Have you ever felt inadequate about yourself to a point where you want to die?

Frequently, that has affected me my entire adult life. 
it can be really hard work.

I'm sure i saw an article suggesting that 70-80% of autistic people also suffer from depression, and there are many articles which postulate that most autistic adults have something akin to PTSD because of lifelong trauma from exclusion, bullying, teasing, micro-aggressions, sensory issues and of course loneliness. 

I think in a world that was more inclusive of autistic people and kinder to us, depression would no longer be seen as an inevitable part of the autistic life.

Others may disagree, but for me the standard approaches to treating depression just don't work for autistic people. CBT is now widely recognised as problematic for us, and it was catastrophic for me - it caused additional trauma - more general talking therapies are of some but limited use and I would say that in my case anti-depressants have made my thinking slightly clearer but that has only allowed me to see more clearly and coldly how screwed my life is.

I think most of us learn ways to cope as we get older. But coping isn't living.

very insightful post.

Hey there...firstly can I tell you something so you know that I am not just talking rubbish ie I am not a doctor but I have first hand experience of what you're dealing with. I shall not labour the point as this is about you and not me. I frequently have to be on suicide watch with my son who suffers and is diagnosed  autism/depression  and maybe some other comorbidity. I get the impression from what you have said that you are getting advice but it is not helping you. I am wondering if the depression is a by product of Autism ie autism in itself can make one depressed due to it having effects like you're unable to go out socialize etc or get a job which becomes depressing as there's no drugs for autism cure. If your depression is as you say a seperate co morbidity like clinical depression as a result of chemical imbalance in the brain then there is medication for that which as far as I know can help..whereas with depression as by product of autism maybe not as is what my son feels due to fact you can never cure the actual cause of the depression etc. It is your choice you can either take meds or make lifestyle choices to deal with the depression ie exercise good diet etc etc however it's hard to do that when you're brain is depressed as it kinda sabatages you ie you don't have that motivation etc and you just catastrophizing etc. The other option if you can afford it is some therapist who is trained in autism might help. I think an attitude of slow progress is good with realistic attainable goals with someone who you trust to help you. For example my son don't wanna take meds so he's doing lifestyle choices ie we have set small goals (bear in mind he hasn't been out for 10 yrs well once or twice ie to get covid jab etc) so his first goal is to go out for a walk around the block locally.  The second goal is to go for a driving lesson etc. So I hope that helps ie there is no definitive answer and yes I understand how you feel as I seen how upset my son gets as he grapples with the reality that he has this for life..very difficult and you cant say otherwise. You just have to make choices that work for you and to hell with everyone else . We look at it in that it is possible to have a life where you feel better than you do now and that there is a possibility of that but it is a long way off and it takes a long time and you and other people need to be patient with you. It may also interest you to know that people in the same situation as yourself say they felt like you do but years later were able to get past it and now do have a better life and its common that failed or suicide attempts that went wrong or were not successful these people say they are glad it didn't work and the stats on that are more are glad it didn't work than those who were sad it didn't. Just be aware you can't trust your brain when you are depressed and be aware there may come a day when you don't feel so crappie.

Lol that's so funny  I haven't heard of Ronnie Barker before or porridge looks really funny tho

Matilda said:

Don't let others pull you down.

Yes, as Ronnie Barker said in Porridge 

If you have been masking a lot then you may be in burnout. If that is the case then medication is unlikely to help. What you need is a reduction in pressures, to stop masking and lots of rest.

Look after yourself and take as much time as you need to begin to recover. I've been there and it's not going to resolve in a day or two. If you go back to work too soon, and straight back into the same environment that is causing the burnout, then it will just repeat the burnout cycle.

