Published on 12, July, 2020
My husband has recently been diagnosed with ASD.
I'm looking for some help & guidance on how to look for triggers, how to respond to his behaviour.
I feel asthough I am always on egg shells as I'm unsure of the right thing to say or do, or how to say or do it.
My husband has masked pretty much for all of our relationship (12 years). It's become more apparent since having children and covid. This is what urged us to get a diagnosis.
From this my husband has become more open about his autism and un-masking. Which is great he feels he's in a safe space to do so, however I feel that I have not been giving any tools/advice/info on how to deal or help with certain situations.
For example he may say something offensive that would upset my daughter, who is 7. I try to explain that what he has said has upset her and for him to apologise to her for upsetting her. He gets defensive and will say it's not his fault she's upset.
If he is overwhelmed after work or in certain situations. I will ask that he takes himself away from the situation to try and sort himself out but again he won't do this and gets more worked up.
I feel abit stuck on the best way to help or what to do.
It's new for us both me especially and I'm trying to learn.
I'd really appreciate some help please.
Could you talk to him about the difference between honesty and kindness? This is sometimes hard to understand, particularly if the other person's emotions can't be 'read' or predicted (leading to his comment about your daughter's feelings).
I process a lot internally - journalling, writing things out on the computer and then deleting them, having conversations in my head - so communication takes me a while sometimes. I have learned that most adults don't like my honesty so if someone asks me for 'feedback' I ask what kind of level of feedback they want. No point me going to the Nth degree reviewing a document to my level of detail, if they just want a yes/no approval!
Can you support him to do more internal work? Or to speak to a counsellor/therapist who could help him identify his own emotions or energy levels, so that he can start to help himself? Or get him to read some books on the conditions you could borrow from the library? I found reading the 'lived experience' of others with autism really helpful for this when I was diagnosed a few months ago.
Thank you for this.
I have spoken to him about this and have suggested that he needs to figure out the best way for him to deal with things/communicate. I guess this would be through trial and error for him to figure it out.
I will have a look at the book you have read.
Thank you
Autistic people often need time to process. So someone might ask "are you ok" we may say "yes" knowing we are not but a reply is expected. The honest answer could often be "I don't know, I'll get back to you".
Quite often any social "filters" stop working when we become overloaded.
A quiet place is immensely helpful (vital) where time can be taken out to decompress without any expectation from anyone.