Authenticity

I get that Frozen. I’ve always been a background type of person and I’ve masked for that long it feels like that’s who I am. Really confusing 

I would like to try to unmask but people at school make fun of me enough for my best "normal" self, so I have no idea how bad it would get if I was myself. I like to think when I graduate then I could unmask more because people would hopefully be more mature and be okay with it. But im afraid that I would have masked so long that I would just automatically go into mask mode whenever I go into public. 

But it is the most annoying thing when people say "just be yourself". Be yourself might work for the charismatic confident fun people but not people like me

I would be happy with a middle ground personally. Yes I’m struggling to keep up with all the NT’s in the world and it costs me  dearly. That said I have no one around me I can really relate to other than my 8yr old son. He doesn’t know he’s autistic and doesn’t know that I’m very possibly autistic. I’m surrounded by people I don’t really understand. I think it would take a massive amount of bravery to be able to say exactly what you want to say to someone. I’m hoping someday I can get to that point but for now I have no real option but to just continue with fitting in. Sad but true 

i just still be me.... if the world rejects me, which i feel it has alot.... then i react how i usually react lol .... usually in a fiery angry escalatory way. but yet that is me authentic, a authentic reaction. dont tone yourself down, if you feel disrespected by a institution or a boss or something and looked down upon react how you feel necessary... to me id make them feel that way, make them feel the way you do, stand my ground as if i count for as many who is against me... if the entire world is against me then i fight as if i am equally a entire world myself so its a equal fight lol the more against you the harder you go, the louder you go.

although this can get you in trouble, but i feel its better to live and die by how you are and your ideals rather than to survive and cave in to others. i tell my boss the absolute truth and opinions, if he doesnt like them he can fire me, others would be scared of saying the stuff i have said to him. but i have sorta a impulsivity or something that makes me not care about survival sometimes so i can blurt things out and get real fiery, then i have a time when i think and have sense and be like.... bruh, if you lose this job you never get one again as it was pure luck getting a job in the first place, which then makes me stressed i guess but i still spartan up and stick to my ideals and views. im transparent honest and blunt and view everyone as a equal human, so yeah this causes issues with authority figures that think their authority makes them count as more than a single human or above any other human.

JT said:

But if you have done this and always found the real you is rejected how on earth are you meant to live in the world authentically?

It depends what you're doing, there's social conduct to keep in mind as part of polite society. These days you get those tabloid readers who are proud to "I say it as it is, me" thinking they're being heroic in the name of free speech, while showcasing zero tact. 

Other people have issues with guys like that (as it usually is men) because they're just obnoxious. Although they misinterpret that natural reaction as "snowflakes" and all that nonsense, so ramp up their "saying it as it is me" in return. Then people just tire of them and leave them to it. And in their brains they become lone warriors in the name of defending society. 

My advice - find a balancing act.

It's not difficult, really, just be polite and pleasant to people. Have a sense of humour. And be tolerant (unless you're dealing with someone intolerant - that's the paradox of tolerance thesis in action).

But if the people you're being nice to don't reciprocate that, you need to find better people to hang around with.

Quite the opposite for me, since my diagnosis I've been much more myself and I'm comfortable unmasking to a certain extent. Made friends in the process, have been very popular at work, and I've reconnected with family members. 

What are you doing when you unmask? If you're stimming such as rocking or hand flapping then, yes, many people will be a bit alarmed. It's just a balancing act. Do 70% unmasking or whatnot.

Everyone masks to some extent, ASD or otherwise. Most blokes, for example, would want to lounge around in their underpants at work while drinking beer. They don't do that as people would find it bizarre. 

JT said:

if you have done this and always found the real you is rejected how on earth are you meant to live in the world authentically?

I can spend a lot of time with just my dog for company, which helps to offset the outside world. That's how I cope with living authentically, although most of that is not in the 'real' world. 

I consider myself fortunate, in that I have space, now, and don't have to share it with anyone. I didn't expect to be in this position, and am grateful for it.

At work, I expect to have to mask, otherwise I will be rejected- and honestly, I probably will be anyway, because try as I might, NTs can always tell I'm not like them. Constant rejection used to upset me so much. At least now I understand why I'm not like them.

Having said that, in my new job I work with autistic students and also, it turns out, have colleagues who believe themselves to be ND - most likely true, since they're the people I get on with best! Neither is seeking diagnosis, for different reasons. It's amazing how much I seem to have in common with one of them. Perhaps I might even make a new friend, although it's early days.

