Dating

The thing is I meet a lot of new people. It feels really presumptuous to say this to every person. And like I said, when someone is clearly giving off vibes and I say that, it tends to result in them ferociously denying it and then coming onto to me again a few weeks later. Mostly these days I cut contact as much as possible with anyone in that camp.

Iain said:

Oh and make sure you have brushed your teeth and used mouthwash please - bad breath is a terrible turn off.

This has reminded me of an ex-boyfriend I was briefly involved with...

He didn't have any teeth of his own and seemed to be of the opinion that oral hygiene didn't apply to him. In addition to being a heavy smoker, he was also rather fond of the strongest cans of lager he could get his hands on.

The combination of stale tobacco and extra-strength lager on his breath was absolutely revolting and made me less inclined to let him get close enough to kiss me. I can remember broaching the topic of his foul-smelling breath, and suggesting as politely as I could that he invest in some mouthwash, some mints, or mint-flavoured gum.

Eventually, he finally took on board what I had been trying to tell him about the importance of good oral hygiene, and realised just how much of a turn-off his bad breath was.

MrSolo said:

I don't want there to be chemistry.

In that case I would tell them up front - I'm not after a date so please stay firmly in the friend zone and we will have a great time.

Get a cat. You won't regret it!

Just be prepared for it to bring in dead mice, jump on you, ruin some of your furniture and clothes. . . depending on its temperament.

I'm lucky to have a calm little cat, she likes to sleep most of the time and cuddles up to me at night.

As I'm sure you know, ASD affects us all differently. Whilst I have social anxieties, I can usually cope okay one-to-one with people. 

However, I think my ability to form friendships is down to luck more than anything else. 

lol, I could tell some horror stories from the opposite side....

I can laugh about this now, but as you seem to think dating has never been so easy for women, I thought I would share this somewhat humiliating experience...

Many, many years ago I had joined a dating site, and was somewhat surprised when I was contacted by another female member offering me some advice.  In her opinion, what I had written in my profile didn't sound exciting enough for any potential suitors. Because I had mentioned one of my interests/hobbies, this apparently made me sound too 'mumsy' and boring.

To add insult to injury, this woman then proceeded to tell me at length what my profile should say. The result was a profile that didn't accurately describe me. Did it result in more men expressing an interest? In a word, no. 

If I managed to get as far as a first date, it was rare that it ever resulted in a second date. I was at least grateful to the men who had the decency to be honest and say, "I'm sorry, but I just don't feel there is any chemistry between us."

It was set up by a UK charity and I think it was aimed at the UK autistic community initially. However I guess once on the app stores anyone can find it.

There does seem to be very little awareness or mention of it on here since it was launched.

I just signed up for that app. Everyone on it appears to be in the USA 

I used to date, many years ago, when society was still working. People used to have big acquaintances circles, intersecting with each other. For example, you used to know 10 people from the gym. One of your gym acquaintances also attended the church, and had a female acquaintance that you liked. You asked your gym mate to introduce you to her, and he arranged a meeting after assuring both of them that the other was a decent person.

This way, even if there was no compatibility both people were encouraged to behave decently to not be ostracized by their social circles. 

Now, "Tinderization" is a reality. Everybody treats all social interactions like a Tinder match and have no qualms in lying, ghosting and behaving like spoiled brats. Thanks God I gave up dating 15 years ago, if I had to find a companion now I would have no idea what to do. 

There is the Autistic Empathy app that was mentioned on here when it launched last year.

https://www.actionforaspergers.org/autistic-empathy-app/

It is completely free and they are very strict on proof of identity to try to ensure safety.

I believe it is for friendship as well as dating. When I signed up very briefly last year that wasn't working well and users were being messaged about dating when they had specified friendship only in their profile. Hopefully things will have improved since the strict id verification was introduced.

I cannot vouch for it personally. I only signed up briefly out of curiosity and when I didn't send the required id my account got deleted automatically. 

There's also one called Hiki but I think that is worldwide and therefore will be harder to find local matches.

just don't forget: first date in a public place, possibly in a pub during the day. Ask for help from the staff if you feel unsafe. Make sure to not disclose any private info and to use an username that cannot be traced to your identity. Free dating sites are less safe than dating sites you pay for.

A few years ago I tried to sign up for eHarmony. Once I had completed their questionnaire I got an email telling me their algorithm wouldn’t work for people like me.

I’d have burned them down that day if I could.

Sorry I only just got the notification for your message.

Thanks hah when I get my anxiety in a better place I have your six step guide to take me to happiness.

How did you make friends what's your secret?  Sometimes I feel like I'm the worst person in the world because it feels like no one ever wants to be my friend. I'm so socially awkward though I think I don't try that hard, or maybe I overthink it and that's what goes wrong. Then I wonder if I'd be able to keep a friend. Relationships of any kind are so stressful and I think about it all the time wondering if I could do it.

I'm sorry you've had disasters over the years. But I'm glad you've had friends you could turn to. Everyone needs someone to turn to, I've got the Samaritans ha but a proper friend would be better.

I did check out local groups a while ago but nothing appealed to me. I'm keeping my eyes peeled for anything that I might enjoy and hopefully it will lead to something.

Thank you. I hope so and I hope things work out for you as well in the end.

I might just forget it and get a cat instead hah all this thinking about dating is exhausting me already and I haven't even started yet.

I'll never understand neurotypicals they are so strange. I wish there was autistic dating apps, it would make dating a lot easier for me and probably for a lot of others on the spectrum.

I will be 49 this year and have to confess that I am somewhat out of touch with the world of dating, partly due to health issues and decreased confidence. However, during my late teens, 20s, and 30s, I was no stranger to it.

In my experience, although dating can be fun and enjoyable, it can also be rather stressful due to so many unwritten rules that one is apparently meant to know. Things may have changed, but if one happened to be female, one of the rules was to play 'hard to get' because it was all about the 'thrill of the chase'. For example, if one had seen or spoken with the person one was dating, one had to wait at least a couple of days before having any further contact with them, so as not to appear too keen. Personally, I considered some of the unspoken rules to be rather ridiculous and unnecessary.

One thing that proved to be invaluable to me when I was dating was having at least one trusted friend. Having notched up a fair few dating disasters and failed relationships, my friends were the ones who provided me with a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on, and basically helped to put me back together again when I was left feeling broken-hearted.

For now, my advice would be to focus on trying to establish at least one trusted friendship, before rushing into the world of dating.

1) open a profile on a dating site

2) put a decent picture

3) put a description (optional)

4) Go for a walk, be outside for about one hour. Leave the phone at home.

5) Go back home, open the app.

6) Choose one (or more) of the hundreds of message you received.

Dating has never been so easy in history (for women).

I find being all alone in the world completely pointless, lonely and alienating.