I'm back into the diaspora

No bother.  I get it.

Thanks for your kind words.

I hold no grudges with anyone life is too short for that nonsense.  I've spent a lifetime trying to run away from myself. I know it can't be done and isn't productive. In the winter of my lifetime I may still have a subconscious inclination not to allow anyone to get too close.  It's unintentional.  Long term feelings be they based on imaginings or experiences are problematic to control.  Counseling may work for some. My wife has had counseling  it did not work and I don't think it will work for me either. We both are very strong minded people who have preference to just get on with it,---but it is tiring.

l ways had difficulty with openness.  I restrain myself because I go OTT when I am open. It becomes an uncontrolled flood.  I have "dumped" on a few unfortunate individuals in the distant past, and it isn't good for me or them---so I restrain myself which causes other difficulties.

( I think I know who you are / what your prev account was ) For what it's worth I never thought or felt to hold our disagreements against you personally (if you are who I think you are) so if it was some beef with me way back when don't feel like you need to hang onto that emotionally because you really don't. I hope you'll stay and continue to be a member here, AFAIC this forum is for the autistic community and you are part of it. Sorry you're at a low point, hopefully things will improve for you. Have you thought of seeking a couples counselor or something similar by the way? I hear that can be really good for when personal relationships hit frequent snags.

Yeah, you cant write about pain when you're restrained by fear. Maybe if you work on your fear in a way that you accept it yet learn to still get through while protecting yourself, you can engage in the world more and be happier.

I seriously wrote a long theoretical post in which I stated that the term, "I love you," has lost all meaning: https://community.autism.org.uk/f/miscellaneous-and-chat/31637/a-clash-of-cultures-why-nts-and-autistic-people-sometimes-have-difficulty-socializing

NAS86592 said:

When you learn what is it that drives you away from it all  please let me know as I'm sure that reason may apply to myself. Perhaps it is fear.

I have no comprehensive conclusion, but here is the best I have right now.  Fear is absolutely in it.  I have been bullied and abused enough to the point that I fear people.  I want to connect.  I want to drop my guard.  I want to trust.  And most of all, I want to love.  I can love so hard.  However, the pain of being emotionally abused for years by someone I thought loved me is truly excruciating to the point of seriously considering suicide.  Therefore, there is a lot of fear involved because I never want to be there again.  I am terrified of that place.  It is dark, colorless, pleasureless, and painful.

Another related matter is lack of trust in myself to navigate the social arena without protecting myself from the abuse.  So it's not that I'm only scared of others, but that I'm scared of myself not recognizing and protecting myself from it.  To me, this is the larger problem because I cannot change how others are, but I can learn where and how to engage with others.  This is something I'm actively working on.

The last thing is that I don't understand the limits of my body.  I tend to ignore my internal signs across the board: hunger, pain, exhaustion, frustration, etc.  I once went three days without eating because I forgot.  This puts me at risk for burning myself out, shutting down, and disappearing.  This causes others to feel neglected or that I am mad at them, when really I don't have the energy to even listen to 10 seconds of whatever they have to say.  I'm protecting them from myself because I will be even more rude if I do attempt to interact.  In the case where I cannot escape from someone that violates boundaries and is disrespectfully intrusive, I can verbally blow up by pointing out their behaviors with impeccable precision and no restraint.  Why should I if they aren't giving me the same respect?  However, this does not work with NTs because they find it extremely insulting despite the validity and that they are the ones committing the injustice while I'm defending myself.  Now, I'm the a**hole and they have all the material they need to gaslight me into convincing me I'm the offender, so I slowly lose myself and have a metaphysical death.  I made a painting about this process 2-3 months ago: https://imgur.com/SJ2DgCv

Number said:

Tell us how we know you - what is the ID you wanted?

You knew me as Asperger Mike, and before that as NAS83898 --- hello again!

All My Friends Are Autistic said:

In my case, I guess what I'm learning by sharing this is that I need to learn what is it the drives me away from it all, and figure out a way to better manage that pattern.  From what I can tell right now, it's something in the area of a sense of inadequacy, lack of purpose, confusion, fear of upsetting others, and fear of others themselves.

Your case is my case.  For me love is a meaningless word.  I've created my interpretation of it as a mask. I'm not a calculating, manipulative, or deceitful type.  I do firmly believe in live and let live. My introspective persona is often misunderstood as being snobbish.  I really struggle in my socialising attempts which invariably fail.  My latest, and final attempt was recently made with volunteering my time --- a comodity I have an abundance of --- to a local steam museum.  I was declined. I felt sure my engineering background would fill their needs, but they were looking for a "people person" who could deal with the public---that's not me, as I stated earlier "your case is my case"  When you learn what is it that drives you away from it all  please let me know as I'm sure that reason may apply to myself. Perhaps it is fear.

All My Friends Are Autistic said:

Maybe if you were more open with your current difficulties on here, you could feel connected to others, receive helpful feedback, and gain insight to take the student path.

I've always had an issue with sharing or displaying my emotions. My wife says I have a tin heart---not true, I just don't wear it on my sleeve.  I've always been independant in nature, and self reliant.  She has her own issues as an agoraphobic---what a pair we make!

Hello Mike.

Just keep at it.  No one said life was easy nor that all our ills and difficulties will be magically cured by being here......but you do, surely have to admit,  it is better here than in most places?!

Like I say - Chin up - there are people here who care about you.  Golden!

All My Friends Are Autistic said:

From what I can tell right now, it's something in the area of a sense of inadequacy, lack of purpose, confusion, fear of upsetting others, and fear of others themselves.

Your description is noteworthy as it seems to be fitting.  With my long history of rejections and negativity, its been an uphill struggle --- I am truly tired and spent.  I can't find peace with engagement.  It seems apparent I should have been a hermit wrapped up in my own turmoil instead, I led this purposeless charade of a life. This is a bitter pill for me to swallow.  I am incapable of displaying authentic loving,caring, emotions.  It's just another mask and a reality I have lived with for a lifetime.  I have been a lifelong "student" who has learned to develope this mask, while leaving a wake of negativity and bad feeling behind me.  If you was around in 1965 when Michael Crawford  played brilliantly in "The knack and How To Get It" ----wellll, I too never got it!  I think that is where the phrase was coined "some mothers do have them" or am I confusing that title with another brilliant Michael Crawford series.

Number, you know me as Asperger Mike, and previous to that NAS83898---hello again!

Thanks guys.