Contradictions

I've found that often the people who complain about me asking questions are the same people who want everyone to believe the same as they do.

I do the same, often screws up short meetings if I go off on one, but I know the people who'd complain would be the ones asking questions the day after or going off not totally understanding the topic.

Yes! I know what you mean. It feels crucial to us in a way that others find perplexing and overkill. 

I'm certainly the kind of person who would be accused of "over-explaining", trying to answer every possible question the other person might have before they even get the chance. Not sure if it actually works, either way.

My interpretation was that they were dismissive, but I guess there was the double empathy thing in play coupled with my often weak ability to actually explain fully what I mean. It's little wonder that people misinterpret things.

I did used to go about things in the way that I thought friendships worked. I tried to make plans to travel to London and meet people there - to be fair, that one worked out fine, but the actual process was one I tried to take on almost entirely by myself, so unsurprisingly it became more stressful than it needed to be.

I think now, I'm a bit more selective. Not just in terms of the things I actually want to do (as opposed to sometimes doing things for the sake of them) but knowing that I could just speak to someone about it, rather than trying to take matters into my own hands.

There's an adjacent NT phenomenon that it would probably be oversimplification to call 'black and white thinking'. It's more of a blind-spot to the fluid continuum between two polar extremes of action as if only a binary yes/no exists for a certain kind of scenario. And yet despite that perceived limitation one gets total damnation, the other total veneration. An example: Someone is being harassed in the street. A passer by either unthinkingly jumps in to yell at the harasser or they stay more peripheral/are paralysed by the anomalousness of the situation in their life and having no quickly accessible mental rule-book for what to do. Now obviously, we all know what we'd LIKE to do in that situation, and maybe we would - getting it all impeccably right. 

However, in any general variant of scenario A, the interceding person is later hailed as 'a hero', 'a saint' and so forth. In any general variant of scenario B, they are 'scum', 'a coward', etc. It's like only the extremes exist... and in a way they do, giving us a momentary glimpse - if we stand a little obliquely to the norm- into something peculiarly fishy about the construction of reality. Not entirely graspable for any of us... but there nonetheless. 

I guess that some of our common ground is helpful in terms of understanding or being able to relate, but as you say it doesn't mean we all get on as we might have completely different opinions and interests that might clash.

I’m not sure this was a discouragement. And it may have even been an attempt to explain something different. 

Most Children can go to the park and hang out with whomever and go home and forget about them. Time is sensed as limitless and there’s no finite impending doom of death and taxes looming. 

Once these play a role in your demands (spoons), you can find yourself limited and desire to connect and create community, even if it’s two close friends and a set lot of work acquaintances. You have to learn to say no in order to focus on these Investments. Which is what they become. We need community as we age, inter-dependant peers and mentors with shared values. If we like, we can start a commune with them, share land tax and bills and show up when they need help as part of the Social Contract. 

the slice of time I give another can be expensive- or at the expense of something which is better for my future. 

It’s quite sensible if you think about it. Wouldn’t advise to be indebted to someone you’re not fond of. Every social exchange costs something. Nothing is free, essentially - and that can be an anchor of a lesson, one I was told direct in my late 20s but didn’t quite make full sense of till mid 30s

I've learnt this the hard way. I used to believe that just because someone was autistic, they'd be the perfect friend, cos at least they'd understand, but I ignored the fact that we'd tend to clash at least.  

I had this feeling too. I suffered from having no friends and wondered what’s wrong with me and cried a lot. Now it’s kinda easier for me. I just don’t care anymore. I found some other things to enjoy. And I consciously chose to avoid places that are uncomfortable for me, such as crowded, noisy smelly etc. 

I've noticed that strange contradiction too, groups for autistic people seem to assume that we'll all get along fine together because we're all autistic. Do they think that all NT's get on because they're NT? Of course not, but somehow we dont' seem to be allowed not to get on with each other, not in a bad way, but just have nothing to talk about because of different interests, not just big special interests, but little normal things. It still seems like autistic services go to the lowest common denominator instead of allowing us to just be people.

Sometimes on a sunny day I would actively go into town and walk about, hoping to bump into someone who recognises me. It's arguably less embarrassing than having to make the plan in the first place.

It's a delicate balance because I don't want to be entitled, and expect anything to be handed to me. But there are times where the opportunity has been there and I've completely messed it up because I tried to handle it on my own, and I didn't know what I was doing.

I tend to stay at home in the evenings and watch TV, generally preferring days out over nights out. The problem is I haven't been very good at articulating that.

When I used to make plans, I used to take it upon myself to invite random people. People who didn't actually know each other. It was a big mess and the worst part? It didn't even have to be. I put that pressure on myself.

I understand. In my younger days I felt it like a stab to the heart when I saw or heard about my “friends” going off and doing things without inviting me. Off having a life basically while I sat alone at home.

And today - a warm sunny day - if I were to go into town I’d see groups of friends sitting in beer gardens, sunbathing in green spaces together etc but I’d be by myself, separate from it all and unable to participate.

I've been to festivals and stuff like that and I can understand why you feel you've missed out, but I've found I much prefer watching it all on telly, you get a better view, you're not crushed and crowded by others, or overwhelmed with smells. Somewhere like Glastonbury was a pretty full on sensory experience when I went in my teens, it was tiny then compared to now.

I watch TV documentaries about places I'd like to visit, and then think, but I wouldn't get the access that I do on telly.

Living life through watching others may seem like missing out, but for all the good stuff, theres more bad stuff, airports, crowds, expense, ignorant people, hotels, restaurants with nothing you can eat.

A lot of the time I can convince myself that I don't care, because I don't have the desire to go to a festival (for example) or whatever people do.

Sometimes though, like today, I wake up and it all comes back. Like I'm completely missing out on life.

I'm so used to being the odd one out that when I look at photo's of people I know hanging out with friends or telling stories about hanging out with friends, it feels like someone telling me about an episode in a soap opera. Luckily I don't want to do the things that they do or go to the places they hang out.

In my 20's and 30's I did feel the lack of friends very keenly and would wonder how people kept friendship groups, all my friends moved away over the course of about a year. I supose I'm just used to it now and no longer miss it all, its just one of those things other people do, that I don't.

Probably. I always felt like I wasn't getting my point across clearly and they weren't understanding, so I felt the need to clarify about a million times that I wasn't asking to be joined at the hip with someone. I just wanted the same thing a lot of other adults seemingly manage with ease.

I find it funny how so many autistic people, myself included talking about their desire to have friends and relationships, when the world labels us as antisocial.

If only they all realised we just struggle with the intensity of it all. 

Kind of makes it double sad when it goes wrong. Maybe that's the double empathy theory at play?

I guess it's the way I have tended to put it across. I used to be pretty desperate, like I wanted nothing more than to spend quality time with someone. I didn't have the friends from childhood where we could make plans to do something every weekend or whatever, yet I know people my age who do.

Obviously, I don't even want to do that (every weekend) but I felt the guilt even for wanting to do something every now and again.