Is it okay to feel this way?

Of course, I can't say what's OK for you. I've come to realise that it was very much NOT OK for me. In fact I could make the case that my mental health problems over the years were not fuelled by autism but by the pressure, largely internal, to conform to being normal. That's seems to be a driver of my depression even today, and I see the depression ease when I stop giving a stuff about other people and just accept that I am different and am OK. Obviously I can't go through life like that either, without causing problems, but it's important for me to have that safe place.

Of course it’s okay to feel like that. You’re the one with autism so you can feel however you want about it. There’s no right way to feel about it. I would like to say you’re perfect the way you are though. You are valuable the way you are. You’re not autism you are human. Autism doesn’t have to define you .

Hi Jess, I wanted to be "normal" years before I knew I was on the spectrum. Sometimes I still wish it. But if wishes were horses, my flat would be full of Shetland ponies. But the cuteness of the ponies would also come with major problems, like no space to move - and the smell!

So what I'm trying to explain is that although not being autistic can look "easier" sometimes, it's not all a bed of roses - everyone has problems. The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.

Be yourself. Don't please others, please yourself. Do what makes you happy and avoid what doesn't, as much as possible. That's all we can do.

I don't necessarily see my autism as being disabling. Instead, its a bunch of other conditions that really challenge me - all of which came to light after having my first covid-19 vaccine.

• Extreme Mental Fatigue
• FND
• Tinnitus
• Monocular Diplopia (double vision affecting each eye individually)

I was later life diagnosed ASD last year (I'm in my 50's) and I believe that it was the fatigue that massively impacted my ability to cope & mask. Looking back on my life, I can absolutely see autism throughout my life, but obviously wasn't aware of it being autism previously. I am NOT saying that the vaccine caused my autism.

I really would like a cure - not for my ASD, but for the symptoms caused by the vaccine.
Unfortunately there is little chance of that, especially as the medical professionals and pharmacy companies ignore us (the vaccine injured).

Don't get me wrong - I am NOT anti-vax, quite the opposite!
BUT, what does get me is the complete lack of interest or support for people like me who were doing what they were told was the right thing to do and that it was complete safe.

I'm 20 and have felt this way throughout most of my life. Now I feel slightly different, but that feeling never really goes away. I think of all the positive elements, my eccentric personality, inquisitive mind and a different perspective on life.

Even while thinking about all the positives, I still feel hindered. I feel that if I could magic away certain traits and keep others, I would be highly capable. 

I was interested in learning to drive, but realized how overwhelming it is. As a passenger I get intrusive thoughts about a disaster or crash occurring. I tried receiving lessons, but got an impatient and rude instructor. This didn't put me off it all together, there were stronger factors.

There are so many things to focus on that others can easily do. When to stop, what to constantly look out for, to be focused at all times is exhausting.  It can make me feel behind all my peers, which something I've felt throughout my childhood. Out of tune with everyone else. 

(This is in response to someone's post but I'm posting it fully to help others not feel alone if they feel like this).

I used to hope that I would wake up one day and be cured. I would wonder how good that would feel, being 'normal'. I also realise that autism, ADHD and other terms are simply words used to describe a set of characteristics and help categorise and understand people's differences. 

I know that these terms are used to perpetuate stereotypes, which are often demoralising and can impact our self-esteem. Films and TV shows showing a small part of the neurodivergent spectrum, making us feel even more invalidated, since we do not fit these pre-conceived ideas. Internally struggling, but no one seeing it can be tough. 

[A glimmer of hope]

For context, the friend I was with mentioned below is not diagnosed but I can sense something lol. He himself believes he has ADHD, but I think he's also autistic. I'm diagnosed autistic and believe I had ADHD too. 

I was out at a bar with a friend when two women approached us, initially asking me to take a photo of them. They then approached a second time, one of them asking if we were neurodivergent. I was shocked but also fascinated. I thought I blended in perfectly. Whenever I tell people I get the usual 'wow I would not have guessed'. I asked her how she could tell and she responded by saying that we looked 'very happy stood outside' (keep in mind the music inside was extremely loud). 

One of them had an autistic husband and suspected that she herself has ADHD, this then led to a great interaction about neurodivergence, rejection sensitive dysphoria, insecurities in men and women, and life in general. 

