Is it okay to feel this way?

Have you considered that a 'miraculously normalised' you, would not be you? Many autistic people would like their more distressing traits, for example heightened anxiety, neutralised or blunted, but would like to keep their good traits, for example joy in very focused interests, and therefore retain their autistic identity.

I suppose. I’m just due to start a new job next week. Full of anxiety and sure it’ll be obvious miles off that I’m not normal. I work in healthcare where there are lives on the line. I need to look capable and I can’t even make eye-contact.

I know that all the times in my past when I thought it was 'make or break', it was not and all the anxiety that I built about the event was misplaced. I know that in real crises I am relatively calm and effective, I once saved a man who had had an epileptic fit in the sea, I hauled him out and organised an ambulance to be called, it is the more minor things that work me up to an unbearable pitch of anxiety.

I know that all the times in my past when I thought it was 'make or break', it was not and all the anxiety that I built about the event was misplaced. I know that in real crises I am relatively calm and effective, I once saved a man who had had an epileptic fit in the sea, I hauled him out and organised an ambulance to be called, it is the more minor things that work me up to an unbearable pitch of anxiety.

That’s true Martin, thank you. And I really relate - I work in emergency healthcare so maybe I do need to focus on how being neurodiverse can be a strength. It’ll have probably helped you save that man’s life. I think for me it’s being able to think systematically in these moments. It’s kind of when it switches. Maybe all the experience of masking I suppose!