Relationships

I Sperg said:

You have to be "brave" sometimes, and that does not come easy

Right on.

I said exactly what you said in your last sentance in my late 20's to a friend, and she found it really profound.

PLUS, being reminded of that caused me to make a phone call that seems to have given me a lovely conversation with an old friend...

(I am late diagnosed Autistic, I haev a whole slew of people to whom I owe an apology for misunderstandings where they did not get my nicer side, and it was unfair of me. I mean to dish out the apologes as and when I can.) 

You can, and will.

Before I was diagnosed I found dates very difficult, especially since everything started from online dating, but forced myself to go out of my comfort zone. 

Eventually I found the right person, who looking back, also is somewhere on the spectrum. 

We were a few months into our relationship when I was diagnosed, and his response was simply "It doesn't change who you are, it's just you, and I've always known you were." 

2 years later we are married. :-)

When you find the right person, you will know. You click straight away.

Before that, I was single for about 3 years having got out of an abusive relationship. I felt I would never find anyone and wasn't deserving of any love. 

Now, I know what real, unconditional love is like, and it appeared very unexpectedly! 

Wishing you all the best, be kind to yourself.

I Sperg said:

Yet I bet you are actually lovely and special once someone actually gets to know you

Thank you. That's kind. I hope I am a nice person and come across that way to other people though normally it feels the opposite, people tend to avoid me and pretend I'm not there. 

I Sperg said:

The BIG THING that leaps off the pages here, is that very few of us are really good at "having fun" with other people. (AND I just realsied a big failing in my own relationship, that needs attention).

Although one does "Dating" in an effort to find a partner, it is way better if you do it to get out and have a bit of fun

Definitely is a big failing for me - I'm not what you would call fun and outgoing. I go out under sufference, when I really have to like for shopping or Drs appts. I don't really enjoy going out and I don't enjoy being in groups and built up areas. I like people and I have tried my best to do small talk and the like but I think it comes across as awkward because I am so anxious. Maybe it is noticed and that's some of the problem?

Even as a kid I was the same. I've always struggled to fit in with others and do small talk. I can remember at school the girls would all talk to each other and be having fun and when I tried it was just awkward. I was always happiest in my room playing with my toys, always alone.

I Sperg said:

and I can see how hard it is for most of us to even write a decent profile.

Ugh that is so true in my case. Even writing about myself is difficult... I set out to write my profile to really describe myself and my life and I ended up with a few words which really doesn't say much about myself. I'll try and edit it at some point and make it better.

But that alone shows how difficult it is because I can't even converse through words that well and speaking is the worst by far.

It's a weird one because I see my faults, I know the problem which is me of course but I don't know how to change and improve this.

Well, there seems to be a few people on this thread that are kindof in the same boat as me, so i guess i will offer ... 

if there is anyone in the midlands area who would like to meet up for a coffee and a chat - nothing more - lets just call it socializing practice, -  message me.  old, young, man woman .. whatever, it would be nice to be able to chat with someone who understands the challenges.  

Im sure we can find somewhere with people so it is safe, yet quiet enough so it isn't too going to be too much for the senses.

I Sperg said:

WHAT WE NEED to oragnise for you young uns, is a specialist Autist dating service.

AND 

TRAIINIG COURSES

This will be training them how to mask in order to get a partner - do you think this wise given the damage that masking does to autists energy over time?

That said, you are probably right and it would take a neurotypical person with deep knowledge of neurodiversity to give this training in a broad enough way to cover the likely scenarios for the range of autistic people out there.

How would you break down the training? There will be lots of areas to cover (how to make ice breaking conversation while appearing confident, how to make small talk focussed in encouraging a date to be interested, how to broach the issue of you being autistic, how to set boundaries that meet your needs, how to read body language and of course the rules of dating that the other party is likely to expect).

Yet I bet you are actually lovely and special once someone actually gets to know you...

WHAT WE NEED to oragnise for you young uns, is a specialist Autist dating service.

AND 

TRAIINIG COURSES!!

The BIG THING that leaps off the pages here, is that very few of us are really good at "having fun" with other people. (AND I just realsied a big failing in my own relationship, that needs attention).

Although one does "Dating" in an effort to find a partner, it is way better if you do it to get out and have a bit of fun.

As Autists we have huge difficulty with all that small talk, nuance, picking of up signals, bollox, and we just need to be "doing something" rather than sitting awkwardly waiitng for the magic to happen. 

Amirite?

I've managed to get a few people to talk with me about themselves privately, and publically, and I can see how hard it is for most of us to even write a decent profile.

We are not natural salesmen, so it's really hard to bridge that gap, but it can be done. It's a midn thing, and those of us who "can do" (even as ineptly as I manage) should try and pass on the flame to others.

You have to be "brave" sometimes, and that does not come easy.  

I'm single and feel like it will always be that way. I struggle to make friends, I don't know what to say or how to act. I can't imagine how to even begin to start a relationship. I try to mix with people, to talk and be normal but people don't accept me and don't want to know me.

I'm lonely and isolated. Feels like it will always be that way.

I don't cope in relationships sadly. I've never been very good at interacting with others - my social skills are non-existent and it's led to extreme social anxiety and isolation. I've tried so hard to interact with people but I just can't do it.