Sadly autistic burnout is not yet adequately recognised by the NHS and they are more likely to misdiagnose with anxiety and depression.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/autistic-fatigue/autistic-adults

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/autistic-burnout

https://committees.parliament.uk/writtenevidence/117253/pdf/

People are afraid to be themselves, to be true to themselves B cause the world doesn't like it and people will expect you to be different

The most important thing in the world is what you think of yourself. Self-regard determines how the world regards you

Better to like yourself and have the world ignore you than have the world like you and you ignore yourself.

In this life you have to be true yourself and not care what others think and expect of you otherwise you'll be miserable and living a lie

You are beautiful and unique. Don't let others pull you down.

Hi there, thanks for replying. In another reply I mentioned that my parents did support me, it is mainly extended family I endured abuse from. I didn't get a lot of support in secondary school and was at a point where my mum would take days off to go and fight to get the support I needed.

I am also surprised that I am able to hold down jobs especially as most people with autism are unemployed or underemployed which breaks my heart, so far the longest I have held down a job is 2 ½ years and now I am getting a decent(ish) salary of nearly 29K in my first full time job which I am surprised with at only 24 as not many people are quite there yet. 

I do feel quite low about myself and have to mask a lot especially at work as I try my best to get used to 36 hours a week (as I am transitioning part time where I did 30 hours before) because I am afraid of people assuming the worst of me. This is why I cannot be vulnerable as many people have used this against me and I can never trust people again especially due to abuse.

I am in the process of going to therapy again and am currently on medication, I will probably ring my work to say I need another day to recover as I had a panic attack two days ago and the side effects of my medication is making me tired and drowsy to the point where I can't sleep or concentrate.

When it came to my environment (forgot to mention in OP), my parents did support me, especially mum who has been my rock. I did get support in primary but secondary school was harder as from what I remember, teachers kept leaving and my records weren't passed on. 

In terms of family, it was mainly extended family that treated me poorly, not my parents. At times I was made to feel like I was in the wrong and even now it is so hard for me to accept myself due to recent comments from a family friend about what I need to change and apparently assuming my mum doesn't know what is best for me. My parents have allowed me to make choices, not force me to do things I am uncomfortable with. Right now, (as I type after 3am) I am feeling drained and drowsy (as I am on medication and waiting to ring work to say I can't come in due to the medication side effects kicking in) 

I have no idea what to do and am surprised I am going to be 25 next month and surviving in this fake world.

I'm really sorry to read your post. I want you to know how you feel is completely normal and I think a lot of people can relate to feeling like it at the best of times. Try not to worry too much about the future, focus on the here and now, otherwise worrying about your future will ruin your present. It doesn't matter what other people think. It's not up to them to say where you should be in your life.
All that matters is what you think and if you like yourself how you are then that is all that's important. Don't let others upset you and pull you down. You are the best version of you.

Every person in the world is unique, we all have our quirks, our strengths and weaknesses. Don't compare yourself to others, pursue what you enjoy in life and be proud of it and be proud of who you are. You are unique and that is something to be proud of.

Yes. Between the ages of around 16 and 21 I lived an utterly miserable hopeless existence, utterly perplexed at why I was so different and separate from those around me and why everything was so difficult. In many alternative timelines I would not have survived this.

But then I started consciously and deliberately masking - studying what other people said, wore, did and then I started working and discovered I had a talent for software design. I buried myself in my job, where I could feel like a useful and worthwhile human being. Over the years I built layer upon layer of capability and coping strategies. I’d regularly raise my head, look around, realise I was still alone and unhappy, then concentrate on work again.

This appeared to work tolerably for twenty years or so until I broke in 2020, suffering extreme burnout. Since then I’ve found it very difficult to ignore the (massively important) aspects of my life that have not worked out.

But opting out would have caused massive hurt to my parents and others around me so it wasn’t an option. Now that it perhaps is, I keep putting one foot in front of the other, hoping that I can make a change.

And I can’t let me furry feline friend down.

I Sperg said:

Our task, fellow 'spergs,, is to take the hand that life has dealt us and PLAY IT WELL. 

