Are you conscious of how you come across to others?

In the police they have a phrase, that is little-enjoyed but  well-considered, ‘When you join the police they ask for ask integrity, when you are in the police they demand your loyalty’.

So I suppose that loyalty in and of itself isn’t a bad thing, but it can be turned to bad-ends and can be blinding in its extremes, so over a life-lived with loyalty-demanding-types.

I find that people have no need for loyalty if they just do the right-thing whilst no one is watching, if someone is doing the wrong-thing and demands that you cover them, they may not be deserving of loyalty in its demanding. Obviously their are exceptional circumstances, but I have found those circumstances to be the exception, such as in instances of malice or faith..

I agree with you, Pegg- loyalty is great but needs to be earned. I don't think I'd manage to conform even if I tried, so I just don't bother!

Loyalty is important I think, but it has to be earned and you feel it, or you don't. Conformity... hopefully we get to a place in society where there is less requirement for rigid conformity, generally speaking..

You are a goodun Pegg.

I would be fine with the world if integrity and kindness was all they were asking for, but they always have to follow-up by demanding loyalty and conformity, they always have to as for more..

I perceive you as an appealingly-artistic-autist.. there you go.. you have a triple A-rating..:)

Social exposure, being over-peopled... it's because it takes a conscious effort all the time, it's exhausting... 

Remote comms, much less stressful..

And people are so surprised when I overload, by saying that I am 0-90 in a second, but I’m not I’ve just been picking up the slack to well for them to notice, and then they’re surprised that the tax is due..

I think that eye-contact is an skill that I actively-use, I don’t passively look at others or need to, so for me trying to maintain eye-contact over time is multi-tasking.

If I’m trying to look into my minds-eye and the small-talkers eye at the same time, it takes a tremendous-amount of energy to keep doing both, to a degree that the other person can be appeased.

Sometimes it is just a reasonable-adjustment for the other person, to manage the appeasements by overlooking or take-care-of the niceties, so that I can stay in flow..

No, not at all.. the only thing that matters to me in conversation with others or with myself, is that it is interesting, or within my procedural-memory’s protocols. I can’t understand myself or others at face value, because once I have the thread of interest, I don’t seem to perceive the environment at all.

Sometimes I just say something facetious or self-deprecating in a conversation, just in the process of trying to appease the room and I realise that everyone agrees with what I’ve said, then I have to make an interest of informing my new-reality.

I have found over-time that I can only really mask to a degree, because as soon as my interest takes over, it takes effort from others who-can-be-bothered to recover the subject. I have found that it is fruitless to interact and form relationships, with people who do not find that appealing or novel, its best to just prepare for the suitable-opportunity.

Confidence will only get you that last 10% of the way to a social-result, so if you are 90% away, there’s very-little use in expending your energy for a lost-cause.

You've lost everything except the valuable human life that you are. What you have experienced is unimaginable for most of us.

I hope you can fight back with an 'ok life you've thrown your worst at me but I've survived' attitude. Indeed it sounds like that is already happening for you.

That mask is something you don't want to replace. It was hiding that 'shiny happy person' all these years. 

Best wishes and I hope you get support to start rebuilding your life.

I used to be yes, very much so indeed. I wasted my teens and twenties worrying about what other people thought of me. Looking back I regret that, I wish I had spent more time living and enjoying myself rather than worrying what others thought of me.

I am. I am extremely self conscious of how others perceive me and spend the rest of the day beating myself up for saying the wrong thing or not acting right. I'm sure that's why I started self harming because of worrying what others thought about me. Now I try to keep my head down and get on with life... It's led to social anxiety, I don't have much to do with people.

I am very sorry to hear about your loss of everything - stuff wise.  That must be very.....well, to be honest...I have no idea whatsoever !!  The thought of it makes me feel "weird" at best and panicked at worst.

I guess you have no option but to keep on, keeping on.  Dancing and singing sounds like a great idea - defo the RIGHT thing to do.

I'm a bit lost for words to be honest, but I didn't want your news to be met with silence.  I suspect that many of us here in the (relatively) stable UK cannot begin to fathom your current situation.

For what its worth, I send you my very best wishes at this undoubtedly manic and very unsettled time.  I hope you keep dipping your toe in here for some autistic sanity.

With condolences for all your stuff,

Number.

Great post battybats..

I have often experienced similar - if you don't talk you're condemned as aloof, superior, condescending, standoffish..

If you do talk.. pretty much the same..

How do you win? 

No clue. I've given up trying to fit in, finally I can't be someone I'm  not.

I am honest and try always to act with integrity and kindness - that will have to do. 

And if it isn't enough for some people- oh well...

