Published on 12, July, 2020
...ADHD and PMDD.
My girlfriend and I have had a mostly amazing start to our relationship, albeit with a few meltdowns and shutdowns along the way. As an NT person, I'm trying to understand as much as possible, but there are times where I feel completely useless (right now as I type this) because I don't know how to handle the situation properly or know the right things to say. Particularly when my GF tells me she's depressed and wants to kill herself.
I've been told that I'm not listening but I'm trying to. I don't feel like I have the tools to know what I have to do.
I know I can't ask someone to give me answers as that would be impossible, but I was hoping someone might be able to point me in the direction of where I can find information on the tools I need to deal with the tough situations. I want to be the man my GF needs me to be - I don't want to let her down.
Any help would be much appreciated!
Thank you.
Depression is not an intrinsically autistic thing. Nor is self harm. To some extent you help a depressed autistic person in a very similar way to any other depressed person. One difference I have observed is that autistic people are much more likely to be able to say why they are depressed. The things that predispose autistic people to getting depressed are typically situational. The driving factors of depression are often extrinsic not intrinsic. (E.g. some people might say I’m depressed because I feel worthless, whereas an autistic person might be more likely to say I’m depressed because the world feels hopeless)
A lot of non-autistic people often struggle to articulate why they are depressed in my experience autistic people typically are well acquainted with the drivers of their depression. They just experience a degree of learned helplessness when it comes to doing anything about them. That’s often because the people around them have repeatedly told them that they merely have a lot in life.
The best advice I can give you is to probably be a little less realistic than your girlfriend. I mean in terms of thinking how life could change for her. BE the optimist try and build towards a dream future even if you think that dream is unattainable there is zero chance that things are going to get better if there isn’t something to aim for. And it’s very difficult to get an autistic person to aim for a marginal improvement to their situation.
The depression and self harm she suspects comes from the PMDD (a VERY severe form of PMS). But lately the self harm isn't offering any sort of mental relief.
Being autistic she is very clear about things. Sometimes hurtfully clear, but I'm learning to get used to this.
The problem with the optimism idea is that it's a complete no-go. My GF has been let down so many times in the past by people saying and promising things that she's lost every single bit of faith in what people say and tells me that being optimistic about things is actually harmful for her.
How nice it would be to have a crystal ball for answers!
Well something else to consider. You say her past relationships have been 'shocking' and she's been compleatly let down repeatedly. Maybe the depresions has a lot more to do with that. Some sort of represed trauma of neglect / abuse. I've known people with seriousy screwed up childhoods who acted like they'd delt with it and processed it but clearly they really hadn't and when it would all bubble up to the surface they'd self harm and atempt suciside and say they didn't understand why they do it. Some even to the point that they'd blocked out a lot of traumatic memories, but of course the memories are still there and bother them at night, sleeping etc.
I don't know but maybe your GF needs some sort of trauma counciling. Are her mental health team aware of her relationship / upbringing history?
this will probably get worse before it gets better, as all the issues get dragged upto the surface. pasence and loving suport may be your key role for a while.
Thank you for replying Peter.
My GF is currently going through therapy (self funded) and is working through her past history. It takes it toll on her every time she has a session.