Well said 

I would say I have felt like that as many as 100 times, throughout the course of my life.

Dear lina-chan, 

I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.  

If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support. 

If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service: 

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/ 

The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org. 

MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.  

If you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself - call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support. 

You can find more information here: 

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/suicide 

Kind Regards,
Rosie Mod

Hi lina-chan, sorry for your loss and to hear you are struggling.

lina-chan said:

I feel inadequate and a failure of a daughter as no matter how hard I try, I can never be the person people want me to be

I have felt like a failure for similar reasons, and I think we always will so long as we allow others to define success for us. What matters is who you want to be, rather than what others want you to be. It is a lot easier said than done trying to think in that way, because we end up internalising the voices of others, so they pop up unbidden as thoughts in our head berating us, but it is something to gradually chip away at. My best will never be enough for some people, because I am not a clone of them, so it only seems logical to place little weight on their opinion.

lina-chan said:

It is hard to know who I am because certain people tell me who I am is wrong

I feel like I have lost track of myself somewhere along the line, being so busy trying to fit in and get through the day that I have forgotten what I like. It scares me, because surely everyone should know what they want, and leaves me feeling directionless. But I am trying to see that blank canvas as something exciting, waiting to be filled with wonderful things. Just need to work out what they are 

My heart goes out to the O/P HMO and a couple of other posters here.

Now, I've lived 3 times as long as the O/P so I've perhaps, in aggregate, suffered more! (particularly with my diabolical childhood) so perhaps I can help?

Firstly, understand this: NONE OF US ARE USELESS (all the time).

Just like in my tool box where the pliers complain about the limited approach that the hammer has to life, and they all complain about the oscilloscope which just takes up space and hardly EVERY does anything useful. Now I see the oscillloscope as the "Autistic" tool, it needs to be handled carefully, and is hardly ever useful, (AND you need skill and experience to get the best out of it) but when you need it, NOTHING ELSE WILL DO.

Do you see what I'm trying to say here?

As an Autistic person you simply WONT fit in and be useful all the time, which is frustrating, but you DO have the potential to be very useful indeed when the right circumstances ever arise. In my case, I'm quite good in a disaster, I seem to keep my head and cope much better than ANY normie I've come across in the minor disasters I've been a party to.. It's not a skill that people need very often, so I'm mostly useless.

Except that I'm not. 

Whilst waiitng for the big disaster to arise, I fill my time with minor things.

Learning how to cope with the normies,

Learning how to be a better person, 

Learning how to be a GOOD person despite my obvious character flaws and limitations.

Then there's DOING THINGS.

I fix stuff for the general public and around the house

I look after two cats and to a very limited extent my Other half.

I invent things, this week I invented a novel set of vacuum gauges and a novel repair for rubber motorcycle carburettor intakes which shrink over time and forty years after initial manufacture are no longer available new, that might actually be useful to others..

BUT I'm incapable of getting a job, or earning a living without help. (which I lost twenty years ago when my previous relationship failed so have been incredibly poor ever since..)

Every Christmas I have insufficient funds to do any pre planing and the stress and feelings of inadequacy swarm around me, like they did this Christmas and I'm probably "post burnout" right now,  because I'm finding it difficult to want to do anything, but OFF MYSELF??

I'm going to die anyway at some point, but what if death isn't actually the end of us?

After having lived an extra forty years of asking how does everything work? what happens after death? etc. I am no longer certain that death is a "long cold sleep" I fear what may come after. 

I could have killed myself and ended up in a different mode of existence entirely, arriving defeated and miserable!

Our task, fellow 'spergs,, is to take the hand that life has dealt us and PLAY IT WELL. 

I've learned that my life isn't going to be full of big accomplishments and obtainiing the respect of my peers, I seem to have a more tobermory womble type of life.

