Published on 12, July, 2020
I fool myself into believing I am a functional person---but I am not. All tasks involving my engagement with people seems to end in failure. Despite being married, that too has been an ongoing oppositional battle. We tolerate each other. I just had my 78th birthday and I am tired of leading this negative existance. Hassle just seems to find me. I'm not even sure my input now will be registered owing to a past NAS ID mixup I tried to sort out, but it too failed. So now I'm operating under a different ID which will be strange to any friends or followers I previously had engaged with.
I am really at a low point. Spilling out my guts to an anonymous crowd seems pointless to me. I don't really know why I started this thread. I initially thought I had found a home here, but that also went sour. I'm not looking for sympathy. I am clutching at straws trying to find my purpose while also trying to keep peace with my tortured soul.
( I think I know who you are / what your prev account was ) For what it's worth I never thought or felt to hold our disagreements against you personally (if you are who I think you are) so if it was some beef with me way back when don't feel like you need to hang onto that emotionally because you really don't. I hope you'll stay and continue to be a member here, AFAIC this forum is for the autistic community and you are part of it. Sorry you're at a low point, hopefully things will improve for you. Have you thought of seeking a couples counselor or something similar by the way? I hear that can be really good for when personal relationships hit frequent snags.
I hold no grudges with anyone life is too short for that nonsense. I've spent a lifetime trying to run away from myself. I know it can't be done and isn't productive. In the winter of my lifetime I may still have a subconscious inclination not to allow anyone to get too close. It's unintentional. Long term feelings be they based on imaginings or experiences are problematic to control. Counseling may work for some. My wife has had counseling it did not work and I don't think it will work for me either. We both are very strong minded people who have preference to just get on with it,---but it is tiring.