Have you ever felt inadequate about yourself to a point where you want to die?

I'm new to posting here so apologies if this doesn't make sense.

I am an autistic woman in her early 20's and was diagnosed pretty early on (around 2 years old). For years, I have felt something was wrong with me because I am autistic and also have clinical depression. I was always getting comments throughout my education in regards to being too quiet, needing to "step out of my comfort zone", needing to socialise more etc. These comments have been a part of childhood trauma where I was also abused by certain family members (who I am on a no contact basis with now).

As of recently, I have had a family friend/colleague say these things, also saying how will I cope if my parents were gone and how I need people (even though they fail to understand that I have childhood traumas and cannot trust people easily). I have to keep explaining myself and when I do I get the "I know you have a disability" comment but I have to look past it, I have to cope etc. This is something that will remain for the rest of my life. At one point I used to have good self esteem but now feel like I am reverting back to childhood again where people are using and abusing me.

and everytime it is like the equivalent of a hammer beating into my head to the point where I can no longer function. I feel inadequate and a failure of a daughter as no matter how hard I try, I can never be the person people want me to be. I suppose I have come far in life, I have finished education despite ongoing issues and have been capable of holding down jobs for a total of nearly 5 years. I am working in a full-time job which I recently started 3 months ago but right now have taken time off for today due to having a panic attack at work. Bereavement piles on to this because I lost someone close to me and I feel I have lost a piece of myself.

It is hard to know who I am because certain people tell me who I am is wrong. I feel like I want to off myself.