I was getting all bent out of shape over how long I've spent trying to restore my motorbike just before Christmas, and how little resources I have available so I have to buy cheap and that causes delays and sometimes I have to buy again because I bought too cheap which adds more delays, and really I want to be riding not fixing  my bike, of course. In fact, not having it available has stalled a much bigger project for nearly three years now, so the endless delays have been costly and infuriating, and getting things done seemed to be so much easier when I was your age...

Then I remembered, I live a tiny useless life, it doesn't really matter what I do most of the time, so why put myself under pressure? 

So I stroke the cat, sleep a lot until I feel less miserable and generally look after myself until I have a bit more in reserve and then go back to enjoying my life without worrying about THEM.

Welcome to the community. It sounds to me as if you're doing amazingly well, having successfully finished your education and being able to hold down jobs full time for 5 years. 

Being diagnosed so young meant that you should have had accommodations and support in place. Yet you have been left feeling inadequate for being yourself. It is so wrong and these people clearly don't understand autism or how hard it is getting through life as an autistic person. They have no idea what it is like to experience the world as you do and are judging you based upon their own experiences. For the sake of your own mental health you probably do need to distance yourself.

I wasn't diagnosed until much later in life but I have had all of the same kinds of comments throughout my life. I have repeatedly pushed myself to the point of multiple major burnouts, unknowingly masked so much I don't know who I am anymore, faced my fears so often that anxiety became the daily normal. If I could turn the clock back I would do things differently and avoid suffering those major burnouts with resultant regression.

There is nothing wrong with being quiet if that is who you are. The people that are saying these things seem to be suggesting that there is one way of being 'normal' and anything else is failing. You don't need to socialise more unless you actually want to. Unfortunately so many autists do encounter these kind of attitudes and spend their lives masking to meet the expectations of others.

Be confident in who you are. You are not inadequate or failing. Those people should be ashamed of themselves for making you feel that way.

I grew up with abuse, and I didn't have much social skills either, because those around me socialized in a negative way, and treated me badly. I learned to Isolate myself and be as quiet as possible, as a form of safety and protection. As I grew older, I had a lot of trauma as well, yet I was expected to automatically know all these things, and socialize the same way as everyone my age,  even though our backgrounds were different. Speaking used to cause me panic attacks that made me recoil in fear, as I was abused for talking. I had a lot of these types of issues. However, I had to face all my fears, just to do the basics of socializing. Everything that I was abused into not doing, was what the world was telling me to do. It was as if everyone can swim easily and expecting me to be like them,  except they haven't swam with the sharks before. 

So I had many challenges facing trauma, fears, panic attacks, but I knew I had to face those things, if I ever wanted my freedom and independence. I sacrificed enough of myself for those who abused me, and I experienced a lot of pain and suffering as a result. But it made me realize that I can tolerate a lot more pain then other people, and although I didn't like it,  I felt a little empowered by that knowledge. So instead of avoiding my trauma, I faced and processed it, one little thing at a time, in order to get the negative emotions out of my system, and learn something about myself, my core values, and what I would never do to another person, and how they should've treated me and other people. 

And I figured out that social skills are just a skill to learn, and that even if I didn't grow up with the best people to socialize with as a kid, I'll just learn whatever I can now. I'm not perfect at it, but if I can do the basics of socialization, enough so that I can get by, that's enough for me. 

It's not that there was anything wrong with you, it's that your environment wasn't suited to making you feel safe enough,  that the people around you back then treated you badly, they didn't support you, and that they didn't do their jobs. A parents responsibility is to raise their kid to become an independent adult, and they didn't do that. And everything you have managed to accomplish in your life, was so much harder than what other people had to go through, so it's actually that much more amazing that you managed to do that.  So I hope you are not too hard on yourself, and just take small steps in the right direction. 

The mental health services I use are the Samartains, my black dog, and CALM.

I'd had problems with shout UK where every time text them,reply is that I've been using the service for a long time. Duh! Haven't used it for 3 years.