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Question about masking and etiquette / politeness

Samuel50

I'm a bit new to this, but I've been reading a lot about masking, and most of the comments are about avoiding it in order to reduce stress.

I have observed my own behaviour, and there seem to be some circumstances where I feel I'd actually like to cover up my autistic traits more rather than less, now I'm aware of them.

For example, by default I am convinced in my head that if I just explain how I am right about something, and provide sufficient (at least 18 bullet points) steamrolling evidence then everyone else will fall into line.

In the real world, this doesn't work. People think I'm dominating and don't think they get a word in. So I think I'd like to take a step back and think about how my communications might be received by others.

I suppose I'm asking where the line is between masking autistic traits and just being seen to be a bit more reasonable.

Implied in the question is my assumption that I can be both autistic and rude at the same time!

Thank you.

Parents

  • There's a lot packed into a dialogue, discussion or even an argument but I've found over the years to ask myself why I need to defend a thing. Have I been falsely accused? Will it cause harm to another party? What kind of relationship do I have with this other person and does it matter.

    All humans have a drive toward resolution. It's just that if Freud was right (and Lacan and Jung and Fromm and so on), then the Typical method of 'resolution' is by fixing something other than the actual problem as part of Sublimation, learned through Typical communication. This includes the use of implied and unspoken elements deemed more 'civilised', and here's where one line of difference is, How we engage and convey a thing. What tends to be autistic is our spelling everything out, being overt, plainly stating what we are implying rather than intentionally hiding a thing for a bit of mystery and social dominance.

    We can all be controlling, make unreasonable demands, mis-perceive a thing, be cruel. These are human items one can consciously begin to discipline, which is where I think Autistic thinking might come in useful. It's emotionally taxing, but I think we might be more open.

    Intentionally hiding a thing can be a task of working out two things. One, what's priority or important. And two. if the other is projecting or if their perception and belief is abusive toward you or someone you love / care for. If the hill you're willing to die on is to protect another or about danger. I've had to learn to start writing things down, consolidating information or even the extremely painful of allowing the other the repercussions of their actions. 

    We tend to feel things more intensely. Do I need to protect the other from the intensity of my reactions? That's not "masking". I do catch myself and have a laugh. But I also don't allow a**oles in my circle.  Do I need to step away from a discussion and write down my thoughts or I'll raze the other to an ash and cinder? That's not masking, just being responsible.  :) 

Reply

  • There's a lot packed into a dialogue, discussion or even an argument but I've found over the years to ask myself why I need to defend a thing. Have I been falsely accused? Will it cause harm to another party? What kind of relationship do I have with this other person and does it matter.

    All humans have a drive toward resolution. It's just that if Freud was right (and Lacan and Jung and Fromm and so on), then the Typical method of 'resolution' is by fixing something other than the actual problem as part of Sublimation, learned through Typical communication. This includes the use of implied and unspoken elements deemed more 'civilised', and here's where one line of difference is, How we engage and convey a thing. What tends to be autistic is our spelling everything out, being overt, plainly stating what we are implying rather than intentionally hiding a thing for a bit of mystery and social dominance.

    We can all be controlling, make unreasonable demands, mis-perceive a thing, be cruel. These are human items one can consciously begin to discipline, which is where I think Autistic thinking might come in useful. It's emotionally taxing, but I think we might be more open.

    Intentionally hiding a thing can be a task of working out two things. One, what's priority or important. And two. if the other is projecting or if their perception and belief is abusive toward you or someone you love / care for. If the hill you're willing to die on is to protect another or about danger. I've had to learn to start writing things down, consolidating information or even the extremely painful of allowing the other the repercussions of their actions. 

    We tend to feel things more intensely. Do I need to protect the other from the intensity of my reactions? That's not "masking". I do catch myself and have a laugh. But I also don't allow a**oles in my circle.  Do I need to step away from a discussion and write down my thoughts or I'll raze the other to an ash and cinder? That's not masking, just being responsible.  :) 

Children
  • in reply to JuniperFromGallifrey

    [Edit] After thought I realised that this reply did nothing to add to the conversation of the initial poster asking about masking/politeness. My error and apologies. Original post was asserting a viewpoint about Psychoanalysis, and not relevant to the original question. Happy to discuss PA with others in a thread specifically for that, but edited out my reply so as to not hijack the original post. :)