Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm new to posting here so apologies if this doesn't make sense.
I am an autistic woman in her early 20's and was diagnosed pretty early on (around 2 years old). For years, I have felt something was wrong with me because I am autistic and also have clinical depression. I was always getting comments throughout my education in regards to being too quiet, needing to "step out of my comfort zone", needing to socialise more etc. These comments have been a part of childhood trauma where I was also abused by certain family members (who I am on a no contact basis with now).
As of recently, I have had a family friend/colleague say these things, also saying how will I cope if my parents were gone and how I need people (even though they fail to understand that I have childhood traumas and cannot trust people easily). I have to keep explaining myself and when I do I get the "I know you have a disability" comment but I have to look past it, I have to cope etc. This is something that will remain for the rest of my life. At one point I used to have good self esteem but now feel like I am reverting back to childhood again where people are using and abusing me.
and everytime it is like the equivalent of a hammer beating into my head to the point where I can no longer function. I feel inadequate and a failure of a daughter as no matter how hard I try, I can never be the person people want me to be. I suppose I have come far in life, I have finished education despite ongoing issues and have been capable of holding down jobs for a total of nearly 5 years. I am working in a full-time job which I recently started 3 months ago but right now have taken time off for today due to having a panic attack at work. Bereavement piles on to this because I lost someone close to me and I feel I have lost a piece of myself.
It is hard to know who I am because certain people tell me who I am is wrong. I feel like I want to off myself.
My heart goes out to the O/P HMO and a couple of other posters here.
Now, I've lived 3 times as long as the O/P so I've perhaps, in aggregate, suffered more! (particularly with my diabolical childhood) so perhaps I can help?
Firstly, understand this: NONE OF US ARE USELESS (all the time).
Just like in my tool box where the pliers complain about the limited approach that the hammer has to life, and they all complain about the oscilloscope which just takes up space and hardly EVERY does anything useful. Now I see the oscillloscope as the "Autistic" tool, it needs to be handled carefully, and is hardly ever useful, (AND you need skill and experience to get the best out of it) but when you need it, NOTHING ELSE WILL DO.
Do you see what I'm trying to say here?
As an Autistic person you simply WONT fit in and be useful all the time, which is frustrating, but you DO have the potential to be very useful indeed when the right circumstances ever arise. In my case, I'm quite good in a disaster, I seem to keep my head and cope much better than ANY normie I've come across in the minor disasters I've been a party to.. It's not a skill that people need very often, so I'm mostly useless.
Except that I'm not.
Whilst waiitng for the big disaster to arise, I fill my time with minor things.
Learning how to cope with the normies,
Learning how to be a better person,
Learning how to be a GOOD person despite my obvious character flaws and limitations.
Then there's DOING THINGS.
I fix stuff for the general public and around the house
I look after two cats and to a very limited extent my Other half.
I invent things, this week I invented a novel set of vacuum gauges and a novel repair for rubber motorcycle carburettor intakes which shrink over time and forty years after initial manufacture are no longer available new, that might actually be useful to others..
BUT I'm incapable of getting a job, or earning a living without help. (which I lost twenty years ago when my previous relationship failed so have been incredibly poor ever since..)
Every Christmas I have insufficient funds to do any pre planing and the stress and feelings of inadequacy swarm around me, like they did this Christmas and I'm probably "post burnout" right now, because I'm finding it difficult to want to do anything, but OFF MYSELF??
I'm going to die anyway at some point, but what if death isn't actually the end of us?
After having lived an extra forty years of asking how does everything work? what happens after death? etc. I am no longer certain that death is a "long cold sleep" I fear what may come after.
I could have killed myself and ended up in a different mode of existence entirely, arriving defeated and miserable!
Our task, fellow 'spergs,, is to take the hand that life has dealt us and PLAY IT WELL.
I've learned that my life isn't going to be full of big accomplishments and obtainiing the respect of my peers, I seem to have a more tobermory womble type of life.
I was getting all bent out of shape over how long I've spent trying to restore my motorbike just before Christmas, and how little resources I have available so I have to buy cheap and that causes delays and sometimes I have to buy again because I bought too cheap which adds more delays, and really I want to be riding not fixing my bike, of course. In fact, not having it available has stalled a much bigger project for nearly three years now, so the endless delays have been costly and infuriating, and getting things done seemed to be so much easier when I was your age...
Then I remembered, I live a tiny useless life, it doesn't really matter what I do most of the time, so why put myself under pressure?
So I stroke the cat, sleep a lot until I feel less miserable and generally look after myself until I have a bit more in reserve and then go back to enjoying my life without worrying about THEM.
I Sperg said:Our task, fellow 'spergs,, is to take the hand that life has dealt us and PLAY IT WELL.
Well said