Is it okay to feel this way?

Ruth said:

I want to be normal. Is it okay to feel this way?

It is fine to feel this way - but have you thought it may be better to be genuinely you?

I don't want to push this too much since you have a strong preference to be something you are not, but the advantage to being genuine is it costs a heck of a lot less energy than to fake being "normal".

Ruth said:

I want a cure

I'm afraid there is no cure - your differences were "baked in" during your brains development at around the age of 5 and it is most definitely fixed in its current mode.

You can feel however you want to feel about the situation - this is your right but it changes nothing I'm afraid. Understanding and working with your differences is the way to feel better long term though.

Sorry for the bitter sweet answer but I find honesty the best policy.

I really want to conquer faking being normal. I don’t want the slightest bit of not appearing normal to shine through. It is exhausting but I work in nursing. I need to show that I’m capable and I start a new job next week.

I wonder why some people are neurodivergent and others are not. I’m quite late in realising it (21) but maybe because I’m female. I’ve had mental health problems all my life. I wish we knew more.

I really want to conquer faking being normal. I don’t want the slightest bit of not appearing normal to shine through. It is exhausting but I work in nursing. I need to show that I’m capable and I start a new job next week.

I wonder why some people are neurodivergent and others are not. I’m quite late in realising it (21) but maybe because I’m female. I’ve had mental health problems all my life. I wish we knew more.

Ruth said:

I want them to think I am capable

I would like to think that your capability will be evidenced by your capability. From my own experience I was always worried about being judged by my colleagues. But when I was in a job that I loved I applied myself to it and I don't think anyone really doubted me - apart from myself sometimes.

Ruth said:

was initially diagnosed with C-PTSD

Interesting. I basically self-diagnosed C-PTSD because of my experiences at school. This meant that one psychiatrist did not diagnose autism because I had a narrative which explained how I was in terms of trauma. My current therapist, who specialises in trauma, does not think that the trauma explains how I am. She believes that I was more vulnerable to bullying at school because of autism. So I've been referred for a proper assessment.

It amazes me all the time in these forums when I see my experiences being reflected back at me. I'm slowly starting to believe that I might actually be autistic.

Good luck!

Yeah I think starting this thread has helped me to realise this. I’d not be in my job role if it wasn’t for being different in the first place I guess. It has advantages and disadvantages, it’s just easy to focus on the latter.

Yeah true, I have had the Oliver McGowan training. And you’ve just reminded me that there might actually be a “staff network” group for this - we have ones for LGBT+ and BAME+ staff members etc. I thought of it when you mentioned allies. Thank you very much!

Ruth said:

I work in an emergency setting

This is actually an environment where your autism can be an advantage - you are most likely taking in a LOT if information on the patients when working with them - physical, behavioral and situational - which all help towards picking up when things are changing or helping point towards a clearer diagnosis.

I would recomment taking time to ease off the habit of filling in gaps in the conversation - you are likely to get better responses by learning to ask open ended questions to the patients (and colleagues) to get them to talk - you get a lot of info this way with less effort on your part.

For the stress I would suggest learning meditation if you can - with practice it allows you to de-stress fairly quickly which can be a real saver when you are in a long, tough day.

I get it with the family situation - I discussed it with my family and they pretty much shut me down over it as to them it still carries a stima of mental illness. I'm playing a long game of helping relatives who are diagnosed as autistic and explaining things in conversation to normalise their existance and make them seem less like an illness. Most of the problem relatives are over 60 so this is not unexpected.

c-PTSD is very common with autists too - some simply through an accumulation of small trumatic events over a very sustained period of time. If you can afford it I would recommend getting a therapist who has experience with working with autistic women.

Thank you Ian. It’s never affected patient care but I am a nervous person. I work in an emergency setting and do a lot of talking on the phone. I can struggle when people are talking to me as I take a lot literally, so communication is a barrier. I do that thing where I talk a lot to fill the gaps (talking too much) and I really struggle with eye-contact.  Basically I’m working in a nightmare setting for people like me lol, but I love my job. I wish to be like my colleagues and I want them to think I am capable.

Stress plays a huge part of it. I can mask so much better when I’m well-rested and feeling in control.

We don’t really talk about it (that seriously) but I see traits in my dad and possibly my grandad. I read a lot online about over-diagnosis and it’s hard not to invalidate myself. I found school really traumatic and was initially diagnosed with C-PTSD which people are starting to see through the lens of neurodiversity as it can apparently change brain structure and things. Idk though, it’s like what came first! I’ll have been vulnerable to trauma in the first place due to autism I imagine.

We do the Oliver McGowan training through work. It’s always really moving, but is the start of so much more that’s needed.

Good luck with the new job! I'm also late in realising that I may be autistic (male, early 60s). I've also had mental health problems for pretty much all my life. It's very hard to deal with and I wish you strength. Perhaps there will be some useful advice here.

One thing... NHS staff, by law, should be getting autism training (different levels of training depending on their role). I wonder if you have had that training, and whether your colleagues have. I know they are only human but perhaps they would understand some of your behaviour if they knew you were neurodivergent. Do you have a diagnosis? 

NHS staff need to know how to treat autistic people and maybe working with you could help them. I would personally be reluctant to come out with it on day one - I'm just not like that. I hope that in time you will find some allies.

Ruth said:

I wonder why some people are neurodivergent and others are not.

Even science has not fully answered this yet so you are in good company.

Research is pointing towards it being genetic in cause (ie neurodivergence runs in the bloodline) so it most likely came from at least one of your parents.

Ruth said:

I really want to conquer faking being normal.

I get this. I had a 32 year career in IT that required me to fit in, especially when working as a manger. The job had high levels of customer facing, a lot of which was when they were upset about something not working so I developed a wide range of masking and scripting techniques to cope.

These all take a lot of mental energy to maintain and while they are effective they take their toll. I would often be exhausted at the end of the day and every few years I would change jobs as I needed a break or a change in order to reset (burnout).

I was diagnosed a few years ago and tried to unmask a lot more at work and it made them quite suspicious - they doubted my claims of being autistic because I was so "normal" to them then they thought I was untrustworthy if I had been faking it the while time before.

It is hard to "come out" as autistic after being in a role for a while but you should find that disclosing to the HR department that you are a diagnosed autist will allow you to ask for something called "reasonable adjustments" which can lessen the stresses on you.

When lowering your mask I would suggest doing it in stages as a rapid change in behaviour causes concern - and doing it bit by bit gives you time to adjust and adapt to the new behaviour.

A great thing about your position is that you are in a position to be a positive advocate for autism in your line of work.

What are the challanges you find most pronounced with your autism at work?