Published on 12, July, 2020
I fool myself into believing I am a functional person---but I am not. All tasks involving my engagement with people seems to end in failure. Despite being married, that too has been an ongoing oppositional battle. We tolerate each other. I just had my 78th birthday and I am tired of leading this negative existance. Hassle just seems to find me. I'm not even sure my input now will be registered owing to a past NAS ID mixup I tried to sort out, but it too failed. So now I'm operating under a different ID which will be strange to any friends or followers I previously had engaged with.
I am really at a low point. Spilling out my guts to an anonymous crowd seems pointless to me. I don't really know why I started this thread. I initially thought I had found a home here, but that also went sour. I'm not looking for sympathy. I am clutching at straws trying to find my purpose while also trying to keep peace with my tortured soul.
Thanks guys.
All My Friends Are Autistic said:
Yeah, you cant write about pain when you're restrained by fear. Maybe if you work on your fear in a way that you accept it yet learn to still get through while protecting yourself, you can engage in the world more and be happier.
l ways had difficulty with openness. I restrain myself because I go OTT when I am open. It becomes an uncontrolled flood. I have "dumped" on a few unfortunate individuals in the distant past, and it isn't good for me or them---so I restrain myself which causes other difficulties.