Published on 12, July, 2020
I have gone through talking therapy in the past and reflected on whether it was beneficial at all. In the short term it was good to have someone listen to me and feel better about myself for a while but then I had to quit when I felt it wasn't going anywhere. I also can't tell if they're being sincere or just pretending to be sympathetic because they're paid to.
I recently started again but now I'm not sure if I can continue. I'm also not comfortable disclosing my most personal issues anymore or having to tell my story again and again each time. I feel like a broken record.
I also feel I can't be myself in those sessions and I now avoid discussing my autism, past self-harm thoughts or sexual repression out of fear of being misunderstood or not taken seriously despite assurances of understanding or non-judgment.
I also can't tell if they're being sincere or just pretending to be sympathetic because they're paid to.
The cold truth is that they are being paid for a service so expecting them to care in the way maybe a loved on would is unreasonable.
It is a bit like when you take your car to the garage to get something fixed - the mechanic will diagnose the issue, maybe do a repair and advice you to avoid driving into trees again as it causes dents in the bumper.
He doesn't care about the car but does everything needed to get it on the road again with hopefully a driver that can follow instructions.
What it comes down to is one thing - you have to care enough to listen, take on board what needs doing then go do it. They are the mechanic who can tell you what has gone wrong, why and gives you the tools to do the repair yourself with their help.
I also feel I can't be myself in those sessions
It you are not open and truthful in the sessions then you are not giving the therapist the information to build a proper diagnosis and treatment plan from, so you are only hurting yourself.
For it to work you have to trust them. They are paid professionals so will keep judgement out of their session.
Until you can get over this trust issue then you will not make much progress at all I'm afraid.
I hope you don't mind me being blunt about this - it is nothing personal but you are self sabotaging here.
I'll meet them first and discuss my doubts before deciding if it is worth carrying on.
I think you are right. Personally I know I could never trust anyone, let alone a therapist, which is why I don't bother.
They do not have the capacity to understand what I go through. We have lead such different lives with different experiences, it would be like a duck trying to relate to a badger.
When I did have CBT I found he kept telling me "you think X" or "you feel Y" but I didn't. It was very annoying to have everything framed in a neurotypical way and reinterpreted through a completely different mindset to what I actually think. Like trying to put a square peg in a round hole, the advice did not work.