So I'm in a good place in life, I think. 

But it hasn't ever been like this before. It's been very difficult in fact. 

It's easy to see that a lot of ignorance and misconception exists in the public view of autism - and unless this changes, we're likely to face social rejection unless we mask, I think. 

And it should change! Why should we not feel able to be our authentic selves - at least to the extent that NTs can? 

.  You will remember it ,but they will care very little

I think that's true, yes. 

However, it took me a long time to realise it. 

Do other people care? As much as you think that they do? Trying comedy is a good example.   You could completely bomb at comedy and NT's will have forgotten by the next day.  You will remember it ,but they will care very little.

I feel like a good way to explain it is, what would you do if nobody cared?

I would have probably given singing in public a go, or have tried improve comedy, or worn clothing I find in fancy dress shops mixed with fashionable items to juxtapose cultural expectations a bit.

But alas, as much as I could unmask and do these things, I know the judgement I would experience would be too agonising. So it's just easier to surpress those ideas and live a more introverted existence.

What would you do if nobody cared?

I  seem to be in constant conflict with some people but not with all people. I'd rather be this way than some milquetoast drone who manages to "get along".  But I also understand many people here have to engage with NT's way more often than I do.  I do behave more in the expected manner when I am social.  But it's only a slightly more toned down version of myself.  It depends who you are with and who you surround yourself with.

Ha ha, yes. I just read a post on Quora. Somebody asked what autistic people do when they’re alone in private and somebody answered “sleep”.

But I agree, when we’re adults we’ve been masking so long it’s an inherent part of who we are and it’s not easy to change.

I wish I could unmask. I have masked for so long that I’m struggling to figure out what I’m like without it. When I do start to figure it out I am looking forward to hopefully having more energy tbh I read somewhere that to try and unmask you need to pay attention to how you are when you’re alone. Problem is when I’m alone I’m that exhausted I don’t do anything. 
very frustrating 

Thanks guys, good to know I'm not totally alone in feeling this.

This may be a tangent, but I also think often we are some of the most sensitive people around too, so combining a '*** it' mentality and persisting with a diversive mentality or personality just doesn't go hand in hand. For me at least.

I chew over this moments for days and weeks afterwards making my anxiety high and social discomfort greater

I have come to the conclusion that my camouflaging is as much me as my autism. I just try not to get into situations where masking becomes exhausting, if it does become too uncomfortable, if I can, I make my excuses and leave.

I tend to soldier through it all regardless. I think the best thing about Autism is Autistic peoples resolute commitment to the truth as they see it.  Or course people will still see things differently and see different truths.  But I like myself and being me, ultimately.

Hi, JT. I understand exactly how you feel, as I often get called out for having worldviews that collide/clash with many other people's and also have difficulty when it comes to boundaries. 

Personally, I've found that trying to be as transparent about these issues with others as soon as possible is important to lessen the blow. If you need to fit in or coexist with specific people for specific reasons on a daily basis, like work/classmates, then I'd recommend that you explain to people that you struggle with social cues and may say things or act in a way that may upset them or make them uncomfortable, but that you do not do so deliberately. I've found that if I explain myself, people are more tolerant and lenient when you say something that could be considered insensitive. 

For friends or closer acquaintances, I think that establishing boundaries is important. Let them know that you struggle and that you don't mean any deliberate harm in making them feel uncomfortable, while also explaining that you may and to let you know when you do so. Open communication and mutual respect will help a lot in these cases, as well as being willing to apologise in the event that you accidentally cross a line. Any reasonable friend will forgive and forget. 

Of course, I struggle too, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I've found it easier to accept that I have thoughts, opinions and mannerisms that others might not agree with if I just remain transparent and respectful. One can't expect more from somebody than that, imo. 

I hope this helps, but don't worry if it doesn't, as I'm sure that others will be able to provide advice too. You're not alone in this, after all. 

I feel that there is too much pressure to be social. Some people just can't handle it.

The more different we are, the more we all sound the same. What constitutes a majority, these days? I feel that people are being pigeonholed into cliques. And it all begins in school.

Since my diagnosis I have learned that nobody wants to know I’m autistic and if I unmask at all a lot of people become very uncomfortable indeed.

It’s something I’m pondering about 2024. Do I continue living as I have to make everyone else comfortable - and thus live with chronic burnout - or do I say sod everyone, this is me, deal with it.

I don’t think I could survive another year of burnout.