Relationships

I'm single and feel like it will always be that way. I struggle to make friends, I don't know what to say or how to act. I can't imagine how to even begin to start a relationship. I try to mix with people, to talk and be normal but people don't accept me and don't want to know me.

I'm lonely and isolated. Feels like it will always be that way.

You see I have always taken the veiw that in the right context with a well crafted and told joke any topic can be funny.

Rape, murder, holocosts. anything. For example mel brooks (a jewish comedian) made a hilarious sketch about the spanish insquisition in which many many jews were killed.

PS why does the mainstream media suddenly find it more acceptable to make these sorts of jokes when it’s for a man who is the victim https://youtu.be/7UIIiYunMQk there’s something of a double standard there.

I don't cope in relationships sadly. I've never been very good at interacting with others - my social skills are non-existent and it's led to extreme social anxiety and isolation. I've tried so hard to interact with people but I just can't do it.

In truth Peter,much as I am normally seen as a "champion of the far right amnd all that is bad" by some misguded fools, the lady makes a point. 

I spent a LOT of time in my younger life as a confidant to women,, being "compliented on my listening skills", and whilsty developing a firm cynicism about much that is spouted today, and all things feminist in particular, they do have one or two valid points to make.

One of which, is that in a civilised society "rape" is never funny.

Even a paid up and qualified misogyinst (at least for humourous effect) like me can get that. I did need it explained to me though, because I really didn't see the joke as about rape but others oviously did. 

I think it's much harder for a man to link the word "relationship" with the word "rape" (except perhaps some men can in a financial context) and so now understand why that conflcit arose. 

You definitely can and I'm sure you will one day, probably without meaning to, that's how I found my now wife.

Growing up I went through life being quiet and socially awkward. I tried to be like everyone else but I just  couldn't. I can talk, I can interact with people but I interact differently, in my own way. Most people don't understand it. But sometimes you find the people who take the time to understand you and will be patient.

I've not met many of those but they do exist.

I've always wanted friends and a girlfriend since I was at school. I always hoped I would make a friend but never expected to get a girlfriend.

And then I did! It was so random and my own clumsiness caused it. I went to the shops because I wanted some strawberry jam and the online shopping system didn't have any jam in stock until Friday but I needed it that day. So I went to the shop and it turned out they had loads in stock lol and then at the checkout I grabbed my bags and went out to my car, keeping my head down as I do, so I don't make eye contact.

In the parking lot a woman came up to me with her own bags and the first thing she said was "don't be nervous". I really appreciated that and felt a little less anxious after. And then she proceeded to say that I had accidentally picked up one of her shopping bags. I was really apologetic and felt an idiot and thought I might have a meltdown but she must have seen how worked up I was getting because she said "hey it's ok, no harm done and don't worry I do this sort of thing all the time". She said she came out with someone else's trolley last week.

Originally I thought that wasn't true and she was just trying to make me feel better but it turns out that was a true event. A well matched pair!

This chance encounter because of my clumsy nature led me to meet this woman and she and I have now been boyfriend and girlfriend for 4 years  

So guys, it can and does happen. Don't give up on yourselves or on the hope of dating and always be yourself.

After the parking lot incident she suggested we get a coffee and I said could we drink them next to my car because it's a comfort item for me and she was fine with that.

Going shopping that day was the best decision I've ever made!

Firstly if you cannot show your tenancies the relationship will crash and burn if the other person isn't able to accept you. There is the risk that even if they do accept them the fact you cannot trust them enough to tell them could severely dent any established relationship if they ever find out.

I normally despise shows the document the lives of disabled people trying to date like the undatables etc as they are the most hideous forms of Norms mocking us for their own entertainment. However love on the spectrum which is on Netflix is actually a very different vibe to it and its a good watch.

ah but we don't have a bad taste rule. We have an obsenity rule. But no bad taste, offencive, or 'triggering' rule. The problem with a lot of these content regulation rules is their interpritation is supper subjective. pick 2 people at random and they can have wildly difrent ideas about what is and isnt obsean.

Trauma also causes difficulties in relationships, particularly if the trauma goes back to childhod.

I have been single for a long time and gave up trying when i was falsely diagnosed as not autistic.

I am trying to sort through the trauma in the very small hope that I may be able to have some kind of relationship or friendship.  At the moment, I would be happy to have someone I could get an occasional coffee with ... but even that is hard.

