Published on 12, July, 2020
My husband has recently been diagnosed with ASD.
I'm looking for some help & guidance on how to look for triggers, how to respond to his behaviour.
I feel asthough I am always on egg shells as I'm unsure of the right thing to say or do, or how to say or do it.
My husband has masked pretty much for all of our relationship (12 years). It's become more apparent since having children and covid. This is what urged us to get a diagnosis.
From this my husband has become more open about his autism and un-masking. Which is great he feels he's in a safe space to do so, however I feel that I have not been giving any tools/advice/info on how to deal or help with certain situations.
For example he may say something offensive that would upset my daughter, who is 7. I try to explain that what he has said has upset her and for him to apologise to her for upsetting her. He gets defensive and will say it's not his fault she's upset.
If he is overwhelmed after work or in certain situations. I will ask that he takes himself away from the situation to try and sort himself out but again he won't do this and gets more worked up.
I feel abit stuck on the best way to help or what to do.
It's new for us both me especially and I'm trying to learn.
I'd really appreciate some help please.
NAS94442 said:I feel abit stuck on the best way to help or what to do.
The following book has some good advice for someone in your situation:
Loving someone with Asperger's syndrome_ understanding & connecting with your partner - Ariel, Cindy N (2012)ISBN 9781608820771
Your husband sounds like he needs to develop better stess management techniques - the following should help:
Asperger Syndrome and Anxiety - A Guide to Successful Stress Management - Nick Dubin (2009)ISBN 9781843108955
NAS94442 said:He gets defensive and will say it's not his fault she's upset.
There us a difference between not knowing he is upsetting it and then being an a-hole and effectively blaming her for being upset.
He needs to learn to take responsibility, apologise and work on improving his interactions. He will know he is getting worked up and needs to develop techniques to stop it impacting others. It isn't easy but the Anxiety book I referred to above offers a lot of techniques for doing this.
You could also point him to this forum as a good place to ask for advice (confidentially of course) and to share in others experiences. It may hit home better than those closest to him as he probably feels a lot of guilt for it which only makes it worse.
Thank you for the advice. I will definitely look into getting those books and having a read.