I am... fairly conscious of how I come across to others, yes. Not from being told directly, but from the way people have treated me and the things they've said that eventually got back to me.

I know that people who are inclined to think the worst of others and/or who are very keen for everyone to conform find me aloof and condescending. I don't really know why, and I don't understand how I can be condescending if I'm not talking to people! But those are things I've been told- the NT assumption seems to be that if I keep myself to myself it's because I think I'm better than everyone else, and if I give people info to try and be helpful it must be because I think I'm smarter than everyone else. Neither of those things is true. I just try to be helpful, get completely misunderstood, and then shy away from trying to interact any more.

I know that people often judge me by the way I dress too- the combination of all-black clothing, tattoos, dyed hair, and this 'thinks she's better than everyone else' vibe I'm apparently giving off tends to make people think of me as 'the scary witch lady'. In my university halls of residence, the other girls with rooms near mine called me Scary Mary (my name's not Mary lol) and it was really hurtful to me because I wasn't doing anything scary, I just looked different to them and listened to different music. It's not like I was sacrificing bunnies on the kitchen table!

I have to say though, at this point in my life I don't care any more if 'normal' people think of me this badly. If they're making negative assumptions about my intent based on nothing but 'vibes' that's entirely on them, I'm not responsible for their feelings. As long as the people whose opinions I actually value are trying to understand, that's all that matters.

I can present as suave and refined but it costs me. I learn by imitation. I will afterwards feel that the people who had seen me as such will expect it next time I see them and I may end up avoiding them for all that.

I constantly monitor how I'm doing in most social interactions, watching for reactions or cues which are hard to spot.

recently Ive tried to just let flow as flow flows. Ive been in a wildfire and lost everything so it feels somehow okey to drop all masking and let myself just be.

I find I just don't care and have nothing left to defend, anticipate or protect.

I sang "shiny Happy People" and some other songs ( I sing as a stim) in the costco line and just couldn't find it in myself to care if I was out of line (haha; inline,out of line). there was some dancing. It felt good.

I am close to 70 yrs old so perhaps that's a factor; a life time of masking - maybe the mask burned up in the fire!

Just wanted to say I loved this reply, Number. You're a legend. 

OK, so you couldn't have phrased that more negatively - even if you tried !

Self-loathing is something I understand.  Over half a decade of it under my belt, mate !!

Don't panic, I'm not one of those endlessly cheerful folk who can blind themselves to patent realities.

Many people find me very strange too.  I don't think that, I know that, because some people have been kind enough to tell me.

People generally give me a wide berth too....but I quite like that.  Space is good !

I am very often alone too....but I quite like that.  Space is good !

My ability / propensity to "flip" between different voices and persona s can, on occasion, scare people half to death.....they think I'm a bit mental....and I have to agree !!  Couple that with an intensity that I struggle to switch off if something interests me......and I'm the Freakman 2.0 in chaos mode !

I prefer not to explain my particular autistic flavour, because frankly, I don't think it would make a blind bit of difference.  It isn't particularly relevant - I am who I am and I know that 95% of people will want to keep away.

I have no clue how old you are NAS88612, but I suspect you are nowhere near as old as me - I'm nearer to an old age death than to my birth.  Accordingly, allow me to shine just a wee tiny bit of hope in your direction, because;

Whilst most people are judgey, self-righteous and blinkered saddos, there is also a surprising rich thin vein of "real" people, who notice all of that "different stuff" that affects us both ....but those people just look straight past it because they know that, beneath it, there is another "real" human who is probably a bit special and definitely far more interesting than the "average" human.  You only need to find one such person every 5 years or so, and by the time you reach your first grey pube, you'll be able to have a party with all your friends !!

Try to keep your attitude and mindset ready for when someone actually sees "you" inside.  You don't want to have become so jaded and miserable that all they will see is sadness and woe?!

So you think people only see or perceive a weirdo.....I didn't !  I thought, "how nice, an honest clear and "real" sounding bloke (I love direct language).

Keep the faith brother - don't say "everyone" say "most" - and don't call it a "death" sentence (that's wrong)...but it is a "life" sentence.  Life is good, you just need to be patient to find that life and the right people to share it with.

Stick around.  Nice to meet you.

Kind regards

Number.

I think others find me very strange. I'm always alone, never seen with anyone else. I'm a ghost. People give me a wide birth, the public, neighbours, extended family. I was never conscious how others perceived me until recently but I prefered it when I was ignorant. I have a strange autistic voice, incorrect tone, direct language, too serious. Mannerisms - creepy staring, strange or innapropriate smiling at women. If it couldn't get any worse I sound like a nasally gay man, which is fine if you're a gay man. Autism's a death sentence.