I wanted to share this for people to see that small changes are happening. I never would have expected someone in person to be so confident in approaching me with a very straight to the point question. The fact that I could have responded in a way that would embarrass her had she had been wrong highlights to me that she was certain I was also neurodivergent. This helped me to feel less invisible. It showed me that by putting myself out there and being open is more likely to generate positivity than completely hermitizing altogether. 

There is nothing about who I am that needs a cure. There are others out there who are like me. I am not less of a person because I struggle to interact with other people whose neurology is different to mine. If the majority of people were like us, then the so called 'neurotypicals' would need a diagnosis for not being able to understand autistic people. Workplaces are slowly but surely becoming more familiar with neurodiversity and making reasonable adjustments. 

While everyone is different and it's a spectrum, it's nice to feel validated by other people who are not neurotypical. 

Hi Jess,

Yes it is however have you not thought that you are a different type of normal and offer special things to the world non autistic people cannot bring.

I in fact like being autistic as it defines me I dislike what certain people think.What would a cure be think of what you like about yourself and that people that matter think.my best friend loves the fact I am unfiltered and we can have these ridiculous conversations where we decide what we would do if we were in charge of the country

Yes - I agree. I’ve battled anxiety my whole life and it’s been incredibly hard, I’ve contemplated suicide many times. I’d never minimise how hard being autistic can make life. But we have a lot to offer and I strongly belief that life is worth living and life is truly precious- and it’s worth persevering because we can be happy and we can enjoy life - we just need to make what adjustments we can to make that possible. 

That is such an inspiring story Rach - thank you for sharing it. I’m so happy you’ve turned things around and are much happier now :) 

Your thoughts and feelings are completely valid and you don’t need to feel guilty or bad in any way for having them. When something is making your life more difficult in some way (and in my experience being autistic makes many aspects of live more difficult) it’s natural to sometimes want to ‘wish it away’. However we cannot get rid of ‘our autism’ - it’s an intrinsic part of us. Wishing away our autistic nature is wishing away ourselves. It’s not kind to ourselves to want to obliterate an intrinsic aspect of ourselves - it would be like a kind of ‘amputation’ - and that would be pretty brutal! 
In my own experience a more helpful approach has been to be accepting of myself and my difficulties - to be more forgiving of myself when I’m struggling, and to do my best to focus of the positive aspects of my character - many of which are definitely related to my autism (for example my honesty, by concentration and knowledge of certain subjects etc etc). 
I think most of us who are autistic know that there are disadvantages but also definitely advantages. We won’t help ourselves or those around us by focussing on the negatives and just wishing them away. A better approach is to be creative and find ways to make the disadvantages more manageable, and work on our life skills to make life a bit easier. 
I think we can enjoy life more when we can accept that life is a mixture of positives and negatives (for everyone - not just autistic people) and if we just constantly battle everything we only end up worn out and feeling hopeless. Accepting being autistic - and hopefully embracing it - leads to a more peaceful and happier life. 

Good luck.

I felt that way constantly as a younger man.  It's perfectly normal to feel such a way.  But you realise that no cure is coming. Learn to love and accept yourself and value yourself.  It's not easy to value yourself and it's  a life long struggle.

A lovely story of the kind that I love reading here 

I used to feel like you but I’ve changed. I was diagnosed when I was 21 and once I got my diagnosis everything made sense in life why I felt different and so on. I spent most of my life being told I had moderate learning difficulties but I really started to question that as I have always been intelligent. But I was held back in school in STF units not being pushed enough and so on. Got diagnosed with depression when I was 19 because I had enough of my life. When I got diagnosed I felt relieved but then I got very angry especially towards my parents and gave them a load of abuse. The specialists warned then about that and yeah I’m not proud of that but luckily help was offered. I went through a phase of wanting to be normal I felt cursed and I hated being on the spectrum. I couldn’t keep a stable job or anything. After an amount of time I found work with the nhs who look after their staff and really saw potential in me. I met other people like me including a friend of mine diagnosed in their 40s spent time inside not a bad person just messed up like I was until diagnosed. Then after a while I took the plunge went back to college got some qualifications and then university never got my full degree but I’ve got a level 5 in health and care of children and young people and I have got a job with a teaching agency to work as a teaching assistant in primary schools. I am also learning to be a fire performer and a very close friend of mine Rikki who is also on the spectrum is also helping me see my potential. I am in my 30s now have my own house and a dog and I’m proud of who I am and what I have achieved in life. After my rant and in answer to your question I’m happy to be me. 

