Is it okay to feel this way?

I know that all the times in my past when I thought it was 'make or break', it was not and all the anxiety that I built about the event was misplaced. I know that in real crises I am relatively calm and effective, I once saved a man who had had an epileptic fit in the sea, I hauled him out and organised an ambulance to be called, it is the more minor things that work me up to an unbearable pitch of anxiety.

Good luck with the new job! I'm also late in realising that I may be autistic (male, early 60s). I've also had mental health problems for pretty much all my life. It's very hard to deal with and I wish you strength. Perhaps there will be some useful advice here.

One thing... NHS staff, by law, should be getting autism training (different levels of training depending on their role). I wonder if you have had that training, and whether your colleagues have. I know they are only human but perhaps they would understand some of your behaviour if they knew you were neurodivergent. Do you have a diagnosis? 

NHS staff need to know how to treat autistic people and maybe working with you could help them. I would personally be reluctant to come out with it on day one - I'm just not like that. I hope that in time you will find some allies.

Ruth said:

I wonder why some people are neurodivergent and others are not.

Even science has not fully answered this yet so you are in good company.

Research is pointing towards it being genetic in cause (ie neurodivergence runs in the bloodline) so it most likely came from at least one of your parents.

Ruth said:

I really want to conquer faking being normal.

I get this. I had a 32 year career in IT that required me to fit in, especially when working as a manger. The job had high levels of customer facing, a lot of which was when they were upset about something not working so I developed a wide range of masking and scripting techniques to cope.

These all take a lot of mental energy to maintain and while they are effective they take their toll. I would often be exhausted at the end of the day and every few years I would change jobs as I needed a break or a change in order to reset (burnout).

I was diagnosed a few years ago and tried to unmask a lot more at work and it made them quite suspicious - they doubted my claims of being autistic because I was so "normal" to them then they thought I was untrustworthy if I had been faking it the while time before.

It is hard to "come out" as autistic after being in a role for a while but you should find that disclosing to the HR department that you are a diagnosed autist will allow you to ask for something called "reasonable adjustments" which can lessen the stresses on you.

When lowering your mask I would suggest doing it in stages as a rapid change in behaviour causes concern - and doing it bit by bit gives you time to adjust and adapt to the new behaviour.

A great thing about your position is that you are in a position to be a positive advocate for autism in your line of work.

What are the challanges you find most pronounced with your autism at work?

I really want to conquer faking being normal. I don’t want the slightest bit of not appearing normal to shine through. It is exhausting but I work in nursing. I need to show that I’m capable and I start a new job next week.

I wonder why some people are neurodivergent and others are not. I’m quite late in realising it (21) but maybe because I’m female. I’ve had mental health problems all my life. I wish we knew more.

I suppose. I’m just due to start a new job next week. Full of anxiety and sure it’ll be obvious miles off that I’m not normal. I work in healthcare where there are lives on the line. I need to look capable and I can’t even make eye-contact.

Have you considered that a 'miraculously normalised' you, would not be you? Many autistic people would like their more distressing traits, for example heightened anxiety, neutralised or blunted, but would like to keep their good traits, for example joy in very focused interests, and therefore retain their autistic identity.

Your first sentence is only partially accurate. I've found in a differnt set of circumstances I can be ADVANTAGED by my Autism.

A simple example being the increased sound sensitivity caused me to hear faulty wirnig arcing very quietly in a house that my daughter was viewing... 

You second sentence is full of DESIRE which Bhudda (apparently) said is the cause of all human unhappness. In this case you desire a chaneg to you own basic nature akin to desiring to change your skin colour.

Now there is a man who famously did exactly that, (Michael Jackson) but I'm not sure it made him happy... 

Be careful what you wish for, is a piece of old wisdom that has served me well, when I've managed to remember it.

Ruth said:

I want to be normal. Is it okay to feel this way?

It is fine to feel this way - but have you thought it may be better to be genuinely you?

I don't want to push this too much since you have a strong preference to be something you are not, but the advantage to being genuine is it costs a heck of a lot less energy than to fake being "normal".

Ruth said:

I want a cure

I'm afraid there is no cure - your differences were "baked in" during your brains development at around the age of 5 and it is most definitely fixed in its current mode.

You can feel however you want to feel about the situation - this is your right but it changes nothing I'm afraid. Understanding and working with your differences is the way to feel better long term though.

Sorry for the bitter sweet answer but I find honesty the best policy.