Published on 12, July, 2020
In my case, many have told me that I have made them feel uncomfortable so I've really had to look at myself.
I've never intended to, but I think me being so closed off emotionally (masking perhaps) plus a lot of bad habits didn't really help. I've spilled my guts to people I didn't know very well, and have probed people for personal info sometimes. I regret all of that and am a lot more aware of how I come across, as well as what's appropriate and what's not.
I started looking at how Ed Sheeran speaks and conducts himself in interviews. He'll be the first to admit that he's not the most expressive man in the world but I always think he has a coolness and swagger when he speaks and I wish I had that, but I'm basically masking if I try and emulate him.
The people who used to be in my life would probably describe me as quite expressive sometimes, even though my sense of humour has always been quite dry (another something which doesn't help perhaps?).
I guess it's just about finding that confidence.
I can present as suave and refined but it costs me. I learn by imitation. I will afterwards feel that the people who had seen me as such will expect it next time I see them and I may end up avoiding them for all that.
I constantly monitor how I'm doing in most social interactions, watching for reactions or cues which are hard to spot.
recently Ive tried to just let flow as flow flows. Ive been in a wildfire and lost everything so it feels somehow okey to drop all masking and let myself just be.
I find I just don't care and have nothing left to defend, anticipate or protect.
I sang "shiny Happy People" and some other songs ( I sing as a stim) in the costco line and just couldn't find it in myself to care if I was out of line (haha; inline,out of line). there was some dancing. It felt good.
I am close to 70 yrs old so perhaps that's a factor; a life time of masking - maybe the mask burned up in the fire!
You've lost everything except the valuable human life that you are. What you have experienced is unimaginable for most of us.
I hope you can fight back with an 'ok life you've thrown your worst at me but I've survived' attitude. Indeed it sounds like that is already happening for you.
That mask is something you don't want to replace. It was hiding that 'shiny happy person' all these years.
Best wishes and I hope you get support to start rebuilding your life.
I am very sorry to hear about your loss of everything - stuff wise. That must be very.....well, to be honest...I have no idea whatsoever !! The thought of it makes me feel "weird" at best and panicked at worst.
I guess you have no option but to keep on, keeping on. Dancing and singing sounds like a great idea - defo the RIGHT thing to do.
I'm a bit lost for words to be honest, but I didn't want your news to be met with silence. I suspect that many of us here in the (relatively) stable UK cannot begin to fathom your current situation.
For what its worth, I send you my very best wishes at this undoubtedly manic and very unsettled time. I hope you keep dipping your toe in here for some autistic sanity.
With condolences for all your stuff,
Number.