Ruth said:

I want them to think I am capable

I would like to think that your capability will be evidenced by your capability. From my own experience I was always worried about being judged by my colleagues. But when I was in a job that I loved I applied myself to it and I don't think anyone really doubted me - apart from myself sometimes.

Ruth said:

was initially diagnosed with C-PTSD

Interesting. I basically self-diagnosed C-PTSD because of my experiences at school. This meant that one psychiatrist did not diagnose autism because I had a narrative which explained how I was in terms of trauma. My current therapist, who specialises in trauma, does not think that the trauma explains how I am. She believes that I was more vulnerable to bullying at school because of autism. So I've been referred for a proper assessment.

It amazes me all the time in these forums when I see my experiences being reflected back at me. I'm slowly starting to believe that I might actually be autistic.

Good luck!

Yeah I think starting this thread has helped me to realise this. I’d not be in my job role if it wasn’t for being different in the first place I guess. It has advantages and disadvantages, it’s just easy to focus on the latter.

Yeah true, I have had the Oliver McGowan training. And you’ve just reminded me that there might actually be a “staff network” group for this - we have ones for LGBT+ and BAME+ staff members etc. I thought of it when you mentioned allies. Thank you very much!

Ruth said:

I work in an emergency setting

This is actually an environment where your autism can be an advantage - you are most likely taking in a LOT if information on the patients when working with them - physical, behavioral and situational - which all help towards picking up when things are changing or helping point towards a clearer diagnosis.

I would recomment taking time to ease off the habit of filling in gaps in the conversation - you are likely to get better responses by learning to ask open ended questions to the patients (and colleagues) to get them to talk - you get a lot of info this way with less effort on your part.

For the stress I would suggest learning meditation if you can - with practice it allows you to de-stress fairly quickly which can be a real saver when you are in a long, tough day.

I get it with the family situation - I discussed it with my family and they pretty much shut me down over it as to them it still carries a stima of mental illness. I'm playing a long game of helping relatives who are diagnosed as autistic and explaining things in conversation to normalise their existance and make them seem less like an illness. Most of the problem relatives are over 60 so this is not unexpected.

c-PTSD is very common with autists too - some simply through an accumulation of small trumatic events over a very sustained period of time. If you can afford it I would recommend getting a therapist who has experience with working with autistic women.

That’s true Martin, thank you. And I really relate - I work in emergency healthcare so maybe I do need to focus on how being neurodiverse can be a strength. It’ll have probably helped you save that man’s life. I think for me it’s being able to think systematically in these moments. It’s kind of when it switches. Maybe all the experience of masking I suppose!

Have you tried the 'cheating' methods of making eye contact? Looking in someone's general direction, looking above their head, at their ear, at their shoulder...

Everyone is scared to some extent when they start a new job, all that change, new location, new people, new routines, new social groups to form.

Whether to disclose or not - that is a big decision. Only you will know how they might feel a couple of years down the line 'discovering' or 'noticing' your differences. To some it might seem lacking self-awareness (NT thinking), to others it might appear lacking in trust (NT - of course it takes time to build up trust!), etc. etc.

Good luck in your new job, and stick to the thought that you must be great as you were selected for the post above the other candidates!

Thank you Ian. It’s never affected patient care but I am a nervous person. I work in an emergency setting and do a lot of talking on the phone. I can struggle when people are talking to me as I take a lot literally, so communication is a barrier. I do that thing where I talk a lot to fill the gaps (talking too much) and I really struggle with eye-contact.  Basically I’m working in a nightmare setting for people like me lol, but I love my job. I wish to be like my colleagues and I want them to think I am capable.

Stress plays a huge part of it. I can mask so much better when I’m well-rested and feeling in control.

We don’t really talk about it (that seriously) but I see traits in my dad and possibly my grandad. I read a lot online about over-diagnosis and it’s hard not to invalidate myself. I found school really traumatic and was initially diagnosed with C-PTSD which people are starting to see through the lens of neurodiversity as it can apparently change brain structure and things. Idk though, it’s like what came first! I’ll have been vulnerable to trauma in the first place due to autism I imagine.

We do the Oliver McGowan training through work. It’s always really moving, but is the start of so much more that’s needed.