Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm new to posting here so apologies if this doesn't make sense.
I am an autistic woman in her early 20's and was diagnosed pretty early on (around 2 years old). For years, I have felt something was wrong with me because I am autistic and also have clinical depression. I was always getting comments throughout my education in regards to being too quiet, needing to "step out of my comfort zone", needing to socialise more etc. These comments have been a part of childhood trauma where I was also abused by certain family members (who I am on a no contact basis with now).
As of recently, I have had a family friend/colleague say these things, also saying how will I cope if my parents were gone and how I need people (even though they fail to understand that I have childhood traumas and cannot trust people easily). I have to keep explaining myself and when I do I get the "I know you have a disability" comment but I have to look past it, I have to cope etc. This is something that will remain for the rest of my life. At one point I used to have good self esteem but now feel like I am reverting back to childhood again where people are using and abusing me.
and everytime it is like the equivalent of a hammer beating into my head to the point where I can no longer function. I feel inadequate and a failure of a daughter as no matter how hard I try, I can never be the person people want me to be. I suppose I have come far in life, I have finished education despite ongoing issues and have been capable of holding down jobs for a total of nearly 5 years. I am working in a full-time job which I recently started 3 months ago but right now have taken time off for today due to having a panic attack at work. Bereavement piles on to this because I lost someone close to me and I feel I have lost a piece of myself.
It is hard to know who I am because certain people tell me who I am is wrong. I feel like I want to off myself.
Welcome to the community. It sounds to me as if you're doing amazingly well, having successfully finished your education and being able to hold down jobs full time for 5 years.
Being diagnosed so young meant that you should have had accommodations and support in place. Yet you have been left feeling inadequate for being yourself. It is so wrong and these people clearly don't understand autism or how hard it is getting through life as an autistic person. They have no idea what it is like to experience the world as you do and are judging you based upon their own experiences. For the sake of your own mental health you probably do need to distance yourself.
I wasn't diagnosed until much later in life but I have had all of the same kinds of comments throughout my life. I have repeatedly pushed myself to the point of multiple major burnouts, unknowingly masked so much I don't know who I am anymore, faced my fears so often that anxiety became the daily normal. If I could turn the clock back I would do things differently and avoid suffering those major burnouts with resultant regression.
There is nothing wrong with being quiet if that is who you are. The people that are saying these things seem to be suggesting that there is one way of being 'normal' and anything else is failing. You don't need to socialise more unless you actually want to. Unfortunately so many autists do encounter these kind of attitudes and spend their lives masking to meet the expectations of others.
Be confident in who you are. You are not inadequate or failing. Those people should be ashamed of themselves for making you feel that way.
Hi there, thanks for replying. In another reply I mentioned that my parents did support me, it is mainly extended family I endured abuse from. I didn't get a lot of support in secondary school and was at a point where my mum would take days off to go and fight to get the support I needed.
I am also surprised that I am able to hold down jobs especially as most people with autism are unemployed or underemployed which breaks my heart, so far the longest I have held down a job is 2 ½ years and now I am getting a decent(ish) salary of nearly 29K in my first full time job which I am surprised with at only 24 as not many people are quite there yet.
I do feel quite low about myself and have to mask a lot especially at work as I try my best to get used to 36 hours a week (as I am transitioning part time where I did 30 hours before) because I am afraid of people assuming the worst of me. This is why I cannot be vulnerable as many people have used this against me and I can never trust people again especially due to abuse.
I am in the process of going to therapy again and am currently on medication, I will probably ring my work to say I need another day to recover as I had a panic attack two days ago and the side effects of my medication is making me tired and drowsy to the point where I can't sleep or concentrate.
If you have been masking a lot then you may be in burnout. If that is the case then medication is unlikely to help. What you need is a reduction in pressures, to stop masking and lots of rest.
Look after yourself and take as much time as you need to begin to recover. I've been there and it's not going to resolve in a day or two. If you go back to work too soon, and straight back into the same environment that is causing the burnout, then it will just repeat the burnout cycle.
Sadly autistic burnout is not yet adequately recognised by the NHS and they are more likely to misdiagnose with anxiety and depression.
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/autistic-fatigue/autistic-adults
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/autistic-burnout
https://committees.parliament.uk/writtenevidence/117253/pdf/