Dating

I would love your "problem." Being allowed to just exist in the world without people wanting to assault you.

I wish you could pass this “problem” on to me!

It seems like overkill (and kind of arrogant?) to say that to everyone I happen to hang out with. Also on the few occasions I have picked up on signs that there might be some ulterior motive and said that, the other person usually says "oh no that wasn't my intention don't worry" and then makes a pass later anyway.

I don't want there to be chemistry. I forget that things like that exist until someone ambushes me with it which keeps happening!

I don't want to kiss anyone. I am a bit obsessive about dental hygiene. Maybe I should reduce that a little before meeting up with people to try to put them off.

I've never dated. I love the idea of being with someone but the idea terrifies me and as I've never been able to make friends I don't see me having much luck with dating either. Lol.

For companionship I opted to adopting a cat. We spend time together, she's quiet, she never judges and I can talk to her about anything and she'll just sit with me. The perfect friend for me.

If things change in the future i.e the crippling anxiety I get, then I'm hoping I can have a relationship with someone but for now I'm happy as I am.

Hopefully things will change for you and you will find the man or woman of your dreams. You've been given some good advice so hopefully it will work for you.

Thank you so much!

Yeah, when it does lead to something good it makes it worth going through if that makes sense? And I really hope that you are able to connect with someone too when you are ready. 

I listen to a podcast which has massively helped me with my anxiety and panic attacks so if you listen to podcasts I definitely reccomend it. It is called The Anxious Truth and Drew the guy who runs it also has another one called Disordered with Josh. Both take a similar approach but Disordered takes a softer approach. I've only just started Disordered myself. 

Congratulations on your engagement!!! I hope you will both continue to be very happy together.

I'm sorry you've had bad experiences before but I'm glad that it's led you to a great experience and marriage coming up. 

Life is full of so many experiences good and bad, but I love it when the bad ones lead to something good. You just feel amazing and triumph that you got through it to such a great place.

Really am very happy for you.

I wouldn't know the difference between that either. I'm sorry that must be so uncomfortable and frightening to go through.

I guess upon first meeting you can say that you're just here to hang out and chat casually, that way the person you're with would know how things stand with you. What's obvious to us isn't always obvious to neurotypicals so it can be helpful to explain to them sometimes.

Hello Iain,

Thank you for the books suggestions and for the helpful reply. I do appreciate it as right now I feel very alone and not sure what to do or who to turn to for help.

Being autistic can be a lonely thing and world with few people who really understand how it is.

I had a therapist before but she didn't really understand my autism and one of the first things she said to me was. "Don't worry we can cure your autism". Not really what I was hoping for when getting a therapist. I saw her a couple of times but eventually stopped going as it was making me very anxious and she wasn't especially helpful.

I'm on the waiting list to see another but so far I've not heard anymore on my new therapist.

Thanks again. In the meantime I'll try to get some of those books, I think they will be helpful and I find reading a helpful approach for a lot of things so hopefully those books will be available on Kindle as that's what I read on.

MrSolo said:

I don't know how your supposed to tell something is a date vs hanging out.

Asking is a blunt but effective way to find out. Oh and make sure you have brushed your teeth and used mouthwash please - bad breath is a terrible turn off.

Just say something like "hey, I feel there is some chemistry here but I didn't want to hurt the friendship unless you feel the same - how do you feel about it?"

This is direct (while also being subtle enough not to elicit a strong negative response if you mis-read things), is open ended so they then do the talking (or if they behave shy, making eyes at you then it is an invite for you to compliment them more and move things along slowly) and asks them to show their feelings which is typically one of the hardest things for us to gague.

If you think the time is right to move in for a kiss, it is always worth giving them a heads up - just say quietly but confidently  "I'm going to kiss you now" as you lean in, but be prepared for some resistance and don't be offended by it. This can be part of the "game" where you need to talk to them more, complimement them and generally try to win them over before "earning" the kiss.

It isn't called the dating game for nothing...

The rewards outweigh the work to learn the rules and suffer a few rejections however.

I have but never deliberately. What happens over and over again is that I think I've made a friend and then suddenly they're trying to stick their tongue down my throat. I don't know how your supposed to tell something is a date vs hanging out.

Katycat said:

In those years I've never dated anyone. I don't have any friends. I hardly go out and I'm so anxious all the time.

I won't sugar coat it - you will find the process quite challening I expect.

There are loads of unspoken social rules in the neurotypical world of dating, lots of silly exchanges, behavioral norms and stuff that plenty of other NTs get wrong themselves.

I think your best approach is a two pronged one, one to deal with your anxiety and one to deal with your social relations.

Educating yourse on how to control your anxiety better is likely to be the most important otherwise any social interactions can be awkward at best, traumatic at worst. To do this I recommend starting with this book:

Asperger Syndrome and Anxiety - A Guide to Successful Stress Management - Nick Dubin (2009)
ISBN 9781843108955

Next to understand the social interactions there is a longer process, starting with reading a bit more:

Social Skills for Teenagers and Adults with Asperger Syndrome - A Practical Guide to Day-to-day Life - Nancy J., Ph.D. Patrick (2008)
ISBN 9781843108764

and

Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Grandin, Temple, Barron, Sean (2017)
ISBN 9781941765388

Once you are able to navigate socially and find friends (and keep them - this is the tricky bit) then you are probably ready to try dating - if possible try to date someone with experience of autism as the rejection we often experience from the uninformed can be most unpleasant.

Before launching into this, yet more reading will help you know what you are getting yourself into:

The Asperger Love Guide - A Practical Guide for Adults with Asperger's Syndrome to Seeking, Establishing and Maintaining Successful Relationships - Genevieve Edmonds, Dean Worton (2005)
ISBN 141291910X

An Aspie's Guide to Intimacy, Dating, Sex and Marriage - Attwood, Tony, Evans, Craig R., Lesko, Anita (2015)
eISBN 9781784501273

IT is quite possible to have a normal dating life, but the more pronounced your social isolation has been the more of a gap you have to overcome so you will need patience and persistance. A good support network is also helpful and we are here to provide that if you are willing to talk and ask for help.

Expect way more failures and successes but just keep getting back on that horse and learn from your mistakes. Dating nowadays is a bit like using most social media apps - people don't have much patience and are looking for a connection straight away otherwise they are moving on mentally to the next partner withing 10 minutes of the first date. Understand that reality and don't take it personally.

As The Crow Lady says a therapist is also very helpful. They need to have experience of autism so check this when sourcing one.

I have dated and I'm currently engaged to get married next year. I've been with my fiancé almost 8 years it will be 8 years next month. And while I cherish my current relationship and I love what we have, dating was difficult to say the least. I used a few dating apps and meeting people off of them was anxiety inducing which made things uncomfortable but not impossible. On top of that I met a variety of people who weren't always the nicest. I have a few failed relationships behind me and a few bad experiences. 

My advice would be to consider therapy to help with your anxiety a little first, which could make this experience that little bit easier.