Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm new to posting here so apologies if this doesn't make sense.
I am an autistic woman in her early 20's and was diagnosed pretty early on (around 2 years old). For years, I have felt something was wrong with me because I am autistic and also have clinical depression. I was always getting comments throughout my education in regards to being too quiet, needing to "step out of my comfort zone", needing to socialise more etc. These comments have been a part of childhood trauma where I was also abused by certain family members (who I am on a no contact basis with now).
As of recently, I have had a family friend/colleague say these things, also saying how will I cope if my parents were gone and how I need people (even though they fail to understand that I have childhood traumas and cannot trust people easily). I have to keep explaining myself and when I do I get the "I know you have a disability" comment but I have to look past it, I have to cope etc. This is something that will remain for the rest of my life. At one point I used to have good self esteem but now feel like I am reverting back to childhood again where people are using and abusing me.
and everytime it is like the equivalent of a hammer beating into my head to the point where I can no longer function. I feel inadequate and a failure of a daughter as no matter how hard I try, I can never be the person people want me to be. I suppose I have come far in life, I have finished education despite ongoing issues and have been capable of holding down jobs for a total of nearly 5 years. I am working in a full-time job which I recently started 3 months ago but right now have taken time off for today due to having a panic attack at work. Bereavement piles on to this because I lost someone close to me and I feel I have lost a piece of myself.
It is hard to know who I am because certain people tell me who I am is wrong. I feel like I want to off myself.
I grew up with abuse, and I didn't have much social skills either, because those around me socialized in a negative way, and treated me badly. I learned to Isolate myself and be as quiet as possible, as a form of safety and protection. As I grew older, I had a lot of trauma as well, yet I was expected to automatically know all these things, and socialize the same way as everyone my age, even though our backgrounds were different. Speaking used to cause me panic attacks that made me recoil in fear, as I was abused for talking. I had a lot of these types of issues. However, I had to face all my fears, just to do the basics of socializing. Everything that I was abused into not doing, was what the world was telling me to do. It was as if everyone can swim easily and expecting me to be like them, except they haven't swam with the sharks before.
So I had many challenges facing trauma, fears, panic attacks, but I knew I had to face those things, if I ever wanted my freedom and independence. I sacrificed enough of myself for those who abused me, and I experienced a lot of pain and suffering as a result. But it made me realize that I can tolerate a lot more pain then other people, and although I didn't like it, I felt a little empowered by that knowledge. So instead of avoiding my trauma, I faced and processed it, one little thing at a time, in order to get the negative emotions out of my system, and learn something about myself, my core values, and what I would never do to another person, and how they should've treated me and other people.
And I figured out that social skills are just a skill to learn, and that even if I didn't grow up with the best people to socialize with as a kid, I'll just learn whatever I can now. I'm not perfect at it, but if I can do the basics of socialization, enough so that I can get by, that's enough for me.
It's not that there was anything wrong with you, it's that your environment wasn't suited to making you feel safe enough, that the people around you back then treated you badly, they didn't support you, and that they didn't do their jobs. A parents responsibility is to raise their kid to become an independent adult, and they didn't do that. And everything you have managed to accomplish in your life, was so much harder than what other people had to go through, so it's actually that much more amazing that you managed to do that. So I hope you are not too hard on yourself, and just take small steps in the right direction.
When it came to my environment (forgot to mention in OP), my parents did support me, especially mum who has been my rock. I did get support in primary but secondary school was harder as from what I remember, teachers kept leaving and my records weren't passed on.
In terms of family, it was mainly extended family that treated me poorly, not my parents. At times I was made to feel like I was in the wrong and even now it is so hard for me to accept myself due to recent comments from a family friend about what I need to change and apparently assuming my mum doesn't know what is best for me. My parents have allowed me to make choices, not force me to do things I am uncomfortable with. Right now, (as I type after 3am) I am feeling drained and drowsy (as I am on medication and waiting to ring work to say I can't come in due to the medication side effects kicking in)
I have no idea what to do and am surprised I am going to be 25 next month and surviving in this fake world.