My new girlfriend has Austism and...

Thank you for replying Peter.

My GF is currently going through therapy (self funded) and is working through her past history.  It takes it toll on her every time she has a session.

Thank you Pixel

Rosie Mod i think this comment here is against forum guidelines because its pretty negative and it implies that the person should ditch their partner, who is vulnerable and this advice will cause distress and maybe self harm if the person followed it. so i believe thats against the rules.

Yes that is true. Medication should always be administered gradually and monitored until you are settled and responding well.

OP, I understand the not knowing. I suffer intense deep depression and even now I don't know why. I've been through a lot and something must have hit. It does get easier. Stay strong. Positive vibes to you both right now.

so your advising this person to break up with their partner and cause distress and harm to their partner?
not very nice...

My very personal first hand experience I would say.

NT or ND, it doesn't matter. One must first raise the alarm, loud and wide, to your partner's therapist, other close friends and loved ones, some one else in a position to help the afflicted partner.I f you love them you will cry out for help.

–

This is not your bailiwick. The sooner you admit that to your self the sooner you can find your partner the actual help they need. There will be history you need to know to decide to stay or go but staying never ends well, NEVER.

–

If your partner is telling you they want to kill themselves they often want YOU to be the reason they do not. They are making you responsible for their very existence.That is a hostage situation, not a fair burden to place on anyone. It is time to leave, or become hostage to the situation.

–

This may sound harsh but the feeling of others cannot hold our own hostage. It is unhealthy, indeed fatal sometimes, for all involved.

Well something else to consider. You say her past relationships have been 'shocking' and she's been compleatly let down repeatedly. Maybe the depresions has a lot more to do with that. Some sort of represed trauma of neglect / abuse. I've known people with seriousy screwed up childhoods who acted like they'd delt with it and processed it but clearly they really hadn't and when it would all bubble up to the surface they'd self harm and atempt suciside and say they didn't understand why they do it. Some even to the point that they'd blocked out a lot of traumatic memories, but of course the memories are still there and bother them at night, sleeping etc.

I don't know but maybe your GF needs some sort of trauma counciling. Are her mental health team aware of her relationship / upbringing history?

Yeah, even the first weeks of taking antidepressants, there is a chance that a person will feel even more negative and have more intensified feelings of wanting to take their own life, which is why any kind of medication should be carefully monitored. 

The depression and self harm she suspects comes from the PMDD (a VERY severe form of PMS). But lately the self harm isn't offering any sort of mental relief.

Being autistic she is very clear about things.  Sometimes hurtfully clear, but I'm learning to get used to this.

The problem with the optimism idea is that it's a complete no-go. My GF has been let down so many times in the past by people saying and promising things that she's lost every single bit of faith in what people say and tells me that being optimistic about things is actually harmful for her.

How nice it would be to have a crystal ball for answers!

In the past the emergency services have been called to help her.

One of the biggest problems is that where she lives the mental health team hasn't helped.  I appreciate they will be busy but they never seem to grasp the seriousness of her situation - especially right now!

I don't live close enough either that I can just drive over and help which makes me feel pretty helpless a lot of times.

I have asked her to be honest and when she's in a calm mood we have fantastic conversations where we can really open up and help formulate things.

However there is so much information that I am forgetting some of it and I don't want to keep asking her because in my head it will seem I'm not learning anything.

I fully understand.  Thank you for replying.

I think one of the problems is she doesn't know why.  Yes she has had a difficult past (growing up and previous relationships were shocking in some instances) and this won't have helped.  I don't think it's any one thing although her medical conditions seem to be playing a more influential role in my opinion.

Depression is not an intrinsically autistic thing. Nor is self harm. To some extent you help a depressed autistic person in a very similar way to any other depressed person. One difference I have observed is that autistic people are much more likely to be able to say why they are depressed. The things that predispose autistic people to getting depressed are typically situational. The driving factors of depression are often extrinsic not intrinsic. (E.g. some people might say I’m depressed because I feel worthless, whereas an autistic person might be more likely to say I’m depressed because the world feels hopeless)

A lot of non-autistic people often struggle to articulate why they are depressed in my experience autistic people typically are well acquainted with the drivers of their depression. They just experience a degree of learned helplessness when it comes to doing anything about them. That’s often because the  people around them have repeatedly told them that they merely have a lot in life.

The best advice I can give you is to probably be a little less realistic than your girlfriend. I mean in terms of thinking how life could change for her. BE the optimist try and build towards a dream future even if you think that dream is unattainable there is zero chance that things are going to get better if there isn’t something to aim for. And it’s very difficult to get an autistic person to aim for a marginal improvement to their situation.

Are you able to discuss this with your GF when she is in a calmer, more stable mood?
When she's not feeling so desperate she may be able to point you in the right direction.

Don't be afraid from calling the emergency services if you feel that your GF is a risk of harming or worse.

I have been in a bad way several times (well, more than several times) over the past 3 years where I have either left the house with bad intentions or have been in an extremely fragile state at home. Each time my wife has called the Police or ambulance (or both) and the good news is that I'm still here today because of that. Whether the scenario has been me precariously hanging off the top floor of a multi-storey carpark or I have had a meltdown at home and am threatening my own safety or others with a knife.

Maybe ask her how she wants you to respond and what would be most helpful to her? 
Sometimes people just want to rant and vent and don’t want answers, suggestions or advice. I think it is always important to establish what she wants from you and how she thinks you can help her. Everyone is different and her needs are going to change massively depending on the situation. Eg. If I’m upset sometimes I want close physical contact, sometimes that would make it worse, sometimes I want advice, sometimes I sometimes i just want to be heard. 

Good evening NAS90435.  I reckon you need one of the kind "resource" emails from our volunteer mods......where they sign-post you to things that might be able to inform and enlighten you on "safe" and "conventional" and "liability assessed" advice for your situation.

Don't take it personally if not many people respond to you........we have been warned against giving advice on this type of thing.....it cuts too close to providing "medical advice" I suspect.

The mods (human moderators on this forum) tend not to work late or weekends cover can be patchy......so I would imagine it will be Monday before you hear.......so perhaps keep checking back.....they are normally pretty reliable.....eventually.

#clairemod

#karinmod

i dunno.... if someone told me they was depressed and want to kill themselves my first reaction back to them would be "why" as it just seems the logical step to ask why.