Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm new to posting here so apologies if this doesn't make sense.
I am an autistic woman in her early 20's and was diagnosed pretty early on (around 2 years old). For years, I have felt something was wrong with me because I am autistic and also have clinical depression. I was always getting comments throughout my education in regards to being too quiet, needing to "step out of my comfort zone", needing to socialise more etc. These comments have been a part of childhood trauma where I was also abused by certain family members (who I am on a no contact basis with now).
As of recently, I have had a family friend/colleague say these things, also saying how will I cope if my parents were gone and how I need people (even though they fail to understand that I have childhood traumas and cannot trust people easily). I have to keep explaining myself and when I do I get the "I know you have a disability" comment but I have to look past it, I have to cope etc. This is something that will remain for the rest of my life. At one point I used to have good self esteem but now feel like I am reverting back to childhood again where people are using and abusing me.
and everytime it is like the equivalent of a hammer beating into my head to the point where I can no longer function. I feel inadequate and a failure of a daughter as no matter how hard I try, I can never be the person people want me to be. I suppose I have come far in life, I have finished education despite ongoing issues and have been capable of holding down jobs for a total of nearly 5 years. I am working in a full-time job which I recently started 3 months ago but right now have taken time off for today due to having a panic attack at work. Bereavement piles on to this because I lost someone close to me and I feel I have lost a piece of myself.
It is hard to know who I am because certain people tell me who I am is wrong. I feel like I want to off myself.
Hi lina-chan, sorry for your loss and to hear you are struggling.
lina-chan said:I feel inadequate and a failure of a daughter as no matter how hard I try, I can never be the person people want me to be
I have felt like a failure for similar reasons, and I think we always will so long as we allow others to define success for us. What matters is who you want to be, rather than what others want you to be. It is a lot easier said than done trying to think in that way, because we end up internalising the voices of others, so they pop up unbidden as thoughts in our head berating us, but it is something to gradually chip away at. My best will never be enough for some people, because I am not a clone of them, so it only seems logical to place little weight on their opinion.
lina-chan said:It is hard to know who I am because certain people tell me who I am is wrong
I feel like I have lost track of myself somewhere along the line, being so busy trying to fit in and get through the day that I have forgotten what I like. It scares me, because surely everyone should know what they want, and leaves me feeling directionless. But I am trying to see that blank canvas as something exciting, waiting to be filled with wonderful things. Just need to work out what they are