Am I autistic, gay or lost?

Hi Rainbow,

So for you the 'gay' part is sorted.  I'd reframe the "lost' part to "contemplating."  You're going through a self reflective phase which I think is a great thing to do and very brave as so many people go through the motions of life never really trying to get to know themselves or reflecting on life.

I've always questioned things in my mind to try to have a deeper understanding which has mostly been labelled as "overthinking."  I see that more as others feeling uncomfortable with my struggle and trying to stop it.  Analysing stuff and researching it gives a broader knowledge in my opinion and therefore more power.

Just as your coming out journey didn't provide you with the missing piece, will an Autism diagnosis help with that?  Only you will know by going through the assessment process and finding out at the end. 

I'm currently going through a "questioning" myself period too.  I've come to the conclusion that I've always been more attracted to women in a romantic way but due to the pressure of society, only even been in relationships with men which I've always ended because it felt robotic and fake to me which is horrible to admit.  The only man I loved and felt comfortable with was more feminine so I felt happy with him.  The rest of the time I've been denying my attraction to females and feel it's too late for me now because I feel the LGBTQIA+ community is too political as is being vegan.  I feel I don't fit anywhere which is a tough and awful feeling.  I'm vegan but don't like the activism, I like women but I don't like the political feel of the community, I feel different but not enough for the psychiatrist to diagnose Autism and I generally feel overall that people don't like me despite me liking other people.

I feel similar to yourself in that I like to research a subject to death in order for it to feel "right".  I tried to work in optics and wanted to learn everything so I could answer customers questions but the management said I didn't need to know that level of detail.  I could not understand why they had that attitude when customers were asking me questions about the things I asked to learn about.  There are more job examples where I needed to know more but the training wasn't given.  It's at the stage where I am unable to work because of a pile of awful experiences where even thinking about work causes me to want to cry.

This post was meant to be supportive of you but has turned into a rant about me.

I hope that you realise you are doing just fine as you are with a good relationship and close people.  That's what many people on here strive for.  You sound like you are dealing with everything well and that you have a great knowledge of yourself.  

Take care. :-)

Caelus said:

just imagine a big burly ugly bloke getting it on with you... if thats cringe or horrid then your not gay

Caelus, I'm not so sure that the way you have expressed this has helped to get your point across. The way it comes across (to me) is that if a gay man found that notion repulsive, then he cannot possibly be gay.

As a straight woman, I would probably consider that notion off-putting too. Does that mean I'm a lesbian, or asexual? No, it just means I don't find the image I've conjured up of that particular man physically attractive.

Thank you this is helpful! I think the problem is they see autism in a set way and because I don’t fit the way they see it, they don’t see me as autistic. And the other part is I feel I mask a LOT. 

I am definitely gay, I just thought coming out would have given me the clarity about who I am however I still feel there is more about me to explore. 

Thank you I’ve taken lots of tests and most score as autistic, some are on the lower scale though. But yes you are right it is a broad spectrum.

Rainbow said:

I spent a lot of my life struggling with my sexuality and thought coming out as gay would give me the answers I needed as to why I always felt different.

Where autism is concerned I'd recommend doing the RAADS test.

This formed part of my diagnosis:

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/adults-on-the-autistic-spectrum/28699/raads-r-diagnostic-scale/297934#297934

All the best.

Just to clarify on this one I’m a woman and definately gay I’ve been in a relationship with a woman for 5 years! Should have been clearer  what I meant was I thought I “didn’t know who I was” was because I was gay, but since coming out I still feel lost

I think exploring autism and making tests is interesting journey. The view of autism in the society generally is so incorrect, that it’s really hard to get a validation from family members or friends. They can even tell you, you can’t be autistic because there is nothing wrong with you, but after an hour they notice you being “weird” and then nothing will stop them from asking the question (question of my life) “what’s wrong with you?!”. 

Wow, the words of your therapist! Really helpful!

I'd actually ignore what other's say about whether you might be autistic or not, some might say no you're not because they think that you need reassurance, others because they're embarassed about things like autism and know little about it. I'd do some of the online tests to give you more of an idea about where you sit on the spectrum if you do at all. Lot's of autistic people like being around others, don't forget that we all have things that make us doubt our autistic traits, for me it's my crapness with tech, apparently all autistic people are brilliant with tech. I was told I couldn't be dyslexic because I'm crap at maths and all dyslexics are good at maths. I love to cook which apparently I shouldn't, don't let you life be narrowed down into a series of boxes defined by others and not yourself.

It's OK to not be sure who you fancy, or if you fancy anyone at all. Everything sounds so up in the air for you at the momment so maybe its something you don't need a definative answer too, if you need to define yourself to yourself, then maybe sexually curious would be the thing to go for.

I'm not totally convinced. If I imagine a small skinny ugly woman getting it on with me, I'm not getting the flutters either but I'm totally straight. Maybe expand those parameters in the imagined partners a bit...

Very glad this makes sense to you aswell

Totally makes sense. I wrote something a bit similar to this in one my many emails to my assessors.

bro it should be easy to know if your gay or not.

just imagine a big burly ugly bloke getting it on with you... if thats cringe or horrid then your not gay.... also if women dont do it for you either, then yeah your asexual.

alot of autistic people are infact asexual... not gay, not trans... just lacking of any desire for sexual relations with any other person. 

like a magnet, but you have no attraction side and repel everything. it will probably be awkward and cringe and wrong feeling of you to try it on with anyone then youd know. you might not want anyone that close, you might just wanna be by yourself. but yet still get sexual urges for no reason as thats biology. but yet if you relieve that your mind goes back to normal and you know you dont really want anyone that close anyway.

Thank you for your reply, it is very comforting for me! And probably very true that there are not many people who feel they are autistic and aren’t. 

Interesting about the nostalgia too - I feel intense emotion when thinking of happy times/places/past experiences, past smells, music etc. As I feel so intensely about this I sometimes struggle with the present when I’m having a happy experience such as a holiday, as I am more concerned about how much I’m going to miss this moment - hope this makes sense! 

All three, I reckon It is a crap time when you feel you have to justify why you feel autistic. Before I was actually diagnosed, my therapist at the time actually said something very helpful despite not diagnosing me herself (after many sessions I put the idea to her, and she said "I don't think there are many people who feel they are autistic who are not.". We all have different traits - I did the staring thing well into my teens and still have to force myself not to do it and I'm in my 50s now I've always been super nostalgic - even in my 20s. It is nice to hear this because I have not heard this before. I've just picked these two, but a lot of the others resonate too. I've loads of non-autistic traits too. This is a cliche almost, but it really is a spectrum. We all have different traits and strengths of those traits. I hope that you are able to get tested. Finally - don't go by what others say. A good friend literally said that my diagnosis was a total surprise.