Husband Recently Diagnosed

First I do apologies that this is a question to you rather then advise to assist you with your situation with your beautiful family. I am writing to ask you - as I recently put up a post for assistance and advice, and copped a lot more flack and negativity rather then assistance and one of the comments was "even if he is that good at masking" as if to say the things that have occurred mean he is not neurodiverse - however from reading your post i take from that that your husband has been a long term very capable masker in this case? I was just curious (if you had the time, as it sounds like you already have a lot on your plate - I understand if don't have the time) if you may be able to read my post and if time comments, I know there might be too much BUT what I wonder is how highly developed your husbands masking skills have been because I'm guessing if you're married and have children, and he is only just recently diagnosed that they're/were as highly developed as this wonderful man that I met and that it is a possibility and i'm not crazy!  

You may find the NAS information on Family relationships useful, specifically the section for partners: www.autism.org.uk/.../partners

Autistic people often need time to process. So someone might ask "are you ok" we may say "yes" knowing we are not but a reply is expected. The honest answer could often be "I don't know, I'll get back to you". 

Quite often any social "filters" stop working when we become overloaded. 

A quiet place is immensely helpful (vital) where time can be taken out to decompress without any expectation from anyone. 

Good morning,

As you say, balancing these current circumstances and family life is tough. Eternal plate-spinning causes a terrible emotional drain. I hope you are also being kind to yourself. 

Although diagnostic criteria exist, no person on the spectrum is a carbon copy of another. With the withdrawal of Asperger's Syndrome, the waters are further muddied along the higher/lower functioning lines. So, as I said before, it's an exercise in futility. You have nobly set out on a mission to put a square peg in a round hole, yet the peg doesn't exist - does that make sense? The solution is what works for you as a family.

As to my point about you being his wife and not his carer, it wasn't a comment with any malice but rather a call to action. Most autistic people would give their right arm to have somebody as interested and dedicated as you. But what happens once you have fixed it all? What does your husband's life look like then? Only he has access to his mind and knows what works for him. If he struggles to express himself and put his actual position across, how will you, he, all of you move forward?

This won't be a popular opinion, but he has been given a diagnosis, not the whole family. He needs to be on here, if not on his own, the two of you together. It is, after all, the forum's purpose. Maybe that would take some of the pressure off you? As for how it affects your children, if he doesn't know an appropriate response, I suggest you have more significant problems.

Without being too cliche -  you dragged the horse to the water and all that.

Thank you for this. 

I have spoken to him about this and have suggested that he needs to figure out the best way for him to deal with things/communicate. I guess this would be through trial and error for him to figure it out.

I will have a look at the book you have read. 

Thank you

Thank you for your advice. 

As you have pointed out my husband hasn't masked for the whole 12 years. I was aware there was something different (not sure if that's the correct wording - sorry if its not) with him but it has become more obvious since having children and covid. 

I believe you're right with the diagnosis part. I was hoping it would give closure or would be given some support/guidance. Again as you have said this is minimal especially him being diagnosed as an adult.

We are learning together and I am trying my best to understand and help him without it over impacting my children also. Our youngest is 4 she does not understand. 

I take onboard what you are saying that I am his wife not his carer. This is a big learning curve for me and I am finding it difficult to find the right balance of when to step in and support or not. Hence why I have asked for some guidance on here. 

Thank you for the advice. I will definitely look into getting those books and having a read. 

Could you talk to him about the difference between honesty and kindness? This is sometimes hard to understand, particularly if the other person's emotions can't be 'read' or predicted (leading to his comment about your daughter's feelings).

I process a lot internally - journalling, writing things out on the computer and then deleting them, having conversations in my head - so communication takes me a while sometimes. I have learned that most adults don't like my honesty so if someone asks me for 'feedback' I ask what kind of level of feedback they want. No point me going to the Nth degree reviewing a document to my level of detail, if they just want a yes/no approval!

