can.

You and me both (and plenty others here too.)  Voting whilst on your phone - or looking - or even navigating around - is a frigging nightmare - and frankly not something that I even attempt these days, on a phone screen......with this site!

Misclicks and errant taps on the phone. Hadn't intentionally up or down voted anyone or anything...of well such things happen.

Iain said:

The act of celebrating and gift giving is a societal one with religion giving some occassions when others are universal (e.g. birthdays).

All of these are "date" based - ie arbitary/calendar based.  How can that be deemed appropriate/relevant these days? 

Iain said:

I think focusing on beliefs is a red herring here

That is all humanity has?!

For the record, I HATE birthdays BECAUSE of the "enforced" demand to give-a-gift/receive-a-gift on demand......irrespective of relevancy/applicability.....but purely due to an arbitrary date that has no actual meaning.  If we didn't have a watch/i-phone/astronomical observatory, how would we even know the actual date?

I LOVE to give a gift, when an applicable gift is discovered/made/found......but if the demand is based on an arbitrary date.....what is the point/relevance/significance.

Iain said:

I think focusing on beliefs is a red herring here

That is all humanity has?!

For the record, I HATE birthdays BECAUSE of the "enforced" demand to give-a-gift/receive-a-gift on demand......irrespective of relevancy/applicability.....but purely due to an arbitrary date that has no actual meaning.  If we didn't have a watch/i-phone/astronomical observatory, how would we even know the actual date?

I LOVE to give a gift, when an applicable gift is discovered/made/found......but if the demand is based on an arbitrary date.....what is the point/relevance/significance.

I would also say, with regards to societal rules,  my observation and analysis tells me, there are rules but nobody plays by them.  Its not that black and white and it's confusing as hell. You have to learn when people say "oh I don't want anything" means they do. And it's this song and dance a lot of us find hard.

Edited for my own sanity. I'm wasting no one else's time except my own.  

Iain said:

The chances of being in a situation where the date was only a guestimate are near zero in modern life I think.

You'd be surprised. I come across people who do not have an accurate date of birth.

I thought gift giving was because you want to, not because you have to. 

Forgive me for wading in on someone else's comment but I too do not understand the enforced demand of birthdays. For many aspects not just gift giving. I also don't feel it's for someone else to say "whether or not" this is "PDA related" (yes I am aware this response may also be PDA related but as I do not have a formal diagnosis.......whatever. ...) or what bearing it has on anything. Personal preference doesn't have to be medicalised. Does it?  

It's worth noting........,people have different love languages.  I'm not talking about literal, romantic love but it can encompass "the people in our life". For some, it isn't about gift giving. We have different ways of showing we care or are cared for. 

Maybe someone can find a link about it.

Unknown said:

If we didn't have a watch/i-phone/astronomical observatory, how would we even know the actual date?

This is a reasonable point, but when was the last time society was without a reliable way to tell the date?

Before the internet there as television with the near universally watched news programs that led with the date, before that was radio with similar and before that was newspapers / calendars hung on walls etc.

The chances of being in a situation where the date was only a guestimate are near zero in modern life I think.

Unknown said:

I HATE birthdays BECAUSE of the "enforced" demand to give-a-gift/receive-a-gift on demand

Do you have PDA? This may be a part of the particular reaction here - just wondering.

The commercialisation of sociery does mean there are pressures to give gifts for all sorts of arbitary reasons so it is definitely overdone in my view, but the more personal dates, like birthdays, seem to be held in high regard by many people and missing these often causes upset.

For these sort of situation I always try to keep a stock of basic gifts and use a carefully thought out message in the card to personalise it for them.

I try to treat it as one of those aspects of society that I don't particularly like or agree with but by railing against it I know it will only cause upset so I learn the rules and find ways to make it as little hassle for me as I can.