Dating

Katycat said:

In those years I've never dated anyone. I don't have any friends. I hardly go out and I'm so anxious all the time.

I won't sugar coat it - you will find the process quite challening I expect.

There are loads of unspoken social rules in the neurotypical world of dating, lots of silly exchanges, behavioral norms and stuff that plenty of other NTs get wrong themselves.

I think your best approach is a two pronged one, one to deal with your anxiety and one to deal with your social relations.

Educating yourse on how to control your anxiety better is likely to be the most important otherwise any social interactions can be awkward at best, traumatic at worst. To do this I recommend starting with this book:

Asperger Syndrome and Anxiety - A Guide to Successful Stress Management - Nick Dubin (2009)
ISBN 9781843108955

Next to understand the social interactions there is a longer process, starting with reading a bit more:

Social Skills for Teenagers and Adults with Asperger Syndrome - A Practical Guide to Day-to-day Life - Nancy J., Ph.D. Patrick (2008)
ISBN 9781843108764

and

Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Grandin, Temple, Barron, Sean (2017)
ISBN 9781941765388

Once you are able to navigate socially and find friends (and keep them - this is the tricky bit) then you are probably ready to try dating - if possible try to date someone with experience of autism as the rejection we often experience from the uninformed can be most unpleasant.

Before launching into this, yet more reading will help you know what you are getting yourself into:

The Asperger Love Guide - A Practical Guide for Adults with Asperger's Syndrome to Seeking, Establishing and Maintaining Successful Relationships - Genevieve Edmonds, Dean Worton (2005)
ISBN 141291910X

An Aspie's Guide to Intimacy, Dating, Sex and Marriage - Attwood, Tony, Evans, Craig R., Lesko, Anita (2015)
eISBN 9781784501273

IT is quite possible to have a normal dating life, but the more pronounced your social isolation has been the more of a gap you have to overcome so you will need patience and persistance. A good support network is also helpful and we are here to provide that if you are willing to talk and ask for help.

Expect way more failures and successes but just keep getting back on that horse and learn from your mistakes. Dating nowadays is a bit like using most social media apps - people don't have much patience and are looking for a connection straight away otherwise they are moving on mentally to the next partner withing 10 minutes of the first date. Understand that reality and don't take it personally.

As The Crow Lady says a therapist is also very helpful. They need to have experience of autism so check this when sourcing one.

Katycat said:

In those years I've never dated anyone. I don't have any friends. I hardly go out and I'm so anxious all the time.

I won't sugar coat it - you will find the process quite challening I expect.

There are loads of unspoken social rules in the neurotypical world of dating, lots of silly exchanges, behavioral norms and stuff that plenty of other NTs get wrong themselves.

I think your best approach is a two pronged one, one to deal with your anxiety and one to deal with your social relations.

Educating yourse on how to control your anxiety better is likely to be the most important otherwise any social interactions can be awkward at best, traumatic at worst. To do this I recommend starting with this book:

Asperger Syndrome and Anxiety - A Guide to Successful Stress Management - Nick Dubin (2009)
ISBN 9781843108955

Next to understand the social interactions there is a longer process, starting with reading a bit more:

Social Skills for Teenagers and Adults with Asperger Syndrome - A Practical Guide to Day-to-day Life - Nancy J., Ph.D. Patrick (2008)
ISBN 9781843108764

and

Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism - Grandin, Temple, Barron, Sean (2017)
ISBN 9781941765388

Once you are able to navigate socially and find friends (and keep them - this is the tricky bit) then you are probably ready to try dating - if possible try to date someone with experience of autism as the rejection we often experience from the uninformed can be most unpleasant.

Before launching into this, yet more reading will help you know what you are getting yourself into:

The Asperger Love Guide - A Practical Guide for Adults with Asperger's Syndrome to Seeking, Establishing and Maintaining Successful Relationships - Genevieve Edmonds, Dean Worton (2005)
ISBN 141291910X

An Aspie's Guide to Intimacy, Dating, Sex and Marriage - Attwood, Tony, Evans, Craig R., Lesko, Anita (2015)
eISBN 9781784501273

IT is quite possible to have a normal dating life, but the more pronounced your social isolation has been the more of a gap you have to overcome so you will need patience and persistance. A good support network is also helpful and we are here to provide that if you are willing to talk and ask for help.

Expect way more failures and successes but just keep getting back on that horse and learn from your mistakes. Dating nowadays is a bit like using most social media apps - people don't have much patience and are looking for a connection straight away otherwise they are moving on mentally to the next partner withing 10 minutes of the first date. Understand that reality and don't take it personally.

As The Crow Lady says a therapist is also very helpful. They need to have experience of autism so check this when sourcing one.

Hello Iain,

Thank you for the books suggestions and for the helpful reply. I do appreciate it as right now I feel very alone and not sure what to do or who to turn to for help.

Being autistic can be a lonely thing and world with few people who really understand how it is.

I had a therapist before but she didn't really understand my autism and one of the first things she said to me was. "Don't worry we can cure your autism". Not really what I was hoping for when getting a therapist. I saw her a couple of times but eventually stopped going as it was making me very anxious and she wasn't especially helpful.

I'm on the waiting list to see another but so far I've not heard anymore on my new therapist.

Thanks again. In the meantime I'll try to get some of those books, I think they will be helpful and I find reading a helpful approach for a lot of things so hopefully those books will be available on Kindle as that's what I read on.