Can you support him to do more internal work? Or to speak to a counsellor/therapist who could help him identify his own emotions or energy levels, so that he can start to help himself? Or get him to read some books on the conditions you could borrow from the library? I found reading the 'lived experience' of others with autism really helpful for this when I was diagnosed a few months ago.

NAS94442 said:

I feel abit stuck on the best way to help or what to do. 

The following book has some good advice for someone in your situation:

Loving someone with Asperger's syndrome_ understanding & connecting with your partner - Ariel, Cindy N (2012)
ISBN 9781608820771

Your husband sounds like he needs to develop better stess management techniques - the following should help:

Asperger Syndrome and Anxiety - A Guide to Successful Stress Management - Nick Dubin (2009)
ISBN 9781843108955

NAS94442 said:

He gets defensive and will say it's not his fault she's upset.

There us a difference between not knowing he is upsetting it and then being an a-hole and effectively blaming her for being upset.

He needs to learn to take responsibility, apologise and work on improving his interactions. He will know he is getting worked up and needs to develop techniques to stop it impacting others. It isn't easy but the Anxiety book I referred to above offers a lot of techniques for doing this.

You could also point him to this forum as a good place to ask for advice (confidentially of course) and to share in others experiences. It may hit home better than those closest to him as he probably feels a lot of guilt for it which only makes it worse.

Love requires duty, and responsibility, as does parenting. So saying a thing at the expense of another’s ability to trust you isn’t always helpful. There are many ways to convey a message, one just has to do a little extra hard work to express like the philosopher- many, starting with Kant, who I would wager were also Autistic. 

There is a difference between being selfish, or even reckless with our words and being autistic. Words are a challenge for us to start and that’s important to recognise. it’s hard for us to understand their impact beyond utility of the encyclopaedia. Learning there’s more to a context like my role and responsibility and therefore the authority and impact and weight of my words on those I’m responsible for, needs to be taught. I learned it like this: Truth out of context is a Lie. And the context here is that on a deeper level I love this person and don’t want to cause harm. So I do have to practice a little discipline and learn to say things in a way that isn’t harmful. 

Integrating one’s intent with words and action isn’t just a noble pursuit, but useful to Autistics and something many of us might want to do, if nothing more than experiencing far too much miscommunication and misrepresentation most of our life. 

You seem to be tuned into his limits quite well. One thing to start looking into is difficulty with interoception and possibly Alexithymia. 

Hi,

Thanks for your message; getting an additional perspective is always nice. I am happy to give my opinion, though I am unsure how much it will help.

First off, it seems as though you and your husband have fallen into the diagnosis trap, which catches out the majority (it certainly did me - I wasn't diagnosed until I was 42) where you believe there is a certain finality post-diagnosis. When in reality, it's just the beginning, the learning curve is steep, and resources are minimal.

Second, from your explanation, I suppose a particular element could be likened to sympathetic pregnancy (apologies if it isn't a great example). Your husband has received a diagnosis (it is pretty cool once you get to grips with it; trust me, it took a long time for me to be converted). You haven't received a diagnosis, which Im aware of. So why are you doing anything at all? Unless you have a time machine or are particularly adept at neurosurgery - your efforts are futile.

Thirdly, Autism is a neurodevelopmental condition which your husband was born with. There isn't a neurodiverse person on the planet that could mask for twelve weeks, let alone twelve years; honestly, twelve hours would be touch-and-go. My initial thoughts are that it is the diagnosis which has turned your world upside down - not your husband's rapid change in behaviour. You suggested that things were more pronounced during COVID-19; I think most people felt that way.

A process of elimination would suggest that if this has all started since the diagnosis, the diagnosis is the issue. Don't talk about it. The rest is learning and adaption, for him, not you, not your daughter. But I cannot stress the point enough that it is biologically impossible to become Autistic overnight; you are born with it, or you don't have it, and since I assume that neither you nor your daughter has received a diagnosis, it is not your fight to have. 

I hope that helps.....

Additional: you said, "he won't take himself out of the situation." I would suggest that reinforces my point that it is a battle he must wage personally. - You're his wife, not his carer. Again, I assume that you weren't his carer prediagnosis.