You definitely can and I'm sure you will one day, probably without meaning to, that's how I found my now wife.

Growing up I went through life being quiet and socially awkward. I tried to be like everyone else but I just  couldn't. I can talk, I can interact with people but I interact differently, in my own way. Most people don't understand it. But sometimes you find the people who take the time to understand you and will be patient.

I've not met many of those but they do exist.

I've always wanted friends and a girlfriend since I was at school. I always hoped I would make a friend but never expected to get a girlfriend.

And then I did! It was so random and my own clumsiness caused it. I went to the shops because I wanted some strawberry jam and the online shopping system didn't have any jam in stock until Friday but I needed it that day. So I went to the shop and it turned out they had loads in stock lol and then at the checkout I grabbed my bags and went out to my car, keeping my head down as I do, so I don't make eye contact.

In the parking lot a woman came up to me with her own bags and the first thing she said was "don't be nervous". I really appreciated that and felt a little less anxious after. And then she proceeded to say that I had accidentally picked up one of her shopping bags. I was really apologetic and felt an idiot and thought I might have a meltdown but she must have seen how worked up I was getting because she said "hey it's ok, no harm done and don't worry I do this sort of thing all the time". She said she came out with someone else's trolley last week.

Originally I thought that wasn't true and she was just trying to make me feel better but it turns out that was a true event. A well matched pair!

This chance encounter because of my clumsy nature led me to meet this woman and she and I have now been boyfriend and girlfriend for 4 years  

So guys, it can and does happen. Don't give up on yourselves or on the hope of dating and always be yourself.

After the parking lot incident she suggested we get a coffee and I said could we drink them next to my car because it's a comfort item for me and she was fine with that.

Going shopping that day was the best decision I've ever made!

Firstly if you cannot show your tenancies the relationship will crash and burn if the other person isn't able to accept you. There is the risk that even if they do accept them the fact you cannot trust them enough to tell them could severely dent any established relationship if they ever find out.

I normally despise shows the document the lives of disabled people trying to date like the undatables etc as they are the most hideous forms of Norms mocking us for their own entertainment. However love on the spectrum which is on Netflix is actually a very different vibe to it and its a good watch.

Trauma also causes difficulties in relationships, particularly if the trauma goes back to childhod.

I have been single for a long time and gave up trying when i was falsely diagnosed as not autistic.

I am trying to sort through the trauma in the very small hope that I may be able to have some kind of relationship or friendship.  At the moment, I would be happy to have someone I could get an occasional coffee with ... but even that is hard.

I've been single all my life. I did look at online dating but it was awkward and I never got past introducing myself...I've never been good at things like that.
I'm now reserved to the fact that I'm likely always going to be single. I'm autistic and that explains why I struggle so much with relationships and friendships.

Learn a few "good games", then get back to me...

Sorry about the emojis! My phone is being weird

Hey Erwin firstly let me start by saying if you feel you need to 'hide' who you really are in a relationship then you need to sit and think about why that is first. A relationship where you are not truly yourself means that your never going be able to relax and it'll eventually make you going to burnout and for the other person it's going to eventually feel like a betrayal on their end when they find out because they got to know, and potentially fell in love with someone who wasn't actually who they thought they were but a disguise. I'm also wondering if you felt like you needed to hide and  felt strange around your ex because they didn't truly  like or want to accept who you actually are...that's not a relationship that's a status/ manipulation thing on their end! HUGE RED FLAG

1. For me I found I've always ended up in  long term  relationships with other neurodivergents, although it hasn't been on purpose. I think we're just naturally drawn to each other.
2. Like neurotpicals you need to find someone with a similar personality and similar likes. The old saying 'opposites attract' has actually been scientifically shown to be inaccurate when I comes to personality and traits. It is only true when it comes to immunity. With that being said you also need to give each other space to enjoy things without each other even if you have the same interest and hobbies.
3. I've always been super picky. If during the dating phrase something just doesn't feel right, or I feel on edge like or masking or I feel it's a lot one sided I cut things off straight away even if they say that they would make effort I wouldn't give them a second chance. I tend to find we're more aware of patterns then others and we're gaslighted a lot into accepting things we shouldn't. So where people think it may be use just being anxious or brash actually no it's not we can just see what's coming but a lot of us stick around because we're told by other neurotpicals that we were acting irrational all because they couldn't see what we can see and then it ends up we were right anyway.
4. Don't advocate for your needs in the relationship just do it anyway. If you feel that your partner may be confused or take offense to your behavior i.e if you need an isolation day. Explain in advance that this is your need and it is not a result of them. If they do not respect it at any point you need to consider is it because they don't understand ( and if so communicate more) or are they being disrespectful and selfish ( if so cut them off).

In my case, I am now aware I am also alexithymic with C-ptsd from childhood neglect and abuse.  it may be that I can improve the aspects that come from the childhood trauma, but as I am so far away from being able to maintain a relationship, i am not hopeful.

I think for me it’s made me feel even less hopeful about that situation changing 

I have been single for many years.  Relationships have always been so confusing and stressful. Now that I know I am autistic, at least I know why, but it doesn't solve anything.

Could not agree more. Matches my own experience quite closely.

You were lucky to get "perfect" first time, my experience has been different in that regard.

I can blame my own issues for most but not all of my experience in thet regard.