I've been single all my life. I did look at online dating but it was awkward and I never got past introducing myself...I've never been good at things like that.
I'm now reserved to the fact that I'm likely always going to be single. I'm autistic and that explains why I struggle so much with relationships and friendships.

I Sperg said:

Now that you have taken me to the point of understanding why what seemed to be a simple joke along the lines of "the only way i am likely to get a woman is to kidnap one" could be actually seen as hurtful or triggering to a subset of people that I know to be unacceptably high, rape victims (of either sex TBF). I won't be making that humour again.   

Thank you for such a gracious reply.

I read your words with regard to your own relationship 'quest' and they resonated - not just with my life (in different ways) but my autistic friend's.

We have to learn along the way as those things that come naturally to allistic people simply don't to us.

We on this forum have relationships too with one another and so we must, and do, learn to see each other's points of view, even if we don't share them, and thereby learn to get along.

I wish you all the best in life.

Learn a few "good games", then get back to me...

Thank you for that "heads up" Debbie.

I have given this a fair few hours to percolate, and I'm trying to square away a huge cognitive dissonance as a result.

I Simply did not see this as an attempt to make a joke about rape, in fact until you mentioned it, at no point did the concept of rape enter my head.

For the avoidance of doubt, the cartoonish image that sprung into my head was a mix of a caveman carrying off his woman (in a bag for some reason) mixed with the video off youtube of the "bloodhound gang bad touch" video.

The humour I found to be not the act itself, but in teh tongue in cheek acknowedgement of the sometimes ridiculous level of difficulty Sperg males encounter when they go a'courting.

In reality, anyoen wil tell you if you ask, the way to lose "Incel status" is to "make yourself more attractive, and get "out there".

For me it was not quite so easy, I had no idea what to do when I got "out there" or any idea what made a man attractive to a woman. 

HAVING no idea that I wuz Autistic and having completed some years in the army, I felt that I SHOULD BE the equal of pretty much any other man, (army training does kinda plant some odd ideas into ones head!) So why was there no girl for me? It was all pretty unfair, and the women who did seem to befriend me, never seemed to get past the "friendzone". Worse, some seemed to take shameless advantage if I became attracted (or worse infatuated) with them. I speedily learned that the more I fancied a woman, A weird inverse square law kicked in that seemed to make me less attarctive...

I noticed that all my more sucessfull male friends seemed to play weird games with females which I could not quite grasp, or see the significance of. Worse, I did not want to start a relationship based on a load of what seemed to be "bullshine"...  

Frankly I was getting nowhere, surrounded by false friends and acquaintances who I was attracting by means of running a lot of "partying" and "open house" events, running between "crush and crash" as far as any females were concerned and generally acting like a fool.

THEN I READ "GAMES PEOPLE PLAY" by a guy by the name of Eric Berne and the scales fell from my eyes. Here was a wrkshop manual of human relationships broken down into their basics and explained (if one had the patience to read) very well indeed.

More importantly, it gave me a real choice in how I could choose to interact with people. The games I choose to play. I could see the games I was playing to prevent myself from experiencing intimate human contact, and I learned several new games that clearly I could incorporate into my "mask". Most imporatly, I learned when it is the time to stop "playing games" and be my authentic self.

Why this seemed to make me more attractive to women I cannot quite fathom, but there was a very noticeable change in my whole life trajectory that started immediately after reading that particular book.

I was reading it not particularly to fix my "lack of girlfriend" problem, but more generally in my quest for useful knowledge. Essentially instead of always "trying to do the right thing", I armed myself with the knowledge required to actually be able to DO "the right things" without floundering when the opportunity presented itself. 

Essentially it seems to boil down to if you are not tall, have no money, and not handsome or possessed with much in the way of "Charisma" then there's only one winning strategy for a sigma male.

LEARN HOW TO BE NICE and genuinely connect with people in positive ways.. I didn't learn from genetics or experience, so I needed a book.

It's that simple.    

One clarificaton I'd offer about "rape", is that it has I am informed very little to do with sex and much more to do with a perverted excercise of "power" carried out by a few confused and unpleasant men, and is not in fact as some seem to think an inevitable consequence of masculinity or frustrated masculine desire.

I walked away from my screen at the start of a rape scene that occured in a film we were watching during film night because I found it personally revolting and simply chose not to "let it into my head" but I left the film running assuming that the other bloke who was watching it would have no such qualms, so brainwashed into a poorview of my fellow men that I when after a suitable time had passed and I returned to the film I was suprised to find that my mate had logged out from the session and was texting me to say that he didn't want to wacth the film anymore, and was going to do something else. 

Now that you have taken me to the point of understanding why what seemed to be a simple joke along the lines of "the only way i am likely to get a woman is to kidnap one" could be actually seen as hurtful or triggering to a subset of people that I know to be unacceptably high, rape victims (of either sex TBF). I won't be making that humour again.   

Sorry about the emojis! My phone is being weird

Hey Erwin firstly let me start by saying if you feel you need to 'hide' who you really are in a relationship then you need to sit and think about why that is first. A relationship where you are not truly yourself means that your never going be able to relax and it'll eventually make you going to burnout and for the other person it's going to eventually feel like a betrayal on their end when they find out because they got to know, and potentially fell in love with someone who wasn't actually who they thought they were but a disguise. I'm also wondering if you felt like you needed to hide and  felt strange around your ex because they didn't truly  like or want to accept who you actually are...that's not a relationship that's a status/ manipulation thing on their end! HUGE RED FLAG

1. For me I found I've always ended up in  long term  relationships with other neurodivergents, although it hasn't been on purpose. I think we're just naturally drawn to each other.
2. Like neurotpicals you need to find someone with a similar personality and similar likes. The old saying 'opposites attract' has actually been scientifically shown to be inaccurate when I comes to personality and traits. It is only true when it comes to immunity. With that being said you also need to give each other space to enjoy things without each other even if you have the same interest and hobbies.
3. I've always been super picky. If during the dating phrase something just doesn't feel right, or I feel on edge like or masking or I feel it's a lot one sided I cut things off straight away even if they say that they would make effort I wouldn't give them a second chance. I tend to find we're more aware of patterns then others and we're gaslighted a lot into accepting things we shouldn't. So where people think it may be use just being anxious or brash actually no it's not we can just see what's coming but a lot of us stick around because we're told by other neurotpicals that we were acting irrational all because they couldn't see what we can see and then it ends up we were right anyway.
4. Don't advocate for your needs in the relationship just do it anyway. If you feel that your partner may be confused or take offense to your behavior i.e if you need an isolation day. Explain in advance that this is your need and it is not a result of them. If they do not respect it at any point you need to consider is it because they don't understand ( and if so communicate more) or are they being disrespectful and selfish ( if so cut them off).

In my case, I am now aware I am also alexithymic with C-ptsd from childhood neglect and abuse.  it may be that I can improve the aspects that come from the childhood trauma, but as I am so far away from being able to maintain a relationship, i am not hopeful.

I think for me it’s made me feel even less hopeful about that situation changing 

I have been single for many years.  Relationships have always been so confusing and stressful. Now that I know I am autistic, at least I know why, but it doesn't solve anything.

I Sperg said:

I'm well aware of Rule 7 and I am genuinely mystified as to how a clearly humourous and non-serious suggestion that "gaffa tape and cloroform" could be a route to obtaining a relationship violates that rule. 

It is bad taste to make jokes about rape when there may be victims of rape reading the forums.

I didn't report you and I have very very rarely used that function ... however, I know of several women and a few others who have left this forum because of offensive or triggering matter here - I know because they either PMd me or stated so in the forums.

Could not agree more. Matches my own experience quite closely.

You were lucky to get "perfect" first time, my experience has been different in that regard.

I can blame my own issues for most but not all of my experience in thet regard.

I'm well aware of Rule 7 and I am genuinely mystified as to how a clearly humourous and non-serious suggestion that "gaffa tape and cloroform" could be a route to obtaining a relationship violates that rule. 

Let's take a look and try and work it out, shall we? 

1. Sexism? We are given no information as to the original posters sex or relationship requirements. So it can't be sexism.

2.Homophobia racism ntisemitism reliious intolerance transphobia, all of those we can exclude on the same grounds.

3. Disabilty hate speech? not really... 

4 Hate speech? Who is the object of hatred here? (There's a hypothetical victim of a hypothetical crime, but all the adults in the room know that there is not real proposal of a crime here). Of course there is an implicit hatred of humour being expressed here...

5. Obscenities? Well that's pretty much in the eye of the beholder is it not? MOST of modern society is a string of obscenities for some individuals, and a glorious rainbow pageant of self actualisation for others. GIven that the music track atatched below is in the public domain and widely broadcast I think the post  managed to stay on the right side of that legally speaking.

6. Pornogaphy? Nope.

So how exactly did I break that rule? Where is the hatred inerent in that post?