Published on 12, July, 2020
In my case, many have told me that I have made them feel uncomfortable so I've really had to look at myself.
I've never intended to, but I think me being so closed off emotionally (masking perhaps) plus a lot of bad habits didn't really help. I've spilled my guts to people I didn't know very well, and have probed people for personal info sometimes. I regret all of that and am a lot more aware of how I come across, as well as what's appropriate and what's not.
I started looking at how Ed Sheeran speaks and conducts himself in interviews. He'll be the first to admit that he's not the most expressive man in the world but I always think he has a coolness and swagger when he speaks and I wish I had that, but I'm basically masking if I try and emulate him.
The people who used to be in my life would probably describe me as quite expressive sometimes, even though my sense of humour has always been quite dry (another something which doesn't help perhaps?).
I guess it's just about finding that confidence.
I think others find me very strange. I'm always alone, never seen with anyone else. I'm a ghost. People give me a wide birth, the public, neighbours, extended family. I was never conscious how others perceived me until recently but I prefered it when I was ignorant. I have a strange autistic voice, incorrect tone, direct language, too serious. Mannerisms - creepy staring, strange or innapropriate smiling at women. If it couldn't get any worse I sound like a nasally gay man, which is fine if you're a gay man. Autism's a death sentence.
OK, so you couldn't have phrased that more negatively - even if you tried !
Self-loathing is something I understand. Over half a decade of it under my belt, mate !!
Don't panic, I'm not one of those endlessly cheerful folk who can blind themselves to patent realities.
Many people find me very strange too. I don't think that, I know that, because some people have been kind enough to tell me.
People generally give me a wide berth too....but I quite like that. Space is good !
I am very often alone too....but I quite like that. Space is good !
My ability / propensity to "flip" between different voices and persona s can, on occasion, scare people half to death.....they think I'm a bit mental....and I have to agree !! Couple that with an intensity that I struggle to switch off if something interests me......and I'm the Freakman 2.0 in chaos mode !
I prefer not to explain my particular autistic flavour, because frankly, I don't think it would make a blind bit of difference. It isn't particularly relevant - I am who I am and I know that 95% of people will want to keep away.
I have no clue how old you are NAS88612, but I suspect you are nowhere near as old as me - I'm nearer to an old age death than to my birth. Accordingly, allow me to shine just a wee tiny bit of hope in your direction, because;
Whilst most people are judgey, self-righteous and blinkered saddos, there is also a surprising rich thin vein of "real" people, who notice all of that "different stuff" that affects us both ....but those people just look straight past it because they know that, beneath it, there is another "real" human who is probably a bit special and definitely far more interesting than the "average" human. You only need to find one such person every 5 years or so, and by the time you reach your first grey pube, you'll be able to have a party with all your friends !!
Try to keep your attitude and mindset ready for when someone actually sees "you" inside. You don't want to have become so jaded and miserable that all they will see is sadness and woe?!
So you think people only see or perceive a weirdo.....I didn't ! I thought, "how nice, an honest clear and "real" sounding bloke (I love direct language).
Keep the faith brother - don't say "everyone" say "most" - and don't call it a "death" sentence (that's wrong)...but it is a "life" sentence. Life is good, you just need to be patient to find that life and the right people to share it with.
Stick around. Nice to meet you.
Kind regards
Number.
Just wanted to say I loved this reply, Number. You're a legend.