Does anyone else constantly replay conversations and think about what they wish they said?

Yeah. There was a life-defining event two months ago which has, ironically, made it easier to think of things to talk about. Not just what happened but the way my life was before it happened.

There's been a lot of talk about what I've learnt and what I intend to change about my life, and the things about my life I felt were unfulfilling etc. 

I keep a daily diary in addition to notes I make to go into sessions with, and I have been doing so for a while. 

HMO said:

It has mostly been reflection though. 

You will probably move onto the "taking your power" stage soon after this - that is where it gets interesting, scary and awesome all at the same time.

Where you are at sounds like the "upacking trauma" stage which is important to understand why you are the way you are and process that trauma to let it go. Once this is done you can start work on developing better coping mechanisms including what we have been talking about here.

I would recommend writing a journal if you are not already as some of this stuff flies by and is soon forgotten, but having it on paper helps make sense of it and be easily recalled if needed.

Iain said:

Autists find this sort of change hard to do as out patterns of thinking become quite fixed, but once you learn to do this and reinforce it, it becomes the new normal.

Yes, it is indeed a learned skill. It actually wasn't 3-4 weeks at least not consistently more like it took a year on and off for me to get it %100 haha, but it's been worth it.

It's definitely much easier if it doesn't feel like the thing is 'haunting' me, if that makes sense. If I hurt someone but I know they're not going to publicly shame me or something, then that makes it a bit easier - otherwise I'm always going to worry because then I worry about my safety.

Some things are easier to let go of than others, especially once I objectively look at the situation and realise I don't actually care.

HMO said:

There have been times where it has taken ages to let go of something that is truly, objectively gone. The only thing that has allowed me to do so is if something else comes along to almost act as an initial distraction.

The decision to let something go is just that - a decision; a concious choice.

Autists find this sort of change hard to do as out patterns of thinking become quite fixed, but once you learn to do this and reinforce it, it becomes the new normal.

I think the time for the change of neural pathways for this sort of thing is 3-4 weeks, so it is good to practice lots during that time. Scary stuff, but in  a few months you will look back and say "meh, that was easy".

I speak to a therapist currently yeah. It's person centred so there hasn't been much in terms of "homework" but I am working on allowing myself to let my guard down and unmask even a little bit in her sessions.

I approach every session with notes on things I want to work on/cover which has been good. It has mostly been reflection though. 

If you have access to a therapist then they should be able to help you with this, including role play.

Then you move on to practice - if you want to do this but don't have someone you feel confident in trying with then drop me a line and we can do this - assuming the mods are OK with us talking outside the forum.

A few short sessions to start with will give you a feel for it then you can try to actively use the techniques.

It takes courage to make that first step.

Yeah. There's things I've said that I'm not proud of (unintentionally) and I can apologise but it's difficult accepting that you may never be able to make amends.

There have been times where it has taken ages to let go of something that is truly, objectively gone. The only thing that has allowed me to do so is if something else comes along to almost act as an initial distraction.

Oh another thing I remembered (almost forgot because I haven't had to do it in a long while) is sometimes if the conversation going awry was so big  that it can't be taken back or rectified after the fact I also have to make the executive decision to let it go for my own sanity rather than continually torment myself mentally over things that can't be unsaid anyway.

Yep. If it's a lengthy conversation that I care about, then I find myself being bothered about how I'm going about it but less so if it's a brief interaction with someone I barely know, especially if it was neither good nor bad.

The third point is the dream. I think I let myself get stressed over pretty much any conversation and I begin to overthink it, and then it just builds up into something which I can't control.

Taking notes is a good idea. I always forget to take notes. Bad memory for a lot of stuff like that.

If it seemed like a substantial topic then yes a little bit, enough to assess it's additional context then file it under "do something about it" or "let it go" depending on what it's importance actually came to in the end.

But small stuff I almosty always let go, and especially interactions with strangers and other one-offs I will likely never have to see again or have to interact with.

Yes. Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.

I take notes to important meetings e.g. doctor's appointments. Otherwise, I feel it's just a consequence of having autism and social anxiety. It's not so much not being "in the moment" and more that our autistic brains don't process spoken information, that quickly, so there's a time-lag in any conversation, which inevitably leads to us playing catch-up the whole time and not giving it the kind of considered response we might give when thinking it through before or afterwards.

I get the exact same thing. It used to be not to bad but now it is much worse and I fear it will continue this way. I spend a lot of time planning my conversations but it doesn't do much except cause he anxiety and to overthink. After conversations I replay what just happened and focus on it for hours. It's caused be terrible social anxiety!

HMO said:

I might spend ages thinking about the points I will bring up in a conversation, and still leave the conversation feeling like I've missed things out. I don't really want to approach a casual conversation with a list of notes.

If you know you have lots of points to raise, you may even write them down but don't take them into the conversation with you, knowing you will probably forget most, then you realise you are setting yourself up to fail right?

You can do 1 of 3 things here.

1 - take the notes in, be a bit nerdy in doing so but get the conversation you want.

2 - keep doing what you are doing and keep on failing to have the full conversation that will lead to more overthinking it later on.

3 - go into the conversation, be authentic yourself, probably miss some bits but feel much less stressed and not seem nerdy, creating a better impression for the other party in the conversation. Prevent the overthinking post discussion and realise it was more natural, authentic and less stressful than before.

My vote would be the 3rd point.

I'm in that same position. It'd be great to not have that anxiety and be in a state of panic even when it comes to casual conversations.

I might spend ages thinking about the points I will bring up in a conversation, and still leave the conversation feeling like I've missed things out. I don't really want to approach a casual conversation with a list of notes.

Oh, been there for 25 years. Then learned to stop it, as it's useless. What helped? Meditation (a skill to notice thoughts and stop them), plus improv comedy courses (learning to react in the moment, having no chance to prepare). Though can't say I fixed it completely, still far from ideal.

I do this all the time. It is frustrating if I am waiting to get through on a phone call. Sometimes now I write down key points.

I also analyse whether I said the right thing. I am trying to stop doing this because it becomes draining.