Losing faith in talking therapy

Sounds interesting.  It's probably not done professionally anymore though.

I've always found it humbling to be trusted enough for people to bare their souls to me, it's an honour and shouldn't be taken for granted.

I have the next appointment next week, so I will take all of this into consideration and discuss how my counsellor and I can get the most out of the sessions.

Speaking as a former cousellor, I think you're being unfair, we don't have a playbook as you call it, but we do learn a particular type of therapy and they're no all the same, maybe you should research different theraputic methods and find a therapist who pratices the one you feel most suitable to you. In your first session interview your therapist, you have to feel comfortable with them. Dont' expect to feel comfortable telling someone your whole story straight away, in my experience it takes at least 6 weeks before client feel able to start trusting.

As a client, I understand the frustration with having to tell your story over and over again and it often feels retraumatising, espically if it's stuff you already mostly dealt with. To be honest I don't think this is nessercarily an autism problem, but an experienced client problem where the therapist feels they have to start at the begining and go over old ground. I've had better success when I've told the therapist about my previous therapy and say that this is what I feel I need to work on now, but I will go back to previous stuff if it becomes relevant. If you do find overlaps and have to revisit old stuff then it will be in a different context.

Obviously a therapist is paid to be non judgemental and empathetic, but it dosen't mean its not real, those skills extend into every part of your life for ever, even now some 25 years later, I find myself afronted by the snap judgements of others and their lack of fellow feeling and empathy and the journey towards being non judgemental and empathetic continues and will continue I suspect until I die. The sort of people who go into counselling and therapy as a career are those who genuinely want to help others, they will have had their own therapy as part of their training. But these are also human beings and they won't get it right for everybody all of the time. I would caveat this with asking where and how they trained? One of the things I noticed was those who come via nursing or social work are often more confined in their thinking than those who come to it from other routes. As a counsellor I had many disagreement with medical and social work staff about what we do, why giving advice is different to counselling, confidentiality means just that and it's confidential from them too, as a counsellor I don't make diagnosis, I'm not qualified to do so, I'm trained to recognise certain traits and may have to refer a client on to someone more qualified, for both my safety and theirs.

Let us show mercy for those who wish to help and are not given what they need to do so. these therapists do want to help and are given a playbook which both misinforms them and hobbles them if they try to supersede it. This is the first conversation to have with a any therapist: what is the playbook and how do they feel about it?

I gave up the talkers and began Reichian therapy which opened a whole new world to me and got me in touch with my body and showed me how to read it's signs and warnings. This was in the early 80s and I have no idea if it is still available.

I'll meet them first and discuss my doubts before deciding if it is worth carrying on.

I looked for a counsellor online for an hour to read some profiles to understand the kind of information the counsellors publicise about themselves. I then made a shortlist of criteria that I had to find (someone creative rather than CBT based, for example). I searched on 3 websites, throughout the UK for someone to meet online. I emailed five, asking them a couple of questions, telling them a little about what I was looking for, 3 emailed back and I picked the one with the best reply. She was great, we got on well, and since she retired I'll have to start again looking later in the year.

You are paying for the person to listen to you and help you work through it. If they think in quite a different way from you, this can be bonus or hindrance. Sometimes it's good to get a diverse perspective on our thoughts. Other times we need someone to understand. Don't settle for what you've got, there are better out there, better matches for you. They won't care as they are not your family or friend, but have a professional responsibility like a doctor or nurse. Most will offer to have a short chat with you before you make the first session, just to see if you get on OK. This is invaluable. It's important to be honest and open during the sessions - otherwise you don't get the maximum benefit of what you are paying for. And you want to be open about your aims in the initial chat, too, but not go into too much detail.

I have gone through talking therapy in the past and reflected on whether it was beneficial at all.  In the short term it was good to have someone listen to me and feel better about myself for a while but then I had to quit when I felt it wasn't going anywhere. 

It's the therapist, not you. If it's not going anywhere, they're not doing their job. It should be going where you want it to. They should ask where you want it to go as the first question. If they didn't drop them.

Any therapist won't do. It only works if you find one you have rapport with. Given that shopping for a therapist sucks, I found success passing the problem to my general practitioner: "I need a therapist with specialisation in Autism. Please find me one." Then I just sat their and waited. After an unconfortable (I guess, for him) he asked "You mean now?". "Yes, of course. I can will wait, no problem".

At first he gave a short-list of domain websites. I explained that finding one on the web isn't easy for me, as I have Autism. I need his help to please call them. 

Paper said:

They do not have the capacity to understand what I go through. We have lead such different lives with different experiences, it would be like a duck trying to relate to a badger.

A qualified therapist will have been trained to do this - they don't need to have been in your shoes to understand what it is like.

My friend is doing her psychotheapy degree (final year now) and they get lots of practice of "therapising" other therapists with more experience and need to continue to do this to keep their qualifications active.

They have whole sections of the course dedicated to being able to relate to clients without going through their traumas so finding a therapist with a degree in psychotherapy is a good way to find one who can do this with you.

I think the capacty concern is a red herring.

For a while I thought I knew better as they did not go through the same as me, but with experience it proved me wrong. Could it be you just don't have the trust in them to open up fully?

I think you are right. Personally I know I could never trust anyone, let alone a therapist, which is why I don't bother.

They do not have the capacity to understand what I go through. We have lead such different lives with different experiences, it would be like a duck trying to relate to a badger.

When I did have CBT I found he kept telling me "you think X" or "you feel Y" but I didn't. It was very annoying to have everything framed in a neurotypical way and reinterpreted through a completely different mindset to what I actually think. Like trying to put a square peg in a round hole, the advice did not work.

I also can't tell if they're being sincere or just pretending to be sympathetic because they're paid to.

The cold truth is that they are being paid for a service so expecting them to care in the way maybe a loved on would is unreasonable.

It is a bit like when you take your car to the garage to get something fixed - the mechanic will diagnose the issue, maybe do a repair and advice you to avoid driving into trees again as it causes dents in the bumper.

He doesn't care about the car but does everything needed to get it on the road again with hopefully a driver that can follow instructions.

What it comes down to is one thing - you have to care enough to listen, take on board what needs doing then go do it. They are the mechanic who can tell you what has gone wrong, why and gives you the tools to do the repair yourself with their help.

I also feel I can't be myself in those sessions

It you are not open and truthful in the sessions then you are not giving the therapist the information to build a proper diagnosis and treatment plan from, so you are only hurting yourself.

For it to work you have to trust them. They are paid professionals so will keep judgement out of their session.

Until you can get over this trust issue then you will not make much progress at all I'm afraid.

I hope you don't mind me being blunt about this - it is nothing personal but you are self sabotaging here.

I had CBT for a while which did nothing for me. I'm seeing a person-centred therapist at the moment which is working better for me - it's less structured and it's more about having that relationship between the client and the therapist.

Unlike CBT, I can be myself and talk about autism (mainly because my therapist is autistic too), and there's not the fear of judgement.