Husband Recently Diagnosed

Hi,

Thanks for your message; getting an additional perspective is always nice. I am happy to give my opinion, though I am unsure how much it will help.

First off, it seems as though you and your husband have fallen into the diagnosis trap, which catches out the majority (it certainly did me - I wasn't diagnosed until I was 42) where you believe there is a certain finality post-diagnosis. When in reality, it's just the beginning, the learning curve is steep, and resources are minimal.

Second, from your explanation, I suppose a particular element could be likened to sympathetic pregnancy (apologies if it isn't a great example). Your husband has received a diagnosis (it is pretty cool once you get to grips with it; trust me, it took a long time for me to be converted). You haven't received a diagnosis, which Im aware of. So why are you doing anything at all? Unless you have a time machine or are particularly adept at neurosurgery - your efforts are futile.

Thirdly, Autism is a neurodevelopmental condition which your husband was born with. There isn't a neurodiverse person on the planet that could mask for twelve weeks, let alone twelve years; honestly, twelve hours would be touch-and-go. My initial thoughts are that it is the diagnosis which has turned your world upside down - not your husband's rapid change in behaviour. You suggested that things were more pronounced during COVID-19; I think most people felt that way.

A process of elimination would suggest that if this has all started since the diagnosis, the diagnosis is the issue. Don't talk about it. The rest is learning and adaption, for him, not you, not your daughter. But I cannot stress the point enough that it is biologically impossible to become Autistic overnight; you are born with it, or you don't have it, and since I assume that neither you nor your daughter has received a diagnosis, it is not your fight to have. 

I hope that helps.....

Additional: you said, "he won't take himself out of the situation." I would suggest that reinforces my point that it is a battle he must wage personally. - You're his wife, not his carer. Again, I assume that you weren't his carer prediagnosis. 

Thank you for your advice. 

As you have pointed out my husband hasn't masked for the whole 12 years. I was aware there was something different (not sure if that's the correct wording - sorry if its not) with him but it has become more obvious since having children and covid. 

I believe you're right with the diagnosis part. I was hoping it would give closure or would be given some support/guidance. Again as you have said this is minimal especially him being diagnosed as an adult.

We are learning together and I am trying my best to understand and help him without it over impacting my children also. Our youngest is 4 she does not understand. 

I take onboard what you are saying that I am his wife not his carer. This is a big learning curve for me and I am finding it difficult to find the right balance of when to step in and support or not. Hence why I have asked for some guidance on here. 

Thank you for your advice. 

As you have pointed out my husband hasn't masked for the whole 12 years. I was aware there was something different (not sure if that's the correct wording - sorry if its not) with him but it has become more obvious since having children and covid. 

I believe you're right with the diagnosis part. I was hoping it would give closure or would be given some support/guidance. Again as you have said this is minimal especially him being diagnosed as an adult.

We are learning together and I am trying my best to understand and help him without it over impacting my children also. Our youngest is 4 she does not understand. 

I take onboard what you are saying that I am his wife not his carer. This is a big learning curve for me and I am finding it difficult to find the right balance of when to step in and support or not. Hence why I have asked for some guidance on here. 

Good morning,

As you say, balancing these current circumstances and family life is tough. Eternal plate-spinning causes a terrible emotional drain. I hope you are also being kind to yourself. 

Although diagnostic criteria exist, no person on the spectrum is a carbon copy of another. With the withdrawal of Asperger's Syndrome, the waters are further muddied along the higher/lower functioning lines. So, as I said before, it's an exercise in futility. You have nobly set out on a mission to put a square peg in a round hole, yet the peg doesn't exist - does that make sense? The solution is what works for you as a family.

As to my point about you being his wife and not his carer, it wasn't a comment with any malice but rather a call to action. Most autistic people would give their right arm to have somebody as interested and dedicated as you. But what happens once you have fixed it all? What does your husband's life look like then? Only he has access to his mind and knows what works for him. If he struggles to express himself and put his actual position across, how will you, he, all of you move forward?

This won't be a popular opinion, but he has been given a diagnosis, not the whole family. He needs to be on here, if not on his own, the two of you together. It is, after all, the forum's purpose. Maybe that would take some of the pressure off you? As for how it affects your children, if he doesn't know an appropriate response, I suggest you have more significant problems.

Without being too cliche -  you dragged the horse to the water and all that.