Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm new to posting here so apologies if this doesn't make sense.
I am an autistic woman in her early 20's and was diagnosed pretty early on (around 2 years old). For years, I have felt something was wrong with me because I am autistic and also have clinical depression. I was always getting comments throughout my education in regards to being too quiet, needing to "step out of my comfort zone", needing to socialise more etc. These comments have been a part of childhood trauma where I was also abused by certain family members (who I am on a no contact basis with now).
As of recently, I have had a family friend/colleague say these things, also saying how will I cope if my parents were gone and how I need people (even though they fail to understand that I have childhood traumas and cannot trust people easily). I have to keep explaining myself and when I do I get the "I know you have a disability" comment but I have to look past it, I have to cope etc. This is something that will remain for the rest of my life. At one point I used to have good self esteem but now feel like I am reverting back to childhood again where people are using and abusing me.
and everytime it is like the equivalent of a hammer beating into my head to the point where I can no longer function. I feel inadequate and a failure of a daughter as no matter how hard I try, I can never be the person people want me to be. I suppose I have come far in life, I have finished education despite ongoing issues and have been capable of holding down jobs for a total of nearly 5 years. I am working in a full-time job which I recently started 3 months ago but right now have taken time off for today due to having a panic attack at work. Bereavement piles on to this because I lost someone close to me and I feel I have lost a piece of myself.
It is hard to know who I am because certain people tell me who I am is wrong. I feel like I want to off myself.
Hey there...firstly can I tell you something so you know that I am not just talking rubbish ie I am not a doctor but I have first hand experience of what you're dealing with. I shall not labour the point as this is about you and not me. I frequently have to be on suicide watch with my son who suffers and is diagnosed autism/depression and maybe some other comorbidity. I get the impression from what you have said that you are getting advice but it is not helping you. I am wondering if the depression is a by product of Autism ie autism in itself can make one depressed due to it having effects like you're unable to go out socialize etc or get a job which becomes depressing as there's no drugs for autism cure. If your depression is as you say a seperate co morbidity like clinical depression as a result of chemical imbalance in the brain then there is medication for that which as far as I know can help..whereas with depression as by product of autism maybe not as is what my son feels due to fact you can never cure the actual cause of the depression etc. It is your choice you can either take meds or make lifestyle choices to deal with the depression ie exercise good diet etc etc however it's hard to do that when you're brain is depressed as it kinda sabatages you ie you don't have that motivation etc and you just catastrophizing etc. The other option if you can afford it is some therapist who is trained in autism might help. I think an attitude of slow progress is good with realistic attainable goals with someone who you trust to help you. For example my son don't wanna take meds so he's doing lifestyle choices ie we have set small goals (bear in mind he hasn't been out for 10 yrs well once or twice ie to get covid jab etc) so his first goal is to go out for a walk around the block locally. The second goal is to go for a driving lesson etc. So I hope that helps ie there is no definitive answer and yes I understand how you feel as I seen how upset my son gets as he grapples with the reality that he has this for life..very difficult and you cant say otherwise. You just have to make choices that work for you and to hell with everyone else . We look at it in that it is possible to have a life where you feel better than you do now and that there is a possibility of that but it is a long way off and it takes a long time and you and other people need to be patient with you. It may also interest you to know that people in the same situation as yourself say they felt like you do but years later were able to get past it and now do have a better life and its common that failed or suicide attempts that went wrong or were not successful these people say they are glad it didn't work and the stats on that are more are glad it didn't work than those who were sad it didn't. Just be aware you can't trust your brain when you are depressed and be aware there may come a day when you don't feel so crappie.
I'm sure i saw an article suggesting that 70-80% of autistic people also suffer from depression, and there are many articles which postulate that most autistic adults have something akin to PTSD because of lifelong trauma from exclusion, bullying, teasing, micro-aggressions, sensory issues and of course loneliness.
I think in a world that was more inclusive of autistic people and kinder to us, depression would no longer be seen as an inevitable part of the autistic life.
Others may disagree, but for me the standard approaches to treating depression just don't work for autistic people. CBT is now widely recognised as problematic for us, and it was catastrophic for me - it caused additional trauma - more general talking therapies are of some but limited use and I would say that in my case anti-depressants have made my thinking slightly clearer but that has only allowed me to see more clearly and coldly how screwed my life is.
I think most of us learn ways to cope as we get older. But coping isn't